What was I thinking? That Selene was going to wave a magic wand and solve all my problems?
More importantly, why was I even having this problem?
I had to laugh at myself and at my hopes that had been dashed into nothingness.
I turned to look at her. Babygirl was watching from the couch, where she sat in just her panties. Her hair gleamed like copper, her skin was white, her breasts were shiny with my saliva, and her cheeks glowed pink. There were reddened spots on her chest from the crude touch of my hands. Had I hurt her? I hoped not.
Either way, even all disheveled, she was more beautiful than ever.
I stood there and stared at her, dumbfounded. My throat was dry, my body hot, and my thoughts had twisted up into a knot that was impossible to untie.
“Risk it, Neil. For once, just take the risk,” she murmured then, apropos of nothing, and I sucked in a breath. “Don’t be afraid. Stop keeping yourself under such tight control. Do what makes you happy without hesitations or regrets. Do you want me? Then take me. Be selfish. Do what you feel. It doesn’t matter what other people think is right or wrong. This is the only life we get, so live it the way you want.” Selene swallowed hard and cupped her chin in her hands. I wanted to go over to her and soothe her.
Hold her and then fuck her.
I wanted it with my whole self, with everything I was deep inside.
“Enough,” I spit instead, stubborn as ever. “You don’t know me; you don’t know a thing about me!”
She flinched at the force of my words. After all, I was the one who had made sure she couldn’t know me. I was the one who refused to show anything but the worst of myself to her, the bestial one. All because my heart was too frozen and full of suffering.
“You’re wrong, though.” She stood up, smiling at me. Naked, confident, and breathtakingly beautiful. I breathed in deep so I didn’t make the mistake of reaching out to her.
“You always mess up your hair when you’re nervous,” she began, forcing me to bend my neck down to look at her. “You chew the inside of your cheek when you’re uncomfortable. You look down when you’re feeling guilty or actually sorry about something. You get this different light in your eyes when you talk about Logan or Chloe. You hide your true self behind this cynical, cocky persona and hide your intelligence behind weird or incomprehensible behavior. You hate nosy or pushy people. You are reserved and don’t like to speak your thoughts aloud very often. So you often keep quiet and let your eyes do the talking. You have a good side—but you won’t admit it to anyone—and a dark side that you warn everyone about. You love pistachios. I just found that one out recently, and…and honestly, you smoke way too much, and you should quit.” She said it all without stopping, all in one breath. When I continued staring at her, not saying anything, Selene blinked uncomfortably and took a few cautious steps back.
Was she afraid of how I’d react? That I’d get angry? Probably.
My mood swings had become increasingly frequent and inexplicable.
I turned my back on her and her tiny body. In that moment, Selene looked to me like a giant ready to stride right through my soul. I felt naked without a shield strong enough to protect me from her. My walls were weakening, but I still tried to hold everything together, to gather up every piece of me so I wouldn’t get steamrolled.
“Go.” I managed to get to the kitchen island and press my hands to it, propping up the weight I suddenly felt on my shoulders. Selene’s taste wason my tongue, and her smell was on my skin. I was more and more hers and less and less the Boy.
“I’m going back to Detroit tomorrow and—” My sardonic laugh cut off her words.
Was she really that naive?
I tasted her coconut smell in the air.
She was right behind me, too close to me. Why couldn’t she just stay away from me?
“For fuck’s sake, Selene.” I whirled around furiously, and she jerked backward. “I meant go now. Right now. Leave!” I pointed to the door of the pool house. She was naked, shaking, and ashamed that I was treating her like some random skank. I’d taken what I wanted from her, got to live out one of my male fantasies, and now, like the son of a bitch that I was, I wanted her gone.
“Whatever you want,” she conceded, though I hadn’t expected her to do that so quickly. She walked over to her bra, abandoned on the floor, and bent down to grab it. I watched the curve of her spine as it melted into her firm, perfectly proportioned ass. Inexplicably, I felt annoyed by her sudden surrender. I hated it when she chased me, but I hated it even more when she ran from me. Still, I was the one who drove her away; all she did was listen to me…
I sighed heavily. I was unstable. I couldn’t just act like a normal person.
I walked furiously over to catch her by the wrist and yanked her around to face me just as she was about to put her dress back on.
“‘Whatever you want,’” I repeated her words with a sneer. “What the fuck kind of answer is that?” I allowed myself to get angry at her so I didn’t have to admit to myself that I’d made the wrong call. Selene’s lips opened, red and swollen, and I wanted to lick them. I wanted to lick her all over and taste her again until I felt like throwing up the way I did when other women asked me for certain favors. The kind of nausea that had never come up with her.
“You really are nuts,” she answered, trying to wriggle out of my grasp. She wanted to leave now; I could see it in her eyes. Selene was an open book for me. I saw all her feelings, felt her desires, and knew her thoughts. Everything about her.
“Yeah, I’m nuts. Troubled. Fucked up. You should find someone more like you. Someone who wants you the right way and can give you the happily ever after you deserve.” Because in my head, it was just Kimberly and the kind of love that tied us together. And that kept me from really living.
Selene stared at me in shock; her wrist was still clenched in my furious grip. Her long bangs were messy, as was the rest of her wild hair.
She looked rebellious and savage in that moment. I stared at the scar from her accident, which was already less noticeable than the last time I’d seen her, and I loosened my grip on her.
