The next morning, I was going to leave and see my Disaster again. Just thinking about it made my legs shake and my heart…
My heart cried his name.
9
He punished himself not just because he had suffered,
but because he thought that suffering was his fault.
Selene
The next morning came all too quickly.
Matt was as good as his word: He picked me up from the airport, and we drove to his house.
Returning to that place brought back the same familiar feelings: anxiety, awe, and curiosity.
When I went inside, rolling my suitcase along behind me, I breathed in the vanilla smell that spoke to how well-kept the house was. The crystal chandeliers glittered, light bouncing off the silvery marble of the walls and floors and turning it almost golden.
“Miss Selene, it’s so nice to see you again. How are you doing? I heard about your accident.” Anna, the housekeeper, gave me a hug and immediately grabbed my suitcase to carry it upstairs.
“I’m doing well, Miss Anna, thank you.” I smiled at her, and she pressed a tender kiss to my cheek. Her eyes lingered on my forehead. Even though I’d gotten bangs to cover the scar, it was still there—a constant reminder of what had happened. Anna was discreet, though, so she didn’t ask me about it.
“Anna, please take Selene to her room and let the kids know she’s here.”My father rested a hand on my shoulder, urging me to follow the older woman up the stairs.
I climbed the enormous marble staircase with bated breath. I hadn’t heard anything more from Neil after our brief exchange of text messages, so my opportunity to convince him to look at the situation in a new way had come to nothing. Once again, I found myself thinking how awfully pigheaded and generally exasperating the man was. It wouldn’t be easy to get him to understand that I wanted more than just his body. Plus, I had to be careful never to let on that I knew about Kimberly. If he found out, I’d not only lose all the trust Logan had placed in me, but I also risked alienating Neil entirely.
I needed to wait until Neil was ready to tell me about his past himself. Maybe he’d never be ready, but a part of me still hoped he would one day decide to confide in me and open himself up without any reticence. It would be a huge turning point for him, and it would give me the opportunity to chip away at the ice around his soul and maybe even transfer some human warmth to him. The kind of warmth that had little to do with sex. The kind that, perhaps, no one else had ever offered him. Or maybe Neil had always refused to receive it out of a desire to punish himself.
He punished himself not just because he had suffered, but because he thought that the suffering was his fault.
“Thank you, Anna.” I smiled at her as she left me alone in front of the door to my room, where I could wash up and change my clothes after my trip. I watched her go, and then my eyes instinctively slid to the room next door: Neil’s room. His door was open.
With just a few steps, I was standing in front of it with a trembling hand on the doorknob. His bed was made. The sheets were clean and so strongly scented that I could smell them even at a distance.
Everything was in perfect order—impersonal, cold, like a room no one used anymore.
I frowned.
Had he stayed out all night?
He preferred to send his lovers home and never spent the night with them. In fact, in the period right before I left, he’d stopped bringing them into his room at all.
“Look! She’s here!” someone yelled, interrupting my train of thought.
I didn’t even have time to turn around before a superexcited Alyssa threw herself at me, making me sway on my feet.
“She’s been asking me constantly when you’d get here. I might actually be a little jealous.” Logan appeared behind his girlfriend, ruffling his curly hair with an ironic smile.
Alyssa, meanwhile, had wrapped herself around me so tightly that I was having trouble breathing.
“Oh my God! You look amazing!” She grabbed me by the shoulders to get a better look at me. “What did you do to your hair? And that bod! It’s different, but you look so good. Wow!” She hugged me again, and I grinned at Logan, who was rolling his eyes.
“Give it a rest, Alyssa,” he groused, grabbing her by the arm as he approached to scrutinize me more closely. “Though I completely agree with my girlfriend, you’re a knockout.” He gave me an affectionate hug and kissed my cheek.
Logan had always been very brotherly toward me, and I’d never felt uncomfortable or embarrassed with him. After the talk we’d had at the beach house, I felt like the understanding between us had only grown deeper. I was honored that he’d trusted me with something so important.
I wasn’t going to let him down.
