I do love Brandon, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s not telling me something.
I’m suddenly back on the campus sidewalk, watching a man with secrets walk away with my heart beneath his heel. If I can’t admit my love for him now, is he going to leave? Does he already have one foot out the door?
“You love me,” he says, pleading. “At least, I think you do.”
“I’m not ready to admit anything,” I hedge, “but Idowant to be with you. I want you, Brandon.”
“For how long, Kate?” His sharp breath is almost a laugh. “A month? Two months? I’m not in this for like, for lust, or if our expiration date is still valid. I want forever, Kate. Now I’ll ask this again, do youloveme?”
“I…” I can’t bring myself to say the damn word, even though IknowI love him. “I need to know why you’re asking. Why are you acting like this? You were just fine before I?—”
“Listen.” His pacing picks up. “I fell in love with a brick wall once before, and I won’t do it again.” He tugs on the ends of his hair. “I deserve someone to loveme, dammit! To choose me! I’m done making nests. I’m not sticking around if you’re gonna close off again. I can’t go another six years living like an addict on the crumbs of affection you occasionally choose to give me. You, of all people, should know what that feels like.”
Tears spring to my eyes. Is that what I’ve been doing? Stringinghim along with conditional affection? Am I no better than the two I just left in that study?
“I–I’m not doing that,” I say, stumbling as sand slips between my toes. Am I? Did all of the walls I built to protect myself only turn me intothem?It can’t be.
“Brandon, don’t do this,” I plead, although I’m not exactly sure whatthisis. “Stay with me. Idowant you.”
“That’s not good enough.” Brandon tugs me close in a wrenching moment of déjà vu. The skin across my forehead knows exactly what’s happening long before his lips make contact.
“Nice knowin’ ya, Katie Cat,” he chokes out, tears wetting my cheeks.
A sob lodges in my throat, but Istillcan’t make myself respond. This can’t be happening. None of this makessense. He’s not telling me something.
And as I watch Brandon stride away, my heart breaks. A sob claws out of my body, and I crumple. Sand bites into my palms.
Brandon’s only motive was to love me.
But how am I supposed to admit I love someone when I’m not sure I even love myself? Were my barricades really sparing me frombeingthe disappointment all these years? Or could I not handle someone else letting me down again?
I ball my knees to my chest, my sobs only accompanied by the ocean.
In the twenty minutes it takes me to return to the pool house, Brandon and his things have vanished.
I curl atop my bed. The sheets still smell like him, the sand clinging to me scratches my skin, and my heart breaks a little more.
forty-two
PRESENT DAY
KATE
Chicago is overcast as the plane touches down. I tug off my noise cancelling headphones and pause my self-help podcast. I barely registered a word of it. Shoving my things in my bag, I wait for the awkward dance of passengers removing their carry-ons from the overhead bins.
I was able to fly Brandon’s absence under the radar until the shuttle came to pick us all up from the beach house. Liza had enough sense to not question me in front of our parents, who both had the nerve to look smug as if I was the one who sent Brandon away.
They can think what they want.
I’m numb, hollow, and entirely too exhausted to discuss a word of what went down last night. In fact, I’m still not entirely sure of what went down last night. While I have Brandon’s number and could try to find clarification, it’s like my heart has been sliced open, each nerve ending a live wire of pain.
I knew this would happen if we got close again. Didn’t I warn us both to stay friends? And like stupid exes who don’t know how to stay exes, we blurred the lines. Fragmented reality, and both of our hearts got shattered because of it.
My family took up the rows behind me, so I’m first off the plane. I half consider racing away to baggage claim, but I’m only a few feetthrough the gate when Liza puffs up beside me. Her face is red, like she elbowed a few passengers to get to me and now feels bad about it.
Cam does his due diligence down the jetway, stalling my parents with some conversation I can’t hear.
Liza turns the full force of her attention onto me and swipes an overgrown bang behind her ear.
