Thankfully, Nick doesn’t put up much of a fight when I dress him, and we’re out of the house and in the car within ten minutes. Unfortunately, my mom’s less-than-quiet slip-up leads to a whole host of questions as I drive.
“Mommy?”
“Yes, baby?”
“Grandma… did she see my dad?”
My heart sinks. “No, baby. She didn’t.”
“Then why was she talking about him?”
I have no idea how to approach this. As much as I was mistaken about Elijah, Nick remains the most important person in this situation. “Well, baby. Because your birthday is coming up and I know you were asking about school and the races with the other kids and their daddies.”
“But I don’t have one,” Nick murmurs, picking at the gloves covering his fingers. “Samson says I can have his dad.”
“Aw, that’s so sweet.”
“But my teacher says everyone has a dad.”
“That is true. Like Grandpa.”
“But I have you and Grandma. Where’s mine?”
I grip the steering wheel tightly, splitting my attention with the road and the rearview mirror to watch him. “Your dad is… you remember how I said he had to go away on a very important mission? And that it was really long and really secret?”
He nods. “Is it over?”
“Well… do you want it to be over?”
Nick falls silent, then his mouth squints and he shrugs. “I dunno.”
“You don’t know?”
“What if… what if it’s over and he comes back and he doesn’t like me?”
“Oh,baby. That’s not possible, I swear! You’re the sweetest little thing.”
“But then why did he go?” Nick asks. “Why did he leave me?”
My palms ache with how tightly I grip the steering wheel and my heart starts to pound. There’s no way I can think of to soothe a question like that, so as we pull up to the school, I lock eyes with him in the mirror.
“Nick… there’s one super important thing I need you to understand.”
“Okay!” He smiles back at me.
“This… mission your dad went on. He didn’t have a choice.”
Nick frowns. “But Mommy, you say we always have a choice.”
“I do. I do say that.”Well done, me. “But sometimes, there’s things where we don’t have a choice. Grown-up things like going to work and making money. Those things are harder.”
“Oh… I understand!”
He sounds cheery, but I’m not convinced he does. “So do you think… do you think you’d want to meet Daddy if he ever came home?”
Nick’s head tilts and he shrugs again. “I dunno. Can I go now?” His eyes light up when he spots one of his friends on the sidewalk, so I nod and smile.
“Sure, baby. Just let me park.”
