I exhaled and made my brain focus onmy son. I wasn’t my father, and he wasn’t, either. “Why did you get into a fight with this other student, Alex?”
His nostrils flared.
I’d said the wrong thing, but what?
“Don’t call me that.”
“Alex?” I frowned. I’d called him that nickname since he was a baby.
“I hate that name. Don’t. It’s A or Alexander. You know that.” He crossed his arms and his cheeks flamed redder.
Did I? I couldn’t remember. I snagged my bottom lip between my teeth and flinched. “Alexander, tell me what happened.”
“Nothing. Forget it.” He let out a huff.
“Alex, I—”
“It’s Alexander! For fuck’s sake.” He spun on his heel and went to walk off, but I grabbed his shoulder, dragging him back. He batted away my hand and his glare returned fiercely. I was failing him again, and I didn’t know how to fix it. “This is why Mom left us. You don’t listen.” He jabbed a finger in my direction.
No, she leftmebecause she found me watching gay pornography. When she’d demanded an explanation, I gave her the only one I could—I was gay. And furthermore, I imagined myself getting fucked by another man.
“You’re always so clinical. Everything is an experiment to you.Wewere an experiment to you.”
My heart hurt, the words digging a sharp blade in deep. “I’m not a scientist.”
He laughed again and this time it was meaner. The soundwasmy father. I hated that I’d let Alex spend any time with him at all. “No, it’s worse, you have a doctorate in ancient history. Instead of focusing on the present, you’re too busy thinking about a past that no one cares about anymore.”
“I care about it.” A warning sign flashed through my mind, but I couldn’t stop my mouth from moving, saying stupid things that were making the situation worse.
“Argh! You missed the point, Dad!” He stared at me incredulously. Or maybe that expression was disbelief. I didn’t blame him. Phillip had always said I didn’t have the social skills to live in society. He’d said the words to hurt me, but he wasn’t wrong. People and I never got along. I wasn’t stupid, I picked up on cues when I was focused enough, but other human beings mentally exhausted me. They were too much. They lied on purpose. They said things that weren’t true and knew it. It was a mess.
“Alexander—”
“We’re done. Next time I get into a fight, I’ll make sure they don’t call you.” He didn’t wait for me to respond, storming off down the long corridor. All I could do was watch him, my heart hurting as I thought about what to say, but it was too late. He was gone.
Sighing, I went in the opposite direction, saying hello to a couple of students I recognized from my classes. I left the building and headed to my car, replaying the conversation over in my head as I attempted to figure out what I could’ve said differently.
When I reached my lime green Kia Forte, I stared out at the lawn of the college in front of me. Students filled the area, some walking at a steady pace while others stalked like they were on a mission. Some had spread picnic blankets under the trees, their books splayed in front of them as they studied. This was an environment I understood and loved. From year to year, it didn’t change much. Education had always given me a home I’d never had before because it afforded me a chance to fit in with other people. There were academics out there like me, drawn into the world of theses and dissertations.
I sighed and grabbed my phone from my pants pocket, then stared at the screen. I considered calling Candy, but Alex hadn’t forgiven her for leaving us, and they barely talked. At least I’d tried—Candy hadn’t. She’d remarried and had two children, and Alex was forgotten, as though he was nothing more than old shoes she’d donated. Calling her would only end in a debacle.
Once I got behind the wheel, I dropped my phone into the middle console and let my head fall back against the headrest. There was nothing else I could do but let Alex cool down. He’d always been a hothead, but he came around after a few days. With him no longer living with me, he had the space he needed and so did I.
What a disaster.I groaned.
* * *
The next day I was back on campus in my office hard at work. I’d spent the night before having dinner alone—chicken and pasta that I’d cooked earlier—watched a couple of episodes ofVikings: Valhallaon Netflix while complaining about the accuracy, and then went to bed. Alone. I was always alone. Ever since Candy had left us, my life had revolved around raising Alex and pursuing my doctorate, then working hard to get tenure. It was difficult to find time to get laid, let alone go on a date, so I hadn’t done either... leaving me an anal virgin. And how ridiculous was that? Me, a gay man, had slept with a woman multiple times and had a son with her, but I’d never had sex with another man. The most I’d done was use a dildo on myself.
I shook my head and leaned closer to the paper in front of me. The words were beginning to blend together and my brain turned fuzzy. I slapped my pen down on my desk and fell back into my chair. Exhaustion weighed heavily on my shoulders, and even though it was only halfway through the day, my thoughts were still stuck on Alex.
Who had he fought and why?
He’d had a lot of issues in his life, but he’d never physically warred with someone. Cass hadn’t told me any of the details, either, and I hadn’t asked. I should.
A knock on the door tore me from my own mind and I straightened. “Enter.”
Brandt Hardy, who was a lawyer, stuck his head in and waved. Surprised, I stood and made my way around my desk to greet him at the door. Brandt advised prelaw students and it wasn’t often I saw him in my office, but I welcomed his visit. Like me, he loved what he did and enjoyed taking the time to have a hearty discussion about intellectual topics. He was also handsome, and I would have to be blind not to notice his chiseled jaw and striking blue eyes—the brightest I’d ever seen—not that I paid much attention to other people.
