I swallow and don’t quite meet her eyes, not sure if there’s something too wolfish in my gaze. “All I have to do is think about anyone hurting you or Arianna, and I feel like something snaps inside me. My heart breaks. All I have to do is let it break something else,” I mutter.
There’s a silence so loud that I can hear all three of our heartbeats.
And then she kisses my cheek.
“That is crazy. And beautiful. And scary in a good way,” she whispers, and hands Little Miss Giggles back to me before she slips away, into the bathroom to take her shower.
I look down at Ari.
“Wanna help me make dinner, kiddo?” I say, nuzzling her cheek.
She grabs my bangs with both hands and tugs.
“I’m gonna take that as a ‘Let’s go do it, big fella! But for future reference, hair-pulling hurts. You don’t wanna do that to your friends. Now, if anyone ever messes with you, yank away, princess.”
Chapter Eight: Loretta and Jasper
He thinks I’m in the shower, but it’s just running while I lean against the door, nerves falling apart.
I hear him talk to Ari. I trust him with her. I trust the man who can break a poker in half with my tiny, helpless baby—and he’s giving her self-defense tips and then making dinner for us.
My body is a traitor. I’m still married. I still love Matt—in some ways. But I know now, like the way you know things when you’ve had time to process what you couldn’t understand in the moment, that I’ve been falling out of love for a long, long time. I feel like a failure.
So I should be miserable and heartbroken, and I am.
But why am I also... Why is my body also acutely aware of feelings I thought motherhood had killed?
Leaky boobs. Saggy tits. Floppy belly. I can count on one hand the times Matt has wanted to have sex with me since getting cleared post-partum. The comments he made about my body turned me off in ways I can’t even describe. It was a combination of scorn from him and shock from me.
I made you this precious baby, with this body, through weeks of pain and nausea, and you insult it?
No, a-hole, you can’t use it anymore.
I’m probably just having a little gratitude overcorrection with Jasper. I’m sure he didn’t look at me with a little bit of yearning. I’m sure he’s not imagining me as part of his happy family, just one that he’s borrowing, trying it on for size.
But my confused body doesn’t know that. It hums and throbs in places that I thought I was done with. My hands wander with the new loofah Jasper so thoughtfully provided.
I remind myself that everything used to feel this good with Matt, too, that it looked so perfect, that I moved too fast.
You didn’t. He wasn’t ready; that was your mistake. A mistake he compounded.
I think about Jasper. Already established. Gorgeous home. Secure job. Right priorities. Older than me, but not old enough that it’s wrong to find my hand wandering down between my legs, tentative, like a visitor who might be turned away angrily.
I’m not. Things feel wet in a way that has nothing to do with water, and my fingers dance and slide, just the way I like them, not the way Matt thinks I should like them.
I bet Jasper listens. He doesn’t think of women as something to own, a possession you can use like you want. Yeah, because he’s not insecure. He doesn’t need to prove he’s the boss. He radiates something... Big D energy? Alpha male? But not at all in the boastful, braggy way.
Confusion forces comparisons. I remind myself there’s nothing between Jasper and me, and that it would be weird, wrong, and way too soon.
This is just a fantasy. I’m allowed to have those again. I haven’t had any in a long, long time that didn’t involve sleeping through the night or a day without yelling or snide remarks.
If Jasper is the subject of some thoughts while I’m vigorously rubbing the most neglected area on my body, well, I don’t think that’s so terrible.
I come, suddenly, knees going weak, making me let out a surprised laugh.
I think if Jasper knew he was the subject of my fantasies, he’d take it in stride. Probably blush and shrug and say something Jasper-like, something like “Glad I could help.”
I look in the steaming mirror. It’s officially been one day since I ran away to start a new life. A better life.
