When I was with her, I could see a light far in the distance.
That light gave me a sliver of hope.
Just a little hope that I might catch up to her… One day.
Now I was surrounded by total darkness.
I couldn’t see anything before me.
Just a deep tunnel.
Interminable.
Obscured.
There was nothing for me.
I was drowning.
I was losing.
My soul was dying slowly, and I was doing nothing to save myself.
“You can’t cling to your pride when it comes to your mother, Neil. Do you understand that? You’re too rigid; you don’t give anyone a second chance. I have been begging you for years to just let me love you, and you always deny me. You are not okay, and if you think I’m just going to standby and watch while you destroy yourself, you are wrong!” She’d started to cry, but my only reaction was a mocking smile, bitter as poison.
“You don’t need permission to love your son. That was your first mistake.” I looked gravely at her and saw that she was musing on my words. I didn’t waste any time; I took advantage of her distraction and left.
I left her alone in her silent suffering and left the house entirely.
Taking classes again and actually studying was the best thing I’d done in the last year. It was the only way I had of getting my mind off things.
It wasn’t easy, though. My problems had wrapped around me like threads. Kim, my history, my father’s violence, Scarlett, my relationship with my mother, my pride, my inability to trust, my behavioral issues, and, finally, Selene. Each thread had dug painfully into my flesh, all except the last one, which I had just severed two weeks before.
If I had been selfish, I would have kept Babygirl with me instead of letting her go. But I didn’t want that grim future for her. I wanted the best for her. Kicking her to the curb like that had been my insane way of protecting her and making her happy.
I had realized a long time ago that I was always going to have to live with my wounds. That I would always feel the pain of them on the inside. I knew that there was no cure for me. No medicine, no escape, no light, and no salvation.
I could only ever bring darkness and evil into Selene’s life.
Sure, Babygirl might have enjoyed my body and the things I gave her in bed. She liked the kisses and touches but even she wasn’t capable of loving someone like me. I was convinced whatever feelings she thought she had were an illusion.
People like me couldn’t be loved.
Soon even Selene would have to realize that love was just a bunch of big talk without any real significance. It was a set of rote actions and pat, empty phrases.
People “loved” without really loving.
Selene had this illusion of love that would never really exist.
Lost in thought, I took the Maserati and drove to campus.
After three hours of classes, though, I felt the need to get away from everything and be by myself.
So I walked out of the lecture hall, bored as hell and desperately needing a smoke. Walking down the hall, I pretended that everything was fine; I acted like I was my usual self, giving zero fucks. I avoided the wicked glances from girls who would have given it up to me in the bathroom if I’d asked. All I had to do was jerk my chin, and they’d be waiting in a stall, but I had no desire to do any of that.
I would have definitively shot down anyone who tried coming on to me.
As I headed for the exit, I took my phone out of my pocket, my thumb automatically scrolling through my contacts until I landed on one name: Tinkerbell.
