I choked out a short laugh ‘cause I wasn’t expectin’ him to say that shit. “Man, I did that shit already. I don’t wanna talk to no more strangers about my shit. I barely wanna talk to you, nigga.”
Pressure shrugged, still chill. “Yeah, I ain’t wanna talk to nobody either, but I had to. Before me and Pluto got married, she kept runnin’. Every time shit got too real, she dipped, and it had me losin’ my fuckin’ mind. I loved her, but that wasn’t enough. She ain’t know how to deal with her own fears, and I ain’t know how to deal with mine.”
He leaned back and took the blunt from me.
“You gotta work on yaself if you want ya marriage to hold,” he said. “Love can carry you into a home, but it can’t keep you in it if you ain’t tryna fix ya own shit.”
“I hear you,” I said, rubbin’ the back of my neck. “I just ain’t got the energy to talk to nobody. You the only nigga I can sit with right now without feelin’ like I’m gon’ snap.”
Pressure nodded slow. “I get it. You spiralin’, though. I can see that shit on you. You gotta grab hold somewhere.”
I ain’t answer ‘cause he wasn’t wrong.
Every day without Toni was weighin’ on me in a way I couldn’t even put into words. I kept tryna give her room, but the room was turnin’ into a canyon. It was like her silence keptpushin’ me further out into some shit I ain’t even know how to navigate.
We was sittin’ here, sippin’ and smokin’, lettin’ the beat from the speakers vibrate in our chest when my phone lit up on my lap. I ignored it at first, but after a minute I picked it up and saw the notification.
It was a DM from Echo.
My chest tightened a lil’, and I opened it.
You forgot about me already?
I stared at the message and didn’t respond. Instead, I clicked her profile and scrolled through the first ten pictures of the thousands she had. She was beautiful, thick, always done up and confident. She was the type of female most niggas would’ve been braggin’ about.
But in my heart, I knew she wasn’t enough.
And the guilt from even fuckin’ her and scrollin’ her page crept up my spine.
Pressure looked over at me. “Who that?”
I shrugged. “Nobody important.”
He gave me that look like he knew better.
“‘Lo…”
“I know,” I said. “I’m tryna stay away from her. She ain’t what I need right now. She damn sure ain’t gon’ fix nothin’ between me and Toni.”
Pressure nodded again. “Good. Last thing you need is addin’ fuel to a fire you already barely holdin’ together. And nigga, speakin’ from experience, these hoes don’t be on shit.”
I leaned back into the couch cushion, exhalin’ slow. The liquor settled warm in my chest but did nothin’ for the confusion. I ain’t respond to Echo. I locked my phone, put it face-down on the table, and forced myself to ride the vibe for the rest of the night.
After another drink or two, we dipped out.
Pressure hopped in his whip and I walked to mine alone, feelin’ the night close back in on me. The cool air ain’t do shit for my head. I hadn’t been at Pressure’s lately ‘cause everything there reminded me too much of what I was goin’ through, so I drove back to the penthouse, but was in different suite this time.
I just needed somewhere quiet and where I could think.
When I stepped inside the room, the tall windows looked out over the island’s black water and the soft lights of the city. I shed my clothes, showered, and let the water hit my shoulders until they loosened a lil’. Then I dried off and laid in the bed with nothin’ but my phone beside me.
My thoughts went straight to Toni like they always did. I checked her location, the way I been doin’ every day, and relief moved through me when I saw she was at home. She hadn’t unshared it, and to me that meant somethin’.
I stared at the screen for a long moment before typin’.
Goodnight mama...
The message sat there, delivered but unread.
