“You have to…?” I prompted him, sitting up slightly. When I sat forward, I winced a bit at the uncomfortable feeling between my legs but tried not to think about it.
“Go for a smoke,” he answered flatly. Then he grabbed the pack of Winstons and stalked over to the big window that looked out over the garden. He cracked it open and leaned against the sill, lighting up a cigarette.
I considered his behavior, but once again, I didn’t know what was wrong with him. I felt let down, hollowed, and used. And not because of what we had done together but because of his arrogant disregard and the way he completely closed himself off in his own world whenever we weren’t in bed. I wasn’t like Jennifer or his other lovers. Though I’d just worked hard to break him out of the impermeable prison he was trapped inside, I hadn’t gotten a single kind touch in response. Not so much as a hug or word of comfort.
Outraged, I got out of bed. My head was still spinning, and I stood unsteadily on watery legs. I made my way to the bathroom after fishing clean panties out from my underwear drawer and examined my reflection in the mirror. My auburn hair was a rat’s nest. My eyes shone a vivid blue. My cheeks were stained pink. My lips were puffy from his kisses. I rubbed my neck and brushed an index finger over the marks that Neil always left behind. Always so greedy. Always so hungry. I studied myself more carefully and frowned when I noticed a bit of bruising around my nipple. I looked down, tucking my chin, and touched it with my finger, which only made it throb, and a grimace of pain twisted my face.
Up until a few months ago, I believed sex was the complete union of body and soul.
I had always dreamed of giving myself to someone who would lavish care upon me.
I wanted to feel safe.
Embraced.
Loved.
But nothing had gone the way I’d dreamed.
And now there I was, standing in my bathroom looking at a girl I couldn’t recognize.
A woman in love who did not regret her choices.
Despite it all.
“You’re such an idiot,” I told myself. It was no one’s fault but mine. I shook my head bitterly, pulled on my clean panties, and splashed water on my face, trying to get myself back in order. But I sucked in a breath when I heard the window close.
I tried to remain unruffled and stall for time again, but as I heard his footsteps come closer and closer and closer, I couldn’t think of anything. I couldn’t do anything. I just glanced surreptitiously at his powerful figure leaning against the doorframe, proud and remote as ever. I pretended to stare into the mirror while my thoughts veered uncontrollably toward him.
“If you need to get back to New York, go ahead.” I turned to him, breaking the uncomfortable tension between the two of us. I forced myself not to look at him as I walked out of the bathroom, but Neil’s warm hand on my hip stopped me in front of him. I stared at an unremarkable spot on his chest while my heart sped up to a ridiculous speed and I gulped.
His hand slid to my back, and he pulled me to him. My breasts pressed against his torso, and a cold chill of excitement ran through me. I had no idea what he intended to do. He brushed my hair back over my shoulder and inspected my neck, then my breasts and hips.
The smell of sex, recently smoked cigarettes, and musk washed over me, and my breath caught in my throat.
“I’m not leaving,” he told me after a long silence, his low, deep voice making me vibrate like a plucked guitar string. I stared at him; he was as serious, as inflexible, as always.
“Why… Why are you acting like this?” I shivered slightly. I was, after all, naked and freezing cold. “You succeeded,” I muttered scornfully. “If your goal was to make me feel used, you’ve succeeded and—” Neil pressed his lips over mine on impulse, silencing me. He snaked one arm around my waist and pressed a hand to the nape of my neck, sliding the other one into my hair. It was a chaste kiss, eyes open. The kind of kiss meant to halt my words with a silent rebuke. After a moment, he pulled away and took my hand.
“You’re freezing, and yes, I used you, though not in the way that youthink,” he said, pulling me along with him out of the bathroom. Never letting go of my hand, he scooped up his white hoodie and offered it to me.
“Oh no? So not like you use Jennifer and the rest of them?” I shot back at him, profoundly disappointed as he arranged the sweatshirt over my shoulders.
“Put it on. It’ll warm you up fast,” he ordered, and I slipped my arms into the oversized sleeves. Neil helped me zip it up, then looked me up and down, his face dazed.
“I asked you a question,” I said acidly, and his golden eyes moved from my bare legs to my face.
I smelled musk all around me as I snuggled into his hoodie.
“I didn’t come with Jennifer and the rest of them,” he answered seriously, rubbing a hand over his face. “Can we go to sleep now, or do you need to keep busting my balls?” he asked shortly.
“Busting your balls?” I echoed indignantly.
“Yeah, that’s right. All you do is bitch.” He was starting to go off the rails; I could tell from the stormy look on his face, his tight muscles, and the way his voice changed. And all of it scared me. “You are so wrapped up in your own fucking technicolor world, Selene. You’re always thinking about what I’m doing with other people, and you still can’t see that you are not like any of them. Okay, so I’m not perfect. I don’t snuggle. I don’t cuddle. I don’t whisper sweet nothings into your ear, but so the fuck what? Is there some postcoital rulebook you have to follow? Maybe you need candy and roses or something like that? You’re so convinced I use you like I use them because you’re incapable of understanding nuance. Several times now you’ve brought up other women because you’re insecure, and maybe that’s my fault too because I can’t give you the attention you want, but that doesn’t give you the right to constantly question me or make me feel crushed about this fucking situation that I can’t handle any better than you!” He advanced on me, fuming, and I staggered backward.
“But…” I started to reply, but I trailed off when Neil approached, menacing me into silence.
“You really don’t see it, do you? I came to Detroit again for you, to make sure that you were okay, because I knew perfectly well that I was wrong toleave the way I did last time. Because of you, I’m skipping out on my entire life,” he ranted furiously, making me tremble with fear. “But you have to understand I am fucked up. I always have been, and you need to stop believing in this nonexistent ‘us’ you’ve created. What do you see when you look at me right now? A man or a monster? Tell me!” he snapped, inches from my face, as I stayed plastered against the wall in fear. Neil took me by the hair and yanked me forward, forcing me to look into his eyes. “Tell me. What do you see right now?”
