Is this really it? Did I just lose him again?
Just like that?
Numbness and frost take over my limbs as I sink to my knees, holding my head in my hands and gasping for air. My chest constricts and clogs up, screaming for a way out.
My throat closes up, and I gasp, shutting my eyes to try to calm down but I can’t.
I can’t.
Fuck, please breathe.
I clutch my chest, fingers numb and tingly as my vision blurs. I shiver, sweat building up on my forehead and ears beginning to ring. Coughing and choking, I drag myself against the door and tilt myhead back. I force my mind to focus on a calm image and the only one I can think of is Aoi kissing me while he cradles my cheeks.
Slowly,excruciatinglyslowly my breathing calms and the boulder on my chest dissipates. Regret replaces the dread. I focus on the sensation of my muscles easing and my cheeks flooding with tears.
How do I keep going without him? If he was going to be taken from me, then why was I allowed to fall deeper for him? If I was going to suffer like this, then why let me meet him again?
I should’ve just frozen to death on the night he found me, before I got a taste of his warmth.
My chin trembles as I part my lips to suck in some fresh air.
What now? If he hates me and doesn’t want to ever see me again, what do I do then?
I push my legs to support my weight and stagger into my car, feeling empty and numb. I grab my wallet and slide out the pictures I’ve been keeping close to my heart.
One of my family when I was little.
The other of Aoi and I in the past before my world collapsed.
47
Aoi
If I hadn’t put a reminder on my phone that today is the press conference, I would’ve remained buried under my blanket for the rest of the week.
It must have been two days since I stormed out of Andrew’s penthouse. Maybe I should call him Visha now since that’s his real name. Though it doesn’t matter anymore.
I don’t want to see him again. Not him nor anyone else. I just want to keep rotting in this bed for the rest of my life and hope I’ll die of dehydration or starvation, so I won’t have to put a bullet through my skull.
Amira and Elena insisted I stay in their guest room for as long as I need, but I fucking hate myself for imposing on them like this.
Dragging myself out from under the blanket, I manage to stay seated for a total of ten seconds before my body’s weight triples and I crash back onto the mattress.
Please. You have to get up, Aoi.
Just today, just for a couple hours.
But I can’t. I feel like there’s a cruise ship on my back, digging me deeper into the mattress.
Get up. Come on, get up.
Why won’t you listen, stupid body?
“Fuck,” I sob. “Fuck you. Get up you useless piece of shit.”
A soft knock on the door forces me to wipe my face with the back of my sleeve as Amira walks in, holding a tray of food.
I don’t want to see her right now. Not when I look so pathetic. She’s witnessed my misery firsthand and yet she hasn’t asked a single question. I’m scared that she knew all along, but I can’t take another betrayal, so I won’t ask her.
