“I’m going to ask him to become my boyfriend.”
“Tonight?” Liv asks, stroking my cat’s grey fur.
I nod, wrapping my tie around my collar. “Yeah, I think it’s the right time. He likes me too, but he’s just holding back out of fear. I don’t know what he’s been struggling with lately but it’s big enough for him to keep a wall between us.”
She gets off the couch and grabs her beer from the table. “And you think it’s linked to his scar?”
“He got it after I left, and told me it was from self-harm, but he can’t remember why. I never thought he had such issues back then, so maybe it started after I left. But I doubt it.” I frown as I yank the tie away and groan. “Now that I think about it, there were obvious signs of his mental health being a mess. He hid it away to shield me.”
She grabs the garment from me and helps me tie it correctly. “I’m kinda surprised.”
Peering down at her messy blonde bun, I raise a brow. “About?”
“Well, I always thought he was so mature and strong, you know?” She plops down on the couch, sipping her beer. “He seemed like nothing could get to him. He was always smiling and caring for you like it was easy. It’s crazy to think he was struggling with self-harm and managed to hide it so well.”
“People have the tendency to hide their weaknesses.”
“Like you and your nightmares?”
“I’m fine,” I grit out.
Liv came by to play with Ao and help me get ready for the fundraiser. The point was to spend some quality time with my best friend, not to have a therapy session about my sexual trauma.
“Finemy ass,” she scoffs. “If you were really fine, you would be able to get a full night’s sleep without jolting awake from a nightmare.”
I turn to face her and scowl. “I just need Aoi next to me. That’s all I need to be alright.”
“You barely let anyone touch you. I can literally count the people whose touch you ‘allow’ on one hand. Your trauma is serious, but you’ve never spoken much about it.”
And I’ve survived until now.
Why do I have to open up about something that happened when I was twelve? I’m fine. Yeah, my body rejects physical contact but isn’t that obvious? My body belongs to me and Aoi.
“What do you want me to say?” I snap, storming off to the fridge and grabbing a beer for myself. I pop the cap off and take a long sip. “That I’m terrified whenever I close my eyes that I will feel that pig touching me while I’m helpless? That all I can think about is that monster tearing me apart, and that the only person who evermanaged to make me feelnormalandwholewas ripped from my arms? Is that what you want to hear?”
Fuck, I know I’m being too harsh on her, but I hate even thinking about Brad. He doesn’t deserve me to spare him a minute of my time thinking about what he did to me. I know Liv is only worried about me and trying to help, but after all this time, I realized the only person who can help me move past my trauma is Aoi.
It’s always been him.
She sighs and lowers her bottle on the table. “I just want you to heal. You can’t ignore your problem and hope it gets better. Aoi is more like a band aid than a remedy.”
I spin around in fury. “He’s not a fucking band aid, Liv. He’s the love of my life. I’m not chasing him so he can save me again. I want him because Ilovehim.”
“I’m not doubting your feelings for him,” she says, smiling softly and motions me over. “Just saying that you’re ignoring the underlying problem by focusing on him so much. You might not want to talk to me about it but maybe try talking tohimthen.”
I let her fix the collar of my shirt, noticing the effort she’s making not to touch my neck. “He doesn’t need me to burden him with that. I’ve seen the way the color drained from his eyes, Liv. Something is terribly wrong with him, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m scared he’ll decide to suddenly run away somewhere I can’t reach him.”
She frowns, hiking a hand on her hip. “Why would he dump you? You said your date went well. You slept in the same bed and had an intimate and sweet moment. Y’all kissed for fuck’s sake. Hedefinitelylikes you.”
“Yeah, but the morning after, he seemed so cold and distant.” I groan and rake my fingers through my hair. “He locked himself in the bathroom and when he came out, he looked like an entirely different person. Maybe I’m overthinking this, but pairing that up with the fact that he slit his vein eight years ago I just don’t know if I should be so carefree about this.”
“So, your solution is to ask him to be your boyfriend and then what?” she asks in disbelief. “Hope he’ll tell you about his problems? God, Visha you’re delusional at best.”
“The fuck does that mean?”
She sighs and reaches for her beer before gulping down the rest of it and shaking her head like a disappointed mother. “If he managed to hide his mental health issues during the three years you lived together, do you seriously think he’ll bring it up himself? You have to raise the issue because I doubthewill.”
I nearly slam face-first into the floor while grabbing the empty bottle from her hand, tripping over my cat who’s always in the way for some reason. She meows innocently and slithers away as I focus back on the nonsense my best friend uttered.
