I’d taken her furiously, full of anger and lust. I wanted her to see that she couldn’t keep searching for some good in me, that she couldn’t keep pushing up against my limits. I myself was very aware of how abnormal my behavior was and how hard I was to manage. For a moment, I had gotten lost in her body as I sought the oblivion of pure pleasure, but I’d immediately come back to reality, where my life was nothing but shit. “You’re not mine, and I’m not yours,” I told her, still smoking. “Because we belong to the world, not to each other. We’re souls, not things. And there will be someone else for you someday.” It was draining to sit there and admit that I wasn’t good enough for Selene, to confess that I couldn’t give her the things she needed. I understood that she liked me, and I knew that she desired me, but the question always remained: Would she “love” me if I didn’t look the way I did?
Kimberly had loved me too but only because I was “a beautiful boy.” She told me so plenty of times.
Recalling that caused a wave of misery to move through me, so I got out of the bed and padded barefoot over to Selene’s desk. I tossed my cigarette butt in the trash and then poked through the kitten-patterned pen holder, searching for ablackmarker.
When I found it, I popped off the cap and walked over to the mirror, where I could just see my reflection in the dim light. I stared at my body, covered only in my boxers. Long legs, slim hips, defined abdominals, swollenpecs, and broad shoulders. I examined the two tattoos, the swollen veins that branched out into meandering tributaries, dark underneath my skin. I looked like a grown man now, but inside, I was still ten-year-old Neil with all the marks of Kim’s abuse visible on me.
All at once, my face shifted. The beard vanished. The eyes softened, the hair grew longer and messier, and the features became more delicate, more youthful. I now wore an Oklahoma City basketball jersey and a pair of blue shorts—the ones I always wore to play basketball out in the backyard. Suddenly, I wasn’t in Selene’s house anymore but back in my childhood home in New York. My conscience was guilty, my soul was stained, my innocence was decimated, and my babysitter’s voice was constantly in my head.
With my eyes locked on my reflection and the memories spinning around in my head, I gripped the marker and began moving its soft tip around on me, like my skin was a canvas to be spoiled, a wall to be graffitied, a paper to be scrawled upon, or a shitty story waiting to be written. I pressed the marker into my skin wrathfully, drawing all kinds of shapes all over myself. Slowly, the rising sun began to illuminate me. Another day when I’d managed to wake up before destiny, but it wouldn’t change anything.
After an endless minute, I let the marker fall to the floor and, with the back of my hand, smeared the black ink over every patch of skin I could reach on my chest, throat, and arms. I spit out the cap I’d been clenching in my teeth and stared into my reflection in the mirror again, longing now to smash it.
“Neil.” I heard Selene’s voice, but I remained motionless.
“Do you see that, Babygirl? There’s something broken and twisted inside my head,” I said, gazing into the glass.
“What are you doing?” I heard the bedsprings protest and the sound of faint footsteps approaching me slowly.
Was my Tigress afraid?
“It’s their fault, too, you know. The people who get raped.” I looked out through the glass, talking to her the way she was always begging me to do.
“Wh-what are you talking about?” she stammered. Obviously Selene didn’t understand me—she couldn’t.
“The Boy liked Kim’s attention. He was willing to be touched. He shouldhave told her no, but instead, he let it go on for a year.” I smiled sardonically, shaking my head. “I’m filthy because ofme,” I concluded, turning to face her. I immediately locked on to her ocean eyes as they roamed over my body in horror before returning to my blank, lost eyes.
“No, Neil. It’s never a child’s fault. Never.” She paused. “What did you do to yourself?” she asked, quickly wiping a tear away from her cheek. Did she just not want to cry in front of me or had she understood what I was talking about?
“Are you okay?” she asked again, in shock. But she inched closer to me, and I glanced down at her naked legs. My too-big sweatshirt concealed all those head-turning curves. Her hair was a mess, her lips swollen and chapped, and her cornflower-blue eyes, barely open, outshone the sun. She reached out to touch me, but I stepped back from her. I didn’t want it then.
“Is this marker?” She grimaced, looking at my chest.
“I’ve got a stain on me,” I confessed, hoping she’d be able to intuit what had happened to me when I was a kid. I wasn’t brave enough to tell her frankly about it, but I wanted her to know the truth.
“Then I want one too.” She chewed thoughtfully on the inside of her cheek and looked around until she spotted the marker on the floor.
“Watch…” She pulled the zipper of my hoodie down slowly, exposing her round, firm breasts. My eyes fixed on her rosy nipples, especially on the bruise around her areola, as she let the sweatshirt slide to the floor. She stood in front of me in nothing but her panties, and I longed to fuck her again, but I tried not to let myself be distracted.
Selene brought the marker up to her neck and started drawing nothing in particular on the skin there. She did the same on her chest, her stomach, and her arms. Then she rubbed her hands over it, making big smears of ink. Finally, she looked back up at me, delighted and self-assured.
“Now we’re both stained. See?” She smiled and let the marker fall to the floor. She drew closer to me until her high, soft breasts pressed against my chest. Her scent made me close my eyes momentarily as I was, for just an instant, transported somewhere far away. To my Neverland. My blood began to pound in my veins. I opened my eyes and stared into hers before moving to her lush lips, her breasts, her slim legs…
“You’re cute…”I had told her once.
You are a work of art…I had thought.
I gathered her abruptly in my arms, without any consideration or warning. My hands came to rest on her ass, and I lifted it up with a squeeze, making her wrap her legs around my hips. Babygirl clung to my shoulders as I kissed her with all the desire that burned within me. I kissed her like a starving beast, a rabid animal, and I knew that she liked me that way as well.
“Good morning” was all I said as I carried her into the bathroom. I kicked the door open, and she grinned in my arms. She was so light, small, and sweet-smelling. I didn’t even make it to the shower, instead pressing her against the cold tile beside the sink and devouring her, swallowing her moans and giving her mine in return.
“Good morning to you too,” she said breathlessly, her face all red, but I didn’t stop. I fondled one of her breasts roughly and pinched the nipple in my fingers. I could feel arousal pounding through every part of me, and my cock throbbed beneath my boxers. I had to rub myself against her thighs for some momentary relief.
“Neil, wait…” Selene said in a small voice, and I immediately turned into an ice sculpture.
“What?” I stared into her eyes, steady but eager, and I refused to put her back down.
“It’s just that, well, after last night. I’m still a little…sore. Down there,” she said awkwardly, and I realized how ridiculous I was being.
