As if I’d ever let him go back to such a wretched place.
After sobbing for half an hour straight, exhausting himself, he dozes off in my arms. He’s still wearing the sweatpants and sweater I gave him last night. They’re enormous on him and keep sliding off.
We’ll have to go shopping sometime soon because he can’t keep wearing my clothes. The only problem is money. Man, being a student is hard mostly because I have to budget my expenses.
Now I’ll have to feed an additional mouth and almost double the expenses? I don’t mind the labor. I just have to find the funds.
I could always ask Jason for a favor but knowing him he’ll laugh in my face. I know he doesn’t mean any harm, but he severely lacks empathy, and it can be frustrating. For me and anyone interacting with this block of ice.
I sit down on the couch with Visha in my arms and stay as motionless as possible, so he won’t wake up. He needed that cry, and honestly, I’m grateful for the trust he placed in me tobe so vulnerable. I don’t want to think about what he’s been put through to wail like that.
Visha wiggles on my lap to find a better position and holds on to my shirt with his little hands. It’s clear that he isn’t going to wake up for another hour. I haul him up and hold him against my chest before making my way to the bedroom and laying him down on the bed.
For a twelve-year-old, he’s extremely small and scrawny. I can’t imagine someone purposely starving a kid. Most kids of his age should be at least five feet tall, but Visha must be around four eight.
My childhood was peaceful,really. My parents always doted on my sister and me and never made a distinction between us. They loved and cared for us equally. My mother was a ray of sunshine with a twisted humor, whereas my father was a stoic teddy bear.
We were a perfect family.
I shut the door behind me and sit down on the couch. Covering my face with my hands, I exhale a heavy sigh, feeling the pressure build up. There’s only one person that can help me with this mess. He might make fun of me for it but that doesn’t matter now. So, I reach for my phone in my back pocket and open our chat.
Me
Hey, Jason. Are you busy?
Could you call me whenever you have time? It’s urgent.
Jason
Of course. I should be free later tonight. Want to grab dinner instead?
Me
Sure. That’d be great, thanks.
Jason
See you tonight.
I suppose it’s easier to explain everything in person, but I can’t leave Visha alone and bringing him along is difficult too. My head aches from this incessant pondering. When did things get so complicated?
If I want to bring the kid along, he’ll need presentable attire. I’m not broke to the point that I can’t afford to buy him some garments. Once he’s up, we’ll drive to the mall and buy him some decent clothing. In the meantime, he’ll keep wearing my clothes.
I make a mental note to throw away the rags he wore last night. Today isn’t only Saturday but also Christmas, not that I celebrate the event. I don’t have the will to celebrate a family festivity without a family, but I wonder if I should get Visha and Jason a small gift anyway.
I was seventeen when the majority of my direct family passed away in a car crash. When Visha told me how his parents suffered the same fate, it reminded me of the worst year of my life.
Dark and unwanted memories latch onto my mind. I slouch on the grey couch and stare out at the horizon. This apartment offers a beautiful view of the city through the floor to ceiling windows.
It’s soothing at night to gaze at the small human figures strolling in the street and going along with their lives. They all seem so insignificant from afar. It’s also incredibly lonely to see so many people and realize how utterly alone I am. To notice slowly that life has no meaning.
I’m not living, I’m barely surviving.
Last night, I truly intended to end it. I swear it. Deep down I know I wouldn’t have gone through with it, not because I don’t want to but because I’m a coward. It took me years to accept it because ignoring it was simply easier. One day I realized that I don’t want to killmyself, I want to kill what has tainted my soul irreversibly.
I want to get rid of that fragment of rotten flesh spreading through my bones and plaguing my life. Something in me is broken, in pieces, unable to glue it back together, and I fear that something isme.
When my parents’ car crashed, they died on the spot. My sister got rescued and rushed to the hospital where she was admitted to the ER. Her injuries were severe, and the doctors couldn’t promise me that she’d make it. They managed to stabilize her after hours of surgery just to die three weeks later in her hospital bed from a blood clot in her brain. It was unforeseeable even for the surgeons on site.
