“Hi, Judith,” my mother said softly, in a miserable sort of voice. Matt broke the embrace, and the woman wiped away her tears with the back of her hand before giving us an unhappy smile.
“How is Selene?” Matt asked. I wanted to talk to her as well but instead I was frozen in the middle of the room, unable to utter so much as a syllable. I wanted to know how Selene was, what had happened to her, but at the same time, I was terrified.
I wasn’t prepared to hear bad news. What if the accident had caused some kind of irreparable damage? I never would forgive myself.
“Selene is just in there. The doctor is taking a look at her right now,” Judith informed us, her voice exhausted and pained.
“What exactly happened?” I asked, drawing her attention to me. Her eyes scrutinized me warily, and I was well aware that I probably wasn’t making a great first impression on her, but at that moment, it was far more important that I learn what condition her daughter was in.
“The car went off the road and through the guardrail, and Selene hit her head…badly…”
My heart rose up into my throat before falling back into my chest as though it were on its own personal roller coaster ride.
“She lapsed into a coma. They said there was no active bleeding, but there’s a…hematoma?” Judith looked to Matt for confirmation she used the correct word, and he nodded. “They’ll need to do more tests, but we don’t know when she’ll wake up. The doctor said she could have visitors, but only very briefly,” she continued.
“Can I see her?” I asked Selene’s mother, sounding like a desperate man. Her eyes lingered on my face for a long moment. “Please, I need to see her. Just for a few minutes,” I continued to beg, though I hadn’t even introducedmyself. Pleasantries and proper etiquette weren’t part of my makeup even under the best of circumstances.
Who could say what Judith—whose last name I couldn’t even remember in that moment, though I knew Selene had told me just before she left—was thinking about me? It occurred to me then just how insane this situation was: I had never in my life begged anyone for anything, and here I was practically supplicating myself in front of some woman I barely knew.
“Fine. But just a few minutes,” she answered in a frosty tone.
I didn’t waste any more time, pushing the door open and walking inside. The room was spartan, and it would have been entirely dark if it weren’t for a small light next to the austere bed. A place I never wanted to see my Tinkerbell.
IV lines were connected to her arms, her head was swaddled in bandages, and her beautiful face was puffy with deep cuts across her cheekbones and her slim nose.
I still couldn’t believe this had happened to her.
I took a chair and positioned it next to the bed. I sat down and gently touched her pale hand with my fingertips. It was cold. I looked into her inert face and sucked in a deep breath.
“Hey, Tinkerbell,” I whispered, swallowing down the lump in my throat that almost kept me from speaking. What a despicable excuse for a man I was. She was in that bed because of me, and I couldn’t even look at her because, when I did, the guilt stabbed into my chest like countless shards of glass.
“I don’t even know where to start. But, then, you probably already know I’m not good at talking.” I licked my lips and kept slowly rubbing her hand. I was reliving all the pain I’d felt just a few weeks earlier with my brother.
“You always want me to talk, Selene,” I began. Her presence was just as intimidating as if her eyes had been open, watching me, waiting to delve inside. “So now I will,” I continued, smiling sadly. “I would have kept you with me, even though you were so different from everything that I am, because, from the first moment I saw you, you have been my Neverland. Even though we both know that’s a place that doesn’t exist…” I brushed her hand again delicately, as though it were made of fragile crystal.
“I… I’m not capable of love. That’s why I can’t give you what you deserve. You were always braver than me, you know? You’ve always been willing to understand me, to look inside me, but I haven’t been able to do the same with you. And I’m sorry for that.” I glanced down at her, rubbing her limp hand with my fingertips. “We were over before we even began, despite the many times you tried to upend my world and make it better…” I gave her a small smile and then chewed on my lip, venting my frustration.
“We fought most recently because of me, but you accepted every part of me, even the worst…” My fingers climbed her arm slowly, caressing the velvet-soft skin. “You tried to appease my demons while I did nothing but make it harder for you. You tried to reassemble the pieces of me, but I wouldn’t let you.” I lowered my gaze, disappointed in myself and my failure.
“I knew when I met you that I would have to let you go because I’m a head case who scares off all the good hearts, like yours.” I sighed and examined the delicate lines of her face.
“It’s my fault, all of it. I have too many wounds still open inside for me to be able to love,” I confessed, my chest clenching with each word. “I’m still not free. I was hurt too much by the people who were supposed to protect me, and I haven’t gotten through that pain yet.” I clenched my jaw and squeezed my eyes shut, sucking in the air that suddenly seemed to be in short supply.
“Life has treated me so unfairly, Tinkerbell. I found something special, something that I will never be able to keep because I don’t deserve you…” I squeezed her slim hand in mine, which seemed so much larger—as vast as the pain I was feeling in that moment.
“But if things had been different—if I had been different—I would have searched everywhere for you, and once I found you, I wouldn’t have let you go for anything in the world. Instead, I’m stuck here between the past and the present, and I’ll never live a normal life with this monster on my back.” I rested my elbows on the bed to get even closer to her. “The truth is, I used you, and I don’t regret it. Do you see now how twisted I am? I am so far from the image of me that you’ve created.” I shook my head, angry at my own inability to know her and treat her the way she should have been treated.
“But I want to thank you for giving me a new experience…” I kissed herhand and a series of shivers ran along my spine, making me tremble. “You followed me into the darkness, Selene. You were the only one who could reach my damned soul.” I smiled at her and licked my lips, tasting her skin I had just kissed. “But I can’t follow you into the light. I won’t be able to get out of this shadow…” I just kept staring at her.
I found her so beautiful.
There was no sparkle in her face just then, but to me she was always a gleaming pearl.
“I’m the reason you’re here right now. This is part of my past, something I have to face and destroy…” I stopped and took a deep breath, feeling more than ever the enormous weight I had been shouldering for my entire life.
“Do you remember that time when I asked you how the princess and the dark knight’s story ended?” A feeling of melancholy wrapped around me like an invisible veil. “You surely deserve to have a princess ending, Tink. But I…” I paused again, building up my courage to admit the truth to myself. “I need to fight off my own monsters before I can come back to life,” I said softly. “And I don’t know if I’ll win. I don’t know if I’ll be able to escape the revenge of people who, in all probability, want me dead. I don’t know if I can overcome the pain that I still carry with me, but I can promise you this…” I pressed my lips against the back of her hand again and kept them there for a few moments before continuing.
“Even if I can’t be with you the way I want and the way you want, I will protect you, even if it costs me my life. I’m not going to let anyone or anything hurt you ever again. I’ll be the one to pay for all my mistakes and my vile past—no one else. I’m going to make sure that you’re happy, even if it’s not with me. Because I know that I can be happy too if I know you’re safe.” I got up out of the chair and stared again into her face. “I’ll protect you, like the shell protects the pearl.” I leaned closer to her and touched her cheek, drinking in the vision of her pale skin. I stared at her full lips, closed and chapped. I longed to taste them again and again and again but I couldn’t, even though feeling her against my mouth was all that I needed.
