I don’t know why I slept with Aiden, and I don’t know why I even considered grabbing a drink with Andrew. My mind is a mess and as per usual I take decisions without thinking first.
I’m well aware that my behavior is questionable and disappointing, but maybe he’s right after all. I’m an attention seeking whore with a deep need for validation.
That’s what it does to you to be raised by a man who has lusted over you since you were a child.
“Why do you even care?”
“Why do I care?” he repeats. “Do you hate me so much that you prefer fucking strangers over me? After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me? I love you, Aoi, and yet you treat me like I’m one of your side whores.” He grabs one of my hands, pulling me toward him to rest my palm on his chest. “How can you do that tomeof all people?”
“No, what are you even saying? You know that’s not true, I swear. I wasn’t thinking at that moment, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” I sigh, shutting my eyes. “I’m just so lost right now. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m just doing whatever makes me feel real and grounded.”
His free hand strokes my cheek as he smiles melancholically at me.
Fuck, now I feel guilty.
He always does this. Making me feel guilty. And I fall for it every time like a fool. We will never change. We’re fated to poison each other like mold crawling onto the organism closest to it.
We deserve the worst. We deserve to destroy each other.
And yet I’m the only one who’s losing the game.
Why is he always winning?
“Then come back to me. Come back to me and let me help you. Don’t you remember how happy we were together?”
Happy? I can’t seem to remember what time of our lives he’s referring to. He’s been a part of my life for thirty-three years and yet I can’t recall a time when I was truly happy.
No, that’s not true.
Up until I turned seventeen, my life was perfect. I had everything I needed and wanted. I was loved and cherished so heartfully that I could almost drown in joy. I would give everything to go back to being a child surrounded by my family. If only I could forget his manipulation, which turned me into a dependent fool.
“Everything was so much easier in the past. Why can’t it be that way anymore?” I clutch my chest. “I’m sick of wandering the world in search of a purpose. Fucking around keeps me grounded, J. I don’t know what to do anymore. I let my body choose and then deal with the consequences later.”
Why does he have the ability to make me break when all I force myself to do is keep it in?
I hate being weak and vulnerable. I’m stronger than that.
Why do I have to be in such pain after so many years? Why can’t I just move on like everyone else?
Maybe others are going through the same things as me. Maybe they’re suffering as much if not more. Who am I to feel bad about my circumstances? I don’t deserve to lament about my pain.
I have a perfect job and financial security. I have friends and supportive people all around me. I have access to everything I need, so why do I feel so fucking empty?
“Come back to my side. I’ll make you as happy as you were when you were younger. Before the accident. We can go back but only if you come back tome.”
The mention of the accident triggers something buried deep inside me, something that unleashes every ounce of guilt and self-hatred I tried so hard to contain and hide. I let the tears stream, staining my cheeks like ink. He allows me to sob in his arms and bury my face in his shoulder like a touch-starved child.
Maybe he’s right, and everything could be as perfect as it used to be if I simply stop fighting and let him love me. But if he loves me as much as he claims to, why can’t I feel it?
Am I broken beyond repair?
That thought freezes my limbs in place.
I don’t want to be alone and miserable.
14
Visha
