“That’s Jez.” Even though it was true, I used a jokey tone, but Nolan didn’t laugh.
No, he surprised me.
He got up, and I thought he was going to leave—again—but instead, he walked around the desk and hugged me. A tight, all-encompassing hug that squeezed my breath into a warm ache.
“I always wondered what you were doing in that fucking basement,” he mumbled into my hair.
“The torture bros weren’t around then, but I did bust a few child porn guys. I hate child porn.” Unless I was the one recording it for blackmail purposes. “So I used to package up the information, send it to the FBI, and wait for the paedophiles to get arrested.”
“Damn, Alexa.”
“Look, I know you’re not a fan of the FBI, but if you literally hand them the evidence on a plate, they don’t screw it up too often.”
“The FBI is a bunch of snakes. They tore my family apart and turned my life upside down overnight. Then Mom died, and I was so damn angry about that.” Nolan’s grip loosened, and he rested his chin on my head. “But Dad deserved to go to prison. And Mom… When I was nine or ten, I walked in on her in the laundry room, scrubbing a stain off his jeans, and back then I didn’t realise what it was. But now I look back and I think that maybe it was blood. Shit. I’ve never told anyone that before.”
“You think she did know about the murders?”
“Honestly? I think she might have suspected there was a problem, but it was easier to bury her head in the sand and carry on with life as usual. Mom never liked to rock the boat. My parents didn’t even argue, not until after Dad got arrested, and even then, she just wanted the whole court case to go away. So no, I don’t much care for the FBI, but what I like even less is that you’ve made yourself a target.”
“I have a hundred different identities, and I use VPNs, proxy servers, encryption, an overlay network… Nobody knows who I am, not even the Feds.”
“I’m not going to pretend I understood half of what you just said, but the FBI has spies everywhere.”
“So do I. And I also told them that if they try looking for me, they can kiss goodbye to future tip-offs. Plus I have all kinds of dirt, and if they try digging where they shouldn’t, some senior agents are gonna have a lot of explaining to do to their wives, to Congress, to the general public…”
Nolan groaned. “You’re blackmailing the FBI?”
“‘Blackmail’ is such a strong term. We have more of a quid pro quo arrangement.”
With the breaks I’d handed them, the occasional favour was the least they could do.
“I don’t trust them.”
“Me neither. I hardly trust anybody, but I trust you.”
“Really?” Nolan sounded skeptical, and okay, that was fair.
“There’s only a handful of people who know about all the different sides of me, and now you’re one of them.”
“Who are the others?”
I’d backed myself right into that corner. It was a test, even if Nolan didn’t realise it. If I answered truthfully, I’d be exposing even more of my secrets, but if I dodged the question, he’d know I was bullshitting again. A half-truth could come back to bite me in the ass later. He loosened his grip and watched me. Studied me.
“You’re trying to decide whether to lie,” he said softly.
“I hate that you know me this well.”
“Do you?” He kissed my forehead. “Or does it scare you?”
Shit.
“The second one,” I mumbled. Nolan wasn’t tough like Jez or street smart like Jay or vigilant like Chase. “Knowing my secrets would make you a target too.”
“Then you’d better be damn careful.”
I met his gaze. “You’re okay with all…this?”
“‘Okay’ is the wrong word. I understand you don’t play by the rules, that you’re driven to do what you do, and that you’ll never change. And I still love you.”
