My right hand shook and I grabbed it with my left. Straightening, I swallowed around a tightness in my throat. “I.... Phillip, I don’t think—”
“Good for you. I didn’t think you had it in you.”
I didn’t, at least, I didn’t have it in me to tell him he was wrong, and the student Alex was talking about was a man. And he’d pursuedme. If I told him, he would tell Dad, and I had no idea what Dad would do if he found out.
“I have to go.” I grabbed my phone from between my shoulder and ear and ended the call. Collapsing in the chair, I took quick, shallow breaths, my chest constricting around my racing heart. I gagged and made a small wailing sound in the back of my throat involuntarily, then dropped my head onto the table. “Damn it.”
I sat there for a while before I was finally able to make myself move. The urge to go in my room and lock the door took over, and I rose on shaky knees, shoving the rest of my books in my messenger bag before I rushed from the classroom.
I stalked down the hallway and out the front door, and I managed to get halfway to my car before I sawhim. I ducked as quickly as I could, hiding behind the closest brick building, then pressed my back against the wall. It felt stupid to hide from Yukio, but I couldn’t face him. Peeking around the wall, I licked my dry lips as I searched for him, and finally my gaze landed on him again.
He was with Milo and a couple of other men, and he looked... terrible. Even from here, I could tell he didn’t look quite right, with his clothes a fashion disaster and his hair a mess. He wasn’t wearing any rings on his fingers, and while he smiled, there was somethingmissing. He wasn’t the Yukio I knew and cared for, yet I couldn’t help the jealousy that stirred inside me when one of the men swung his arm around Yukio’s shoulders, plopping a kiss on his cheek before laughing. Had Yukio moved on already? The thought shattered my heart all over again.
“What are you doing?”
I jumped and bonked my head against the wall. Spinning around, I huffed when I focused on Alex, who stood right behind me. “Nothing. I was just... stretching.”
“Stretching?” Alex didn’t appear much better than Yukio, with the bruises on his face turning yellow, but the one under his eye was darker than ever. His eyelids appeared heavy, and he kept blinking as though he was struggling to keep them open. “Stretching to see Yukio maybe?”
I flushed and coughed into my hand. “No.”
He sighed and brushed a hand through his brown curls. “Fuck. This is fucked.”
“I know.” I rubbed my chest and gave him a small, sad smile. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
“Did he make you gay?” His question seemed out of left field, and I stiffened.
After a moment, I shook my head. “No. No, he didn’t, Alex.” The nickname slipped in so easily, but he didn’t stop me from saying it this time. The grief in his eyes weighed heavily on him and me. “You’re old enough that you should know no one can make someone gay. They are or aren’t. I’ve always been gay. That’s why your mom and I divorced.” Shame curdled in my stomach like old milk. “She caught me watching gay porn and knew the truth. Why things had never been good between us. I had to tell her.”
“But why?” He frowned. “Why did you marry her if you were gay?”
The answer was multilayered, but I didn’t want to discourage the conversation. This was the first time in a long while that Alex was asking me questions and having a real discussion with me. I missed this. Us. “Your grandpa.”
He stared at me for a long second. “What did Gramps do?” He didn’t sound surprised.
I glanced around to see if anyone was listening, but the area where we stood was secluded and barely any students came this way. “Everything. Anything.” I ran a hand down my cheek. “Alex, your grandpa.... He’s not a nice man. I know you love him, but he’s mean. Real mean. I sent you away to military school because I wanted you to be different from me. Your grandpa always hated me, hated how I was, and he called me a lot of horrible names.”
Alex’s eyes widened.
“The truth is that I believe I’m autistic, and your grandpa’s not the type of man to accept that kind of difference. Candy, your mom, she always sent you to his house so he could babysit you, but I didn’t want you near him. But I didn’t want you near me, either. I wanted you to excel and be the opposite of me. Better. Loved. Popular. Maybe like your uncle, Phillip.” I cringed at how blunt my words sounded. “So, I sent you to military school to both be away from your grandpa, but also to be somewhere you could grow to be a man.”
“Unlike you?” He snorted and shook his head. “Fuck, Dad.”
“I know it sounds stupid—”
“Yeah, it fucking does.” He threw his hands up in the air, and they came back down to slap against his sides. “You don’t think I know what Grandpa’s like? He’s a racist, homophobic, misogynist asshole, and he’s always been that way. You didn’t.... Fuck. You didn’t tell me how horrible he treated you.”
I blinked at him, not sure I understood. “Why would I? You’re my son and you love him.”
He laughed, but it sounded pained. “I never loved that crazy old bastard. Don’t you remember the last time I went to see him?”
I thought about it carefully. The last time I could recall had been during the past summer. Alex had traveled to see his grandpa, who lived outside New Gothenburg. “Last vacation?”
“Yeah. And we got into a fight. I told him I was gay, and he called me.... Well, you know what he’s like. I punched the fucker.” He shrugged, clearly undeterred by the information he’d given me. He grinned. “He called Uncle Phillip on me, but Uncle Phillip already knew. He high-fived me and took me home.”
“Wait. What? Phillip knew about you?” I pressed my back against the wall, curling my arms around myself. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He dropped his head. “Because you don’t listen. You forgot I was on the basketball team, Dad. You’re always in your own little world.”
