“I’ve talked about it.”
“I know.” Stryker sighed again “Raven had the same problem. She’s scared it’ll come back. Just…it’s something you have to do alone. All I can do is keep you away from it.”
“I know.” I said quietly.
Stryker squeezed my arm “come with me.”
I followed without questioning, eyebrows arching once we reached the stables.
“Stryker, I don’t know if-“
“Shut up. And here.” He took a joint out of his pocket and rolled it, lighting it and handing it to me “your hands are shaking.”
He opened the stable door and walked up to Shadow, the horse that his dad had left for him. I followed, hanging back.
“Tack up River, Theo.”
“Okay.” I said quietly. I was equally as quiet as I followed Stryker, not even asking where we were going. I blinked when we reached the beach.
“Come on.” Stryker grinned “we’re gonna let off some steam.”
He didn’t give any warning before vaulting Shadow and launching him into a canter. I watched him for a moment, shocked, then shook myself and copied his example.
“Hey! Speed up!” Stryker shouted. I rolled my eyes, the wind screwing with my hair as I flew across the sand. Stryker veered towards the water, splashing into it, and I knew River had just gotten soaked. She didn’t seem to care, racing after Shadow until she caught up to him. Stryker shot me a grin. Some of the weight on my shoulders had eased,so I grinned back.
“You know” Stryker shouted “I’d watch River with this one.” He patted his horse’s neck
“Why?”
“Shadow’s as bad as me with the ladies.”
I laughed loudly “shit.”
We slowed after a while. Stryker glanced over at me, expression serious “I’m thinking…of quitting.” He mumbled, sending a jolt through me “the army, y’know? I think…I need some time. After everything.”
I understood that. It made sense.
“You should too.” He whispered “you’re not doing well. You’re having nightmares every night. Your performance is shit. There’s no point.”
I swallowed hard. I knew he was right. I’d considered it.
“Maybe.” I whispered “maybe.”
We didn’t speak another word of it.
EPILOGUE
Snow crunched beneath my feet as I crossed the icy graveyard, navigating my way between the grey headstones to find the one I was looking for. I wasn't so much looking as I was retracing my steps, because I came here so often I could find it with my eyes closed.
Sometimes I had nothing to say and simply sat there and stared and maybe cried. Other times I couldn’t seem to stop talking, imagining he were sitting in front of me listening with his warm hazel eyes and open expression.
I halted in front of it, a familiar shiver running through my body as his name, etched into the stone, stared back at me. I sat, uncaring that my butt would get soaked- it was already getting soaked.
“Hey, Matt.” I whispered, beginning to draw a dog’s face in the snow with my finger “I wanted to say…I finally talked to Dean. About me. And you. And everything. I just needed to tell someone who didn’t already know, you know?”
He had known, of course. To an extent. Not a large extent, though. It had been nice, as far as nice goes when talking about your dead boyfriend; I’d talked about Matt and he’d talked about George and I’d realised that I’d never seen his face light up like that before and wondered if mine did the same.
“He, um…we all miss you. I miss you the most, obviously.” That was an understatement. Every day without him felt like I was dying a little more inside. “I quit, by the way. The army. I’m leaving next week. I couldn’t…do it without you, and it’s stupid because in three years I’ll have to be back anyway but right now I think I would have died if I’d stayed.” I paused, swallowing hard and trying to fend off the familiar sting of tears. I stared athis name for a little longer, in silence. Pain hit me square in the chest.
