At first, I ain’t recognize what I was lookin’ at.
It was a lil’ packet, neat and clean, tucked in one of the inner pockets like it was meant to be hid. I pulled it out and stared at it, my brows furrowin’ as I read the label under the dimmed light. It didn’t hit right away, not until I grabbed my phone and looked the shit up just to be sure I wasn’t jumpin’ to conclusions.
That’s when my heart dropped.
It was birth control pills.
The words stared back at me on my screen, clear as day, and my vision blurred for a second like my brain was tryna reject what it was seein’. I looked back down at the packet, then back at my phone, then back at the packet again, countin’ the missing pills without even meanin’ to.
When I realized it was two weeks of missin’ pills, my mouth went dry.
All this time, she had been tellin’ me she couldn’t have kids. All this time, I had wrapped my head around that reality, hadmourned it in my own way while still tryna love her through it, and now here I was holdin’ proof that she had been takin’ steps to make sure I didn’t get her pregnant.
On purpose…
I ain’t even feel anger first.
I felt stupid…
I sat on the edge of the bed with that packet in my hand, my whole body goin’ numb as a thousand thoughts crashed into me at once. How long had she been doin’ this shit? Did she ever really think she was infertile or had that shit been a lie too? Had she been playin’ me this whole time while I was bendin’ myself in half tryna be what she needed?
I thought about my pops and the shit he used to say, about Toni not bein’ built for a nigga like me, about love makin’ a man blind if he let it. I brushed that shit off back then ‘cause I loved my wife and I believed in her, but right now his words felt realer than ever.
I thought about all the times Toni pushed me to take my meds, to work on myself, to be patient with her triggers and her trauma, and I did that shit ‘cause I loved her and I wanted us to be right. I had been tryin’ in my own way, fightin’ my demons one day at a time, and now I was realizin’ she had been hidin’ hers from me the whole fuckin’ time.
I felt betrayed…
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
My cousin Sha’Nelle was finally about to come see me and I swear I needed that shit more than I even realized.
I was standin’ in the shower with the water runnin’ hot enough to fog the glass, lettin’ it beat down my shoulders while my mind wandered in a hundred different directions at once.
Life had been… loud.
My thoughts drifted back to Sha’Nelle and how long it had been since I had seen her in person, since before all the bullshit with Kay’Lo and my family blew up and turned everything upside down.
Like I said, Sha’Nelle was my cousin, but she was more like my sister. She was the kind of person who knew my moods without me sayin’ shit, who could read my face and tell whenI was lyin’ to myself. I missed that. I missed havin’ somebody around who knew me before I became somebody’s wife, and before my life got wrapped up in power, money, danger, and love that came with consequences.
I finally shut the water off and stepped out, grabbin’ a towel and wrappin’ it around my body as I wiped the steam off the mirror. My face looked calm, but my eyes told a different story.
I dried off, lotioned my skin, then pulled my hair up into a neat bun, smoothin’ my edges the way I always did. I slipped into a fitted jumpsuit, simple but cute, slid on my sandals, and grabbed my purse off the counter. I was almost out the bathroom when I caught sight of Kay’Lo through the open bedroom door.
He was sittin’ on the edge of the bed with his elbows on his knees, and a blunt between his fingers, smoke curlin’ up around his face. He wasn’t on his phone. He wasn’t watchin’ TV. He was just sittin’ there, quiet, lookin’ straight ahead like he was somewhere else completely. And that made my stomach tighten.
I walked over to him, leaned down, and kissed his lips soft. “You good?”
He nodded once. “Yeah.”
The shit was dry, and flat.
I pulled back just enough to look at him, searchin’ his face. “You wanna ride with me to get Sha’Nelle?”
“Nah.”
It was that same dry tone and I ain’t like it.
“You sure you straight?” I asked again, my voice softer this time.
