“It wasn’t assault for fuck’s sake,” I snap. “I’d have tonotconsent for it to be.”
“But you weren’t in a state to consent.”
I scoff, sounding more condescending than I meant to. “You know me wrong if you think drugs would change anything about me getting laid by strangers. I get drunk all the time and end up hooking up with random men. So, now what? Do you still think it’s assault? Are you going to call all the times I hooked up with dudes in bars while wastedassault?”
The three of them remain quiet for a while and gawk at me as if I’ve grown a second head.
I should’ve just shut my mouth and kept all of it to myself. They didn’t need to know about that evening. I don’t want to begin imagining how disappointed and disgusted they must be.
Why do I always fucking ruin everything?
The chair creaks as I get up and grab my coat. “I’m going home.”
“Aoi, wait-”
“I know you all mean well, but I didn’t get assaulted. I could taste the alcohol on his tongue while we kissed. Believe me, he wasn’t in his right mind either. Want to call that mutual assault while you’re at it?” I groan and feel the scar on my arm itch with a need so deep, I can’t stop the bloody images from surging and plaguing my vision. “This is all fucking stupid. Just stop making me a victim when you know damn well, I’m not one.”
I would have ended up fucking a man that night anyway. While on drugs, drunk, or sober. I would have done it either way because I’m a piece of shit with no self-respect and the only time I feel less of a scarred monstrosity is when someone’s hands are on my naked skin.
I’m not a fucking victim.
I’m the perpetrator of my own suffering. I’ve been doing this shit to myself for years. It’s ridiculous to try and paint me as a victim as if I haven’t sought out all these men and haven’t spread my legs for each of them.
Amira gets up from her seat and walks up to me, wrapping her arms around my neck as she whispers against my ear. “No matter what happened–or didn’t happen–it wasn’t your fault. And before you get mad at me, if you really didn’t feel uncomfortable or assaulted, we believe you.”
Then why are you looking at me like I’m a fragile child who lost his way?
I nod and hug her waist, nuzzling the crook of her shoulder as Elena and Sally watch us with soft smiles on their lips that make my stomach lurch.
“We love and respect you no matter what,” Amira assures me but holds back from saying what she truly means.
That I’m a failure and a fucked-up piece of human garbage. That something is wrong in my head for me to seek–no,cravepain and get off on the aching sensation liberating me from my shame.
Nothing changed in eight years. That red ink is still sizzling under my skin, begging me to spread my flesh open and let it flow.
I frown, biting back the nausea as I mumble against her dark skin, “Thank you. I love y’all.”
Sally and Elena join the hug, and the former says, “We love you, too, baby. Now let’s go clubbing! Not only will that make you feel better, but we also need to celebrate your grandiose success as an author!”
Amira chuckles softly but Elena playfully tugs on one of Sally’s dreadlocks. “You just want to get drunk. It’s got nothing to do with Aoi. You’re impossible.”
She laughs and winks at me. “Got me. Let’s go have fun!”
You know what? Dancing and drinking with my favorite people in the universe might just be what I need to distract my ravaged brain.
26
Visha
What better way of pissing me off than seeing Aiden flirting with women while claiming to want my Aoi.
That fucker.
“If you glare harder, you might manage to dig a hole through his skull,” Liv mocks. “Why are you even staring at him? He’s your love rival not your sworn enemy.”
My head snaps toward her when she leans back in the velvet booth, party lights flashing around us. “Just look at him wrapped around these chicks while chasingmyman. How can he say that he likes Aoi when he’s frolicking with women in my brother’s club? It’s pissing me the fuck off.”
She laughs and takes a sip of her Sex On The Beach. “He’s barely paying attention to them. Just look at how bored he looks despite his fake flashy smirk.”
