I just am.
Little by little, his terror gets farther and farther away. Until it’s completely gone. I am calm. An unreachable temple of stone.
I don’t feel it.
I’m in full control of my senses and emotions.
Kazh sounds satisfied when she says, “Very good.”
“Let him be,” I say, and I don’t recognize my voice. “Stop that.”
Jax is breathing heavily. After a moment, he says, “You’re a very scary lady.”
A few giggles come from where the girls sit. Kazh ignores everyone but me. I’m still an impenetrable fortress.
Finally, she says, “You see, it’s not that hard when you know what buttons to press. Remember what you just did right here. There won’t always be someone you care about to protect, so youmust be able to generate those emotions and that drive out of nowhere from within you. Do you understand?”
I dip my chin. “I understand.”
“Very well. Let’s go again.”
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
PHOENIX
“There’s no way to access that part of your mind unless Lorca allows you,” Kazh says with a sigh. “No Decarios can trick the spirits of the gods. If you think you can, we don’t have squat to talk about, you dipshit.”
I press my lips into a thin line and choose not to answer.
Gods damn it. I’m running out of time. The threat of the last trial happening any day now looms over my head. And I’m yet to uncover the stupid fucking lesson Lorca wants me to learn.
I’ve spent every single waking moment of the last week training. My shields are back in place, impenetrable. My physical strength is at its peak. But that won’t compensate for lack of sight.
“But,” Kazh says and I perk up. “There’s a way to help you learn whatever Lorca wants you to learn about yourself.”
“How?”
“Going into your subconscious mind.”
Immediately, my heart drops. My throat’s dry, and when I try to swallow it’s like a ball is stuck in my throat.
I can’t do that. I don’t want to. We only attempted it once and it was…And that time during the Culling—oh no. A shiver runs through me. I slide my palms up and down my thighs, shaking my head.
“You can’t run away from things you fear,” Kazh says. “They’ll chase after you until the end of the earth. There’s no escaping them. Only way to conquer what you fear is to face it and overcome it.”
I scoff. “Easy for you to say! I almost died during the Culling.” I shake my head. “I don’t know what I did, how I managed to pull myself out of…out of…whatever that place was. What if the next time I won’t be so lucky?”
“That’s why we’re training, you dumb child. So that you’ll learn how to access your subconscious mind without having to rely on luck. As an Ezkai General you must master this skill.”
I sigh.Fuck.
I either learn it now, or I’ll have to learn it later. No escaping this.
“Okay,” I say, resigned. “How do I do this?”
“Finally, those lonely two brain cells of yours are rubbing together,” Kazh mutters and bangs her cane once on the stone. That sound is enough to make my nerves flare up. “Just like the last time. What are you, a goldfish? You keep yourself grounded in your physical body at all times. It has to hurt to be real.” She pauses. I wait for her to continue with instructions. When I don’t do anything, she snaps, “What are you waiting for? Engage your muscles.”
“Oh. Okay.”
