“Care to elaborate?”
“You don’t understand why I hurt myself because you’ve never taken the time to truly see me. You’re just an obsessive asshole that’s been dragging me down and trying to force me into a cage by your side. The fact that you resorted to kidnapping me proves it.”
“Kidnapping?” he repeats outraged. “I’ve spent sixteen years and more watching you,wantingyou. I got rid of everything that stood in our way these past years and still you let some parasite wreck you like that. I didn’t kidnap you, Aoi. You know that, and the way you’re behaving is pathetic.”
“I know! I know I’m pathetic and I deserve whatever punishment I’ve given myself, so fuck off!” I shove him again, the familiar pressure of tears threatening to burst behind my eyes. “Since you claim you didn’t kidnap me, why can’t I leave then? Let me walk out.”
“Never.”
“Then stop shaming me for something you can’t comprehend. Why can’t you see that everything hurts? My skin itches and burns when I don’t cut. I was doing fine until I found out Visha was lying to me.” I look down at my shaky hands. “The memories…they came back and now I’m ruined again. Worse than before. I don’t want to live anymore, Jason. I never wanted to be here.”
He takes my hands in his. “Let me help you.”
“You can’t help me, Jason. You make it worse.” I slip out of his grasp and stop my legs from giving out beneath me. “When you touch me, it hurts. I see the disappointment in your eyes and feel the rage and disgust in my heart when we’re together.”
“Don’t talk like that about us.” He shakes his head, regaining his momentarily lost composure. “You’re meant to be mine.”
“I’m meant to rot in this shell you want to fuck. There is nothing left of me, J. Nothing.”
He lets go of my hands and cages me between his body and the wall behind me. “You’re wrong. You just need to get your shit together.”
“No. I don’t want to anymore. I’m tired and I want to be left to die. Stop trying to prevent the inevitable.” My head leans against the wall, and I shut my eyes, allowing the thumping in my skull to fade as I inhale slowly. “When I met him eleven years ago, I was on my way to kill myself. Did you know that, too? You seem to know a lot for someone who doesn’t care.”
“I do care.”
“Only about yourself. It’s always Jason and his interests. Fuck the rest of the world that’s suffering.”
“Aoi.”
“No! I wanted to die because I couldn’t take it anymore. The guilt, the pain, the hatred. It was burning my flesh from the inside and itching my body until I had to purge. I couldn’t stop wondering why my family had to die and leave me behind. Why didn’t I die with them? It’s not fair.” I take a good look at his devious face, one I desperately thought was the face of my salvation. “When I met Visha, I found a reason to live and you took him from me, didn’tyou? It doesn’t make any sense otherwise. Why would he have left me when he only had me? Visha hates his brother so why did he leave me?”
He sighs and reaches for my cheek, but I turn my face away. “You think I orchestrated such a scheme? You’re unbelievable.”
“I’munbelievable?” I mutter and almost laugh out loud. “You’ll never admit it, will you? Constantly manipulating me, trying to make me look crazy and guilting me no matter what I do or say. That’s all you know how to do. You’ve always been like this. It must piss you off that I don’t obey your every whim anymore. Sucks that I’m not a defenseless kid anymore, hmm?”
“Shut up, Aoi. You don’t mean a word of that crap.” He grabs my face and forces me to look at him.
His hazel eyes are as unfamiliar as any stranger’s and the frost in them chills my bones.
What a fool I’ve been to trust him. I believed his lies, his soft promises and the traitorous voice in my head telling me to hurt myself. But in the end, if I hadn’t gotten involved with Jason, I’m sure I wouldn’t have despised myself so much.
“How am I supposed to keep living when I have nothing to lift me up anymore?” I ask, voice breaking like leaves in fall. “I have nothing. You stopped being my lighthouse, and now everything is so dark.”
He leans his forehead against mine and I inhale a whisk of his scent, but it holds no importance to me anymore. “I can help you. We’ll find doctors-”
“Roses don’t know when they’re dead. They wither slowly, lose their beauty as their petals dry out and the color drains from them.So beautiful and temporary. They’re bound to rot from the moment you cut their stem to expose them in a vase for your selfish little eyes.”
“You’re not a rose, Aoi.”
“You’re right. You never allowed my petals nor my thorns to grow. I’m just a stem now.”
He leans back to take a look at my expression. I don’t know what he’s seeing but it’s shocking enough for him to step away from me and drop his fake smile.
“Stop kidding yourself, Jason.” I raise my hand to graze his cheek, but the strength leaves me before I manage to. “I don’t want help anymore. You’re too late. You’re among the worst mistakes of my life. Tell me, did you reach out to Bellami, so he’d take Visha away from me?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Stop fucking lying to me. Do you think I’m that clueless? I know what kind of person you are, Jason. I’m the only person in the world whoknowsyou.”
