So, I liked every meme. Every last one, and I didn’t even think twice about it. Something in me wanted her to see my name. I wanted her to wonder who the hell Echo Lennox was. I wanted her to guess that maybe Kay’Lo wasn’t sleeping alone at night.
When I closed her page, I turned my camera on. Kay’Lo was knocked out, his arm heavy around my waist, and his face turned toward me. We looked like something. Not a real couple, but something. It was something close enough for a picture to tell a lie that felt real for a second. I hit record and captured his face and mine, the way his lips were slightly parted and the way his tattooed arm held me like he didn’t want to let me go even in his sleep.
Then I put my phone down, settled deeper into his arm, and let myself drift off, pretending he was mine.
‘Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
Another week later…
Life without Kay’Lo wasn’t easy but I kept tellin’ myself it was better than bein’ hurt every damn day.
Another week slid by with us not speakin’ like we normally do and the silence ain’t even feel like silence no more. It felt like somethin’ heavy that wouldn’t move no matter how many times I tried to breathe around it. I missed him, and I hated that I missed him ‘cause I knew he was out doin’ whatever the fuck he wanted. I ain’t have no physical proof, but I felt it. Kay’Lo carried himself different now, but even though we wasn’t together in the same house, he still made sure I never lacked.
He kept the cleanin’ crew comin’ in twice a week. They washed everything, folded everything, scrubbed the floors, wiped the mirrors, and made sure the mansion stayed warm and full even when my spirit wasn’t. If I needed money, groceries, anything at all, he sent it without me havin’ to ask. He still checked on me through small messages, those lil’ “you good” and “you need anything” texts that should’ve comforted me but instead reminded me of how far away he felt.
None of it touched the place inside me that had shut down weeks ago.
That part of me didn’t move for nobody, not even him.
I ain’t know how to pull myself out of it, and maybe that’s what scared me the most. It wasn’t new. I been doin’ this since I was a lil’ girl. Whenever somethin’ got too heavy, or too grown for my mind to understand, I used to sit in that tub in my Grandma Glo house and curl into myself like I was tryna disappear. I wouldn’t talk. I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t fight back. I’d shut down ‘cause that was the only way I knew how to keep myself safe.
And the older I got, the more that lil’ girl inside me showed back up whenever life got too loud, ‘cause she didn’t argue and she didn’t yell or beg nobody to love her; she just folded into herself and waited for the world to quiet down.
So the grown woman me protected her. The adult version of me turned inward to keep her from breakin’ again. Kay’Lo ain’t really know that side of me ‘cause I never let things get this far between us. I always came back, but this time had been different. I reached my limit and my body did what it always did. It shut down for survival.
And for the first time since we ever got together, Kay’Lo was meetin’ the part of me that didn’t know how to function under hurt.
I ain’t know how long it would last, but the weeks kept passin’ and I still couldn’t bring myself to reach for him.
The house was too quiet and too big now, so when my cousin Sha’Nelle texted sayin’ she was comin’ back to Trill-Land, I damn near cried from relief. I picked her up from the airport hours earlier, and now we was in the kitchen like we used to be, pots boilin’, music playin’ and smoke driftin’ out the window while drinks sat half-melted on the counter.
Oxtails simmered slow on the stove, thick gravy bubblin’ around them. We had rice on the side, some cabbage with peppers chopped up in it, and sweet plantains fryin’ golden in the skillet. The whole kitchen smelled like home, and my spirit started loosenin’ just from havin’ my cousin near.
We was rappin’ lyrics loud and off-key, takin’ shots, stirrin’ the pots and laughin’ at dumb videos on our phones. For the first time in weeks, I ain’t feel like I was trapped behind glass.
Sha’Nelle leaned on the counter and squinted at her phone. “Bitch, these Trill-Land niggas fine as hell. I swear I’m gon’ end up pregnant if I stay out here too long.”
I cracked a smile for the first time all day. “Girl, shut up.”
“Nah, for real,” she said, pourin’ another shot. “And don’t even let me start on that cousin of Kay’Lo’s. Renza? Baby, that man is too damn fine to be actin’ like he don’t know what time it is.”
I laughed and almost dropped the spoon. “Renza be in his own world. Don’t take it personal.”
Sha’Nelle lifted her chin like she was hypin’ herself up. “Mmhm, well before I leave Trill-Land this time, he gon’ be screamin’ my damn name, you hear me?”
I burst out laughin’, almost chokin’ on my drink. It felt good. It felt needed and for a second, life ain’t feel so heavy.
We quieted down after a while, lettin’ the music fill the room. Sha’Nelle tapped her nails against her cup before lookin’ over at me.
“Toni… y’all ain’t talked yet?”
I sighed slow. “Only time we talk is when he ask me if I need anything. That’s it.”
She nodded like she already knew that answer. “At least he still checks on you.”
“I appreciate it,” I said, stirrin’ the pot even though it didn’t need stirrin’. “But I just… I don’t trust him right now.”
She ain’t argue or defend him. She just let it sit, which is why I loved her.
