“You’ll be an independent woman, elegant and attractive. Your husband will be crazy about you. Your daughter is going to have your blue eyes, and her brother will have your strength and tenacity. You’ll go on family trips together every weekend. You’ll host garden parties and barbecues with music and dancing for all your friends. You’ll be an exemplary mother, a dream wife—the perfect woman. Your husband will be a lucky man. One day, Selene, you are going to find out that you’re pregnant, and you will be so happy, but when that day comes, I will not be the man at your side,” he concluded seriously, looking completely unaffected by that little speech.
I turned fully so I could stare into his luminous eyes. He kept his arms stretched out to hold the cart, and my slim frame was enclosed by his more powerful one. Just then, though, it wasn’t his body that was crushing me but his words.
“And what about you? Where will you be?” I tried to match his cold detachment but failed miserably when my lips began to tremble and my eyes started to sting.
“Somewhere out there in the world. I’ve always dreamed of traveling. Of getting away from everything and everyone. I mean, a person like me obviously can’t aim for a family, a wife, and kids, right? What would I be able to give them? My constant chaos? My famously terrible temperament?” He shook his head sardonically, and there was no hint of doubt or second-guessing in his face. “But you, Selene—you were born to live that fairy-tale future.” He smiled at me, lifting a hand to gently caress my cheek. Except I flinched away from him.
“Stop it,” I whispered, looking away.
“Why? I’ll send you postcards. You can tell me all about how your kids are doing or keep me up-to-date on your husband,” he continued earnestly, despite the fact that it all sounded to me like the most absurd thing I’d ever heard.
“Stop,” I said again, my hands clenching into fists.
“Maybe you’re right. Your husband could be jealous of me. I’ll send the postcards to your mother, then, and she can give them to you,” he said reflectively. It occurred to me that Neil actually believed everything he was saying, and I stared at him in shock.
“Enough!” I shoved him abruptly away from my chest, forgetting entirely that we were in a public place, and I saw his expression turn surprised. “Why are you saying these things to me? Do you take pleasure in hurting me? Is this some kink of yours I’m not aware of?” I raised my voice, ignoring the stares of our fellow shoppers who continued to maneuver their carts around us.
“Hurt you?” he repeated, like I was the one talking crazy. “I just told you how I imagine your future. What’s so wrong about that? I want the best for you…” he said calmly, but I didn’t respond at all. I straightened my shoulders and tried to project strength the way I always had to when it came to Neil and the twisted inner workings of his mind.
“Selene…” He drew closer to me and tilted up my chin. “You have to accept reality as it is,” he said with a wistful smile before brushing past me, leaving a void that was filled only with the smell of him.
I knew that because of what happened with Kim, he believed he didn’t deserve a happy future.
He believed that he was tainted. Wrong.
But he was not the problem.
The problem was a past that he couldn’t overcome.
Neil was incredible and deserved all the love in the world.
He deserved a joyful future.
And I would have done anything if only it would pull him out of his darkness.
18
He trapped me with his body and stared down at me with those lovely, glowing, sensual eyes while I tried to catch my breath.
Selene
Neil was still in Detroit with me.
When we got back from the grocery store, he helped me carry in the bags, and then we had lunch together at my house. I had no idea how long he would stay, and I was afraid to ask him, but I was happy I got to spend time with him. It felt like we were actually getting to know each other for the first time.
He seemed to get more comfortable with talking as the hours passed, though he would still frequently close in on himself. When he got particularly broody, he would light up a cigarette and scowl, staring off into nothingness.
In those moments, I would just watch him admiringly as he inhaled long drags of smoke. He was beautiful even while doing the most mundane things.
“Why are you staring at me?” He blew smoke out his nose and gave me a serious look. His eyes looked even brighter in the light from the fire I’d lit in the living room’s fireplace to keep us warm.
“You’re smoking in Judith Martin’s house. She’s going to kill me when she gets back,” I said unhappily. I hated that he smoked. I wanted to get him to quit, but I knew he was too stubborn to listen to me about it.
“Relax, it’ll be okay.” He took another drag and got more comfortable on the couch while I crouched down by the TV, trying to choose what to watch on Netflix. “Find an action movie, not some ball-shriveling romance,” he clarified while I inched across the carpet to sit down on the floor next to the couch.
“What are you doing down there?” He frowned, and I cleared my throat awkwardly.
“Because I’m not going to be able to watch a movie with you right next to me, Neil,” I told him, and he laughed lightly.
