“You told me to get the fuck out,” I said. “You ain’t called me. You ain’t text me back. You been actin’ like you don’t give a fuck if I breathe or not.”
“That’s not true,” she whispered.
“You act like it,” I said. “You act like I ain’t been beggin’ for my family. You act like you don’t even fuck with me like that.”
She broke eye contact then, and looked toward the window. She wiped her tears again even though more fell right after.
“So what you want from me, Toni?” I asked, my voice droppin’ low ‘cause I was tired. “What you want?”
She stared at me like she was givin’ up right in front of me.
“A divorce.”
I shook my head slow, my voice calm but firm. “That ain’t even an option. Pick somethin’ else.”
She blinked and for the first time her eyes looked like she couldn’t see straight ‘cause of how hurt she was.
“Have you been fuckin’ somebody else?” she asked, her voice barely there.
I didn’t move. I didn’t breathe right. I ain’t lie but I ain’t nod either. And that silence told her everything she needed to know.
More tears fell and she whispered, “And this is exactly why I want a divorce.”
Inside, somethin’ in me cracked wide open. I felt my whole chest heat up ‘cause the thought of losin’ her was crawlin’ up mythroat and I didn’t know what the fuck to do with it. She was sittin’ inches from me but felt miles away.
I reached for her knee without thinkin’. My hand didn’t even touch her yet, but she sucked in a breath like she didn’t know whether to lean into me or pull away from me forever.
And that right there scared the fuck out of me.
I had been with Toni for hours, listenin’ to her cry and just really tryna hold myself together ‘cause every sound she made kept cuttin’ into me.
But even if I fucked up, I wasn’t leavin’ her especially when she looked like this. Not when she sounded like this, and when three weeks without her had damn near hollowed me out.
She kept tellin’ me to go, and I kept actin’ like I couldn’t hear that shit.
I ordered her favorite food even though she wouldn’t touch shit. She wouldn’t even look in my direction, and every time she wiped her face I felt my chest cave in a lil’ more. She wasn’t yellin’, throwin’ shit or cursin’ me out like she had every right to do. She was just quiet, and that silence was worse than any argument we ever had.
I walked over to her dresser and pulled out one of her soft gowns, the one she always wore when she was tired or hurt or just needed comfort. I laid it across the bed, then grabbed her body oil, her bonnet, all her lil’ shit she used at night. She watched me through swollen eyes but wouldn’t say a word. She just looked exhausted and numb, like she had cried her body dry.
I ain’t care if she wanted me gone. I wasn’t movin’.
I went to the bathroom and started runnin’ her bath and put in the shit she liked that made the water smell sweet. When it filled, I came back to her and reached out my hand. Toni didn’t grab it, but she ain’t pull away either. She got up on her own and walked to the tub while I followed behind her quiet.
She got undressed and slid into the water slow, wincin’ from how drained she was. She ain’t even look my way. I just stood there for a second, takin’ in how small she looked in this big ass tub, how tired her face was and how she kept starin’ at the wall.
I left her alone long enough to grab my tray, broke the weed down, rolled it tight, and came right back. I sat on the edge of the tub and sparked the blunt, let it burn for a few seconds, and held it out to her.
Her hand shook a lil’ when she reached for it.
Her eyelids was so swollen she could barely keep them open. She took a long pull and let the smoke slip out slow, like her whole body was too tired to do anything else.
I pulled up the stool from her vanity and sat next to her. She kept starin’ straight ahead.
After a long stretch of silence, she finally spoke.
“Do she look like me?”
Her voice was small and hoarse, like she wasn’t even talkin’ to me, but more like she was talkin’ to the ache sittin’ in her heart.
