Aoi
I hand him a cup of chamomile tea while he’s snuggled up in his bed, wrapped in a fluffy blanket.
He takes a sip of it before putting it down on the nightstand and pulling me into his arms. My head rests on his chest as he cradles me likeI’mthe one who needs comfort.
I still don’t know why he suddenly broke down earlier and I’m scared to ask after he begged me to never leave him.
“If you could remember the years you’ve forgotten but the consequence would be to lose someone you cherish, would you still want to remember?”
I peek up at his face and notice him staring at me with apprehension. “Mhm, if it means losing someone I care about, I guess these memories can stay in the past. I’ve been living well without them anyway.”
He inhales deeply and pushes a strand of hair away from my face. “I love you, Aoi. Remember that.”
How can I forget when I’m still struggling to believe it?
“Can I tell you something silly?” I ask, rolling off him and nuzzling into his side, wrapping an arm around his waist. He nods and smiles. “When I saw your sister-in-law with your brother, I got a bit jealous. No, not jealous.Envious.”
“Why?” He turns to face me.
“They looked so…in love. Like nothing could tear them apart, and I found myself getting upset over it,” I admit, laughing as embarrassment settles in. “It’s so stupid.”
“It’s not stupid.” He tips my chin up and I’m speechless from the kaleidoscope of emotions in his eyes. “It’s okay to sometimes be envious of someone’s happiness, but Aoi what you don’t know is thatyoudon’t need to envy them because you’re equally loved if not more.”
“You mean by you?” I chuckle but he doesn’t even bat a lash.
“By the entire world, my Paradise.” His thumb strokes my jaw delicately and the tension in my body evaporates. “Me, your friends, your readers. You’re more loved than you could ever imagine.”
Then why can’t I feel it?
Deep inside, I know he’s right. I know they love me but sometimes I just can’t seem to really believe it. My brain keeps trying to convince me that the world hates me and that I’m better off dead.
And more often than not, I believe it.
I hate that it’s easier to accept I’m unlovable and worthless rather than to trust what I see. And I can see how my friends shower me in affection and how much Andrew cherishes me.
Iseeit.
But I can’tacceptit.
“Tell me you love me,” I whisper, hiding my face in his chest. “Please.”
“I love you, Aoi. All of you. I love every part that you hate, with every fiber of my heart. There is nothing wrong with you and even if there was, I’d still be utterly and irrecoverably in love with you.”
He’s shown me how he feels since the day we met and yet I haven’t been nearly as good to him. I keep doubting him and myself, even when I know how much my heart calls his name.
“I know you need time and I’ll be here when you’re ready. I’ve waited a long time to be by your side like this. I can wait a bit longer.”
My legs tangle with his as I breathe in his intoxicating scent and let it calm my nerves. “You’re too good for me, Andrew. I want to give you what you deserve and be the man you think I am, but I don’t think I can.”
“Aoi, please just rely on me.” He straightens up against the bed frame and forces me to sit with him. “I know you’re scared and feel like you’ll only get hurt if you allow me into your heart, but I promise to cherish you until I drop dead.”
Straddling his lap, I cup his cheeks and place a soft kiss on his lips.
One that feels like a goodbye.
To him and to myself.
“I’m scared I’ll hurtyou,” I admit. “I’ve ruined myself a long time ago. Being with me will only taint you.”
