“I must’ve believed life would turn out okay when I swore off sex.Somehow I was confident everything would come right in the end.What about you?Did you think you and Spencer were meant to be?”
“Relationships are weird things.Why would anyone want to hitch their life to someone else’s?Why should we move around in pairs, often at odds with each other?”
“You don’t want a relationship?”
“No, I do,” she said as he came to sit with her.“I’m just saying, as a concept, it’s weird we’ve evolved this way.”
“We protect each other.”
“Us?”
“In general, as humans.It’s not about hitching our lives to each other for kicks.Yeah, we tow each other around, but it’s about love and harmony.”
“And protection?”she asked.“Like the caveman who protected his mate while she was vulnerable in pregnancy?”
“It’s different times, but the concept is the same.Look where we are right now.”
“I use your resources to bolster my own safety?”
“And I use yours to secure our future.”
“Because I have a uterus?”
“You’re smart.You keep the business moving.Yeah, if we have kids, they’ll come out of you.If we don’t, we still have the business to build, we have friends to care for.We have a life together.One I believe will be incredible.When I think of the future, you’re in it, we’re together.”
She hadn’t so much been thinking about them as a couple when she asked her question.
“I feel like you…” Inhaling, she wrapped her fingers around his and shifted a little closer.“You stopped dating, or sleeping with women, because you were ready to get your life together, to create order in chaos.You’re good at that.”
“You don’t want order?”
“I feel like I’m creating chaos in your calm life.”
“This is a temporary situation.And it might sound dumb, but I want, I am happy, that I have the resources to help you.You don’t deserve the scrutiny.”
“Don’t I?”she asked.“I was young and inexperienced, so, no, I didn’t fully appreciate how life would turn out when I left with Spencer.I loved him, I have no doubt in that, but we, us, you and me, this feels different.”
“It’s not love?”
Her head dropped to the side.“It’s love.Definitely, completely, forever love.”When he bowed closer, she retreated just a little.“I don’t feel grateful.I mean, I am grateful for all you are doing to help me, but it’s not why I love you.What does that mean?Did I ever truly love Spencer?”
“Only you can answer that.All it means is we’re different men, different people, with different personalities and experiences.You can love us both without one meaning less than the other.”
But that was it.Exactly what it felt like.Her love with Spencer was reactionary, necessary, they were meant to be, for that moment.In the long term…?If he hadn’t left her in the way he did, maybe they wouldn’t have lasted.She wouldn’t have been happy in their nomadic life indefinitely.With so many pieces ever-moving, that adventure lost its sheen.
With Cam, there was choice.No pressure.No necessity.Just emotion.Truth.Honesty.Stability.Not right that minute, no, living in someone else’s house because theirs was under siege.And in that the men matched, Cam said this would be temporary.
“Spence used to tell me our situation was temporary.”
“You didn’t believe him?You don’t believe me?”
“With Spence, I knew there was no plan.No matter how much he reassured me.I didn’t push or argue because what would that have achieved?I knew, and I think he knew I knew, after years of the same thing, how could he not?He said the words anyway.”
“I’m not just saying the words.”
“I know,” she said, fateful hope brightening her lips.“I looked at him and agreed when I knew it wasn’t true.I look at you and I see our future.I see us together.There’s no wondering what it will look like or what might happen to us.I want a life with you; I’m happy with you.Happier than I ever was with…”
He caught her chin on a curled finger as shame attempted to lower it.“You can love that chaos and love our calm.You can have both.”
