“What? No, I didn’t,” I huff. “Whatever, just get ready for bed. I’ll clean up the table.”
He’s about to retort but I hold my hand up. I want to be alone before I flip the table off the ground and start cussing that demon’s ancestors for barging into our lives.
36
Aoi
Visha left for school early this morning, so we didn’t really get the chance to talk. He behaved strangely at dinner yesterday, as though he wanted his brother out of the picture. I tried to be impassive and to pretend I’m fine but it’s hard.
I have so many questions and yet no way to ask them. Why did Visha kiss me? Why didn’t he tell me about Bellami? Why did he try to lie about it? Why was he so against his brother coming over and why didn’t he want him to stay?
I despise the man, but I have to stay courteous. He’s going to be an integral part of Visha’s life and therefore mine.
Though that 'joke' about an extended vacation to France enraged me. Family or not, Visha isn’t leaving the continent with someone he met a few days ago.
I won’t allow it.
I step into the office, ready to get to work but I just can’t concentrate. My thoughts are a mess, and my head starts pounding atrociously until I finally decide to take the day off. I wouldn’t have been able to get anything productive done anyway. I exit the building unhurriedly, pondering whether to head straight home and nap or find a bottle to ease my throbbing head.
Neither seems sufficient so I pick the third option.
The drive to Jason’s office strikes me as a never-ending path through a city I know by heart. Deafeningly hammering in mychest, my heart utters irrefutable truths. It reveals my fears, fortifying my doubts. I can try as endlessly as I wish to ignore the pounding, trapping me in doubt, but it’ll catch up to me and swallow me up eventually.
There’s no way out for me. Terror claws at my skin begging to rip me apart as it did after the accident. A little voice whispers against my better judgment to just hit the accelerator and let go.
Why are my worst feelings surging out of nowhere? Everything’s fine. I’m fine and content sowhy? Something feels wrong. An alarm blares loudly in my gut, begging me for something. But what? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m so flawed that I can’t go through the day without drowning in self-doubt and self-loathing. All there’s left of myself is false pretense, forced smiles and negative thoughts obsessively plaguing my judgment.
I press on the accelerator, needing to get out of here. I glance at the counter and watch the numbers go up. I’m way over the limit, but the rush of adrenaline sends a wave of calm over me. Cars now flash past me like little bugs, barely visible at the speed I’m driving.
This is dangerous. I should slow down, I really should but I can’t. My blood is pumping in my veins, and a smile spreads over my lips. I want to crash this car into a wall and end this numb sensation in my limbs. What’s the point of any of this anyway?
A red light pops out of nowhere, forcing me to hit the brakes, making the car halt violently. Honks blare around me. People shout but I can’t hear them. Everything’s a blur. My vision’s a haze, and the sounds are all muffled by the thundering noise ofmy hammering heartbeat. It takes me a long minute to get back to my senses and realize what I did.
If that red light hadn’t been there how far would I have gone? What was I thinking?
One thing goes wrong, and somehow, I try to kill myself? It can’t be. Not this way. Not the way my parents died. Not the way Maia was sent to the hospital just to die later.
I don’t want todie. No, I- I just don’t want to feel these guttural emotions anymore. I just want to feel okay again. Death is the easy way out, but I don’t need a way out, right?
Fuck, a way out for what? What the hell am I thinking? I’m not making sense. I’m fucked up. Ruined goods. I need help but how? I can’t think straight. How am I supposed to take care of Visha when I’m so unstable? He deserves someone fit to raise him. Someone like…Bellami.
I lean my forehead over the steering wheel and let out a choked sigh. The leather sticks to my skin and for a moment I imagine myself gone. “What am I doing?”
The noise in the street fades and the light turns green. Off I go, but my trajectory changed.
Jason can’t save me. Visha isn’t my miracle pill. I have to get better. Not through someone else but through my own determination. I owe them that. Things have to change. I can’t just stand here and watch myself burn through the reflection of my wasted life.
I glance at the time. “Visha should be home by now. I should head back.”
***
“How was work?” Visha’s tender voice welcomes me in.
I suddenly feel stupid for even worrying. I’m not going to make that mistake again. Kicking off my shoes, I walk up to him, needing to feel his presence. A sudden gasp escapes his lips as I pull him against me, holding him in my arms.
He’s right here. He’s in my arms. Then why do I feel like he’s slipping away?
