“I’ll do the evening news if your parents come to town and sit with you, or if you let me introduce you to the neighbors and feel okay to hang out with them. Or—hey! You and Ari should come to the station with me.”
I shake my head, not rejecting the offer, just confused. “But you didn’t go to work.”
“Well, no. You were asleep. I wasn’t going to leave you two unguarded. I promised I’d keep watch.”
“Yeah, but I don’t want you to lose your job or something because you have to take time off,” I cry. I feel my stomach roil, and flashbacks of angry arguments cloud my vision.
Matt’s hoarse shout. I was sick with the worst virus I’d had since I was a kid, and Arianna was only three months old. I was exhausted, and I asked Matt to stay home.
Nope. He was the breadwinner. He couldn’t take off for sick wives and kids. That’s whyIwas allowed to stay home. I would stay home with the baby. If I needed to have another adult home, I might as well stick Ari in daycare, get a job, and get off my lazy ass. No losing hours and money for him.
“I won’t lose my job. It’s a one-horse station, but I have the football coach at the high school who sometimes does the sports segments, and Pine Ridge has a branch campus of NYU here. There’s a journalism and communications department. It’s small, housed under some bigger department, like liberal arts. I give them a couple of mornings and three evenings a month tocover the weather and local news. Only seniors can cover, and I meet with them the day of by phone or video call to go over things, and my producer is on site.” He laughs and nods, looking excited, eyes lighting up under thick brows and thicker, mussed bangs that have lost their professional “gelled in place” look. “It’s really great for them, actually, because they can claim actual on-air experience and they can use the broadcasts for their demo reels. Our sister station does some segments if there is any breaking news that impacts the region, you know, emergency stuff or national advisories, stuff like that.”
I smile. I can tell Jasper loves his work. I can tell he’s excited about this town, about his little “one-horse station” and the people who help make it flow.
Matt used to love his job. It was always hard work, but he was proud of it.
And then I became his “happy little housewife,” and the grumbling began.
I wince a little, remembering the barrage of complaints I’d hear each night, the constant comparisons to how “easy” my day was, lounging around with a cute little baby.
I remember the guilt. The way I slowly stopped telling him about household problems. Stopped asking for help. Started to think his outbursts were just stress, stress thatIcaused.
Jasper sees my tense expression and sticks a hand out, but leaves it in the air between us. “You okay?”
“I’m j-just glad you won’t get fired because of me.”
Something Matt used to threaten sometimes. If I made him late. Made him tired by asking for help with Ari in the night. “Do you want me to oversleep, miss work, get fired? What are we supposed to live on, your ability fluff the couch cushions? You want our daughter to starve?”
Another wince. He went to extremes so quickly. The more I whimpered and protested, the more I tried to explain that was never in my head, the more frenzied he became.
I swallow. Did he... Did he get off on making me afraid, or something?
I think about our costumes, Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf. They weren’t a romantic couple. Matt’s costume was gory and gross. Mine was cheap and scanty.
Predator. Prey.
Maybe I’m the one going to extremes now.
I think this is what they mean by racing thoughts...
Why is it all coming back now?
Was it as constant as I’m imagining?
I blink hard, trying to squeeze my overtaxed new-mommy brain back into something calm and stable, something productive, not just flashbacks and panic.
Jasper looks at me with his head tilted, eyes squinting. Maybe he’s trying to send his extra brain power to me. “No, I’m covered. My producer isn’t the type who fires people for taking leave in an emergency. But even if I didn’t have a cool boss—I have sick time that I don’t use too much of. When you’re the only reporter in a little town, you work a lot of hours, covering a local fair here, a grand opening there, morning forecasts, and evening commutes... It all adds up, and I get my hours in, not to mention they consider mentoring and coaching those senior communications students part of the gig.”
“Good. That’s good.”Come on, Lungs. Air in. Air out.
“You know, if I did lose my job for helping someone, it would be the right thing to do. This life only lasts a few decades. Eternity is forever. I know what I want my soul to do. The right thing. If I lost a job taking care of my wife and baby, I’d get another one, any other one, and I wouldn’t blame her for something she couldn’t help. Real men don’t do that.”
“My daddy never did,” I whisper.
Jasper nudges the phone toward me. “Want to call him?”
“HI, DADDY,” I WHISPER.
