Fuck. That's not me talking.
These classes are my choice. Mine. Separate from everything else. If I'm sitting here questioning the one thing I picked for myself, I'm more messed up than I thought.
I need to talk to someone.
I only talk to three people: Sage, Moira, and Phoenix. Sage is blissfully unreachable. Phoenix and I stick to tech stuff; they don't even know my real name, and I don't know who Phoenix really is. I'm keeping it that way.
Which leaves Moira.
It's barely past seven in the morning, and she's pregnant. I should let her sleep; however, I pull up our text thread and begin typing, asking if she's able to talk.
Before I'm done writing the message, my phone rings, and Moira's name lights up the screen. I answer immediately.
"You're psychic now?" I ask her. "Is that a pregnancy superpower?" I balance the phone between my ear and shoulder, still nursing my coffee.
"Just bored and uncomfortable." Moira's voice sounds tired but warm. "Lorenzo left early this morning for some meeting, and I've been sitting here with a headache, getting kicked from the inside."
"Want me to distract you with my drama?"
"God, yes. Please." There's a rustling sound as she adjusts her position. "Tell me everything. Did he finally make a move?"
"He did. We did. It was..." I pause, searching for words that won't sound ridiculous. "I slept with him."
A beat of silence stretches between us.
"You slept with Anton Baev?" Moira's voice rises with each word. "Like, actually slept with him? All the way?"
"Yes, all the way. What are we, twelve?"
"How was it? No, wait, that's weird to ask your sister. But also, I need to know."
"It was..." I remember Anton's hands on my skin, his weight above me, the way he felt inside me. "It was worth waiting for."
"I'm proud of you, Fee." Moira's voice softens. "For making your own choice about who gets your virginity. Not letting it become a bargaining chip for some alliance or letting Dad choose who you give it to."
I sink deeper into the barstool. "Well, I had a great advisor."
"Damn right you did," she laughs.
"Remember how scared we were about how Lorenzo would react?" I take another sip of coffee. "For whatever fucked-up reason, Dad thought you were a virgin and brought that to the negotiating table."
"When I told Lorenzo I wasn't a virgin, I thought he'd call it off." Moira sighs. "I was hoping he would. But it just made him more infatuated with me. Little did he know I'd lost my virginity way before Lorenzo was part of any conversations," Moira says with a hint of pride in her voice.
"I remember." I trace the rim of my coffee mug with my finger. "I remember all the preparations you had to make. All the lies you had to tell just to get a few hours alone with your secret boyfriend. Sneaking around like criminals just to be together."
"God, the elaborate schemes." Moira laughs softly. "It was exhausting."
"But he was sweet to you."
"He was. We stayed together as long as we could after that. It was a miracle we even got away with it as long as we did before Dad found out I had a boyfriend." Her voice turns wistful. "High school doesn't give you much control over your own life when you're a Quinn."
"I wanted my first time to be something more than rushed and secretive. Someone who wouldn't just run the second it was over. I wanted..." I pause, trying to find the right words. "I wanted it to mean something."
"And did it? With Anton?"
"I think so. At least it did to me." I stare at the pendant on the counter. "But I don't know what happens now, Moira. I really don't."
"What do you mean?"
