I didn’t know how long we stood there, but I let him cry all over my chest until he had no tears left. By the end of it his trembles had died down, too, but every so often he let out a small hiccupping sob that put a bigger crack in my heart.
I led him to a seat and carefully sat him down, then I took one in front of him so he could see me. He wiped at his face and nose again but wouldn’t look at me, so I slid my finger under his chin and raised his gaze to me.
“Did you hear me? I will never let you go. Never.”
He sniffed and nodded, but I doubted he believed me.
“Why would you think that?”
“Heabandoned me. I wasn’t a very good boy to him.”
Anger clogged my throat and it took a few seconds to push the words past my lips. “He was a horrible person. He was the problem, not you, sugar.”
Phoenix blinked at me and swallowed. “You don’t tell me anything.”
“What?” I cocked my head and caressed my fingers down his jaw, and to my relief, he leaned into my touch.
“You keep secrets.” He let out a shuddery breath. “You won’t tell me the truth.”
I dropped my hand and sighed. Every part of me wanted to be open with him, but after making the promise to Ric I couldn’t, at least, not about the family business. I refused to let anything happen to Phoenix because he’d become too important to me.
“What do you want to know?” I took his hands in my larger ones, holding them as though they were as precious as the rest of him—because they were.
“The accident,” he whispered. “Tell me about the accident your mamma mentioned.”
I closed my eyes briefly and took a deep breath. It was easier for me not to speak about it, but Phoenix deserved to know. “I’m an alcoholic, Phoenix.” When I opened my eyes again, the encouragement in his teary gaze boosted my confidence. “That is why I don’t touch alcohol. It’s the reason I nearly died.” I tightened my hold on his hands and took a deep breath. “When I was younger I drank a lot, partied and fucked a lot of people. I was a sinner in every way. One night I had too many shots and got into a car with a man I’d planned on sleeping with. I was driving home to fuck this man when the accident happened. I don’t remember much, it’s all part of PTSD, your brain forgets what it can’t cope with.” I stared at him carefully. “Like with you and your past.”
He stiffened but nodded encouragingly.
“I will never forget the man I was going to sleep with, his lifeless eyes. He was dead, I’d killed him. Then I lost consciousness completely. I remember... meeting God in my dreams, and he promised me a good life if I repented. When I woke up I was in the hospital. I’d been in a coma for a few weeks. Not long, but long enough.” I stroked his fingers, focusing on him to get me through this conversation. I hated talking about the past, detested it, but he deserved to know. “So, I gave up my old life and turned to God.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” he mumbled with a wobbly voice and raised my hands to his mouth to kiss them. “Daddy.”
I smiled in relief at him calling me that. “Yes, it was. I was drunk, boy, and I killed a man.” It wasn’t like I hadn’t murdered men purposefully when my cousin asked, but this experience was different. It’d changed me. “I promised myself I would never drink alcohol again, and I went to the seminary. I became a priest.”
He licked his swollen lip. “I.... Thank you for telling me, Daddy.”
I cupped his cheek and laid a gentle kiss on his mouth. “I would never abandon you. Never. I’m not him and I never will be.”
He let out a small sob, and when a tear escaped, I wiped it away with my thumb. “Thank you, Daddy.”
17
PHOENIX
Things had been going well.Daddy had insisted I start seeing a therapist in addition to the group I went to, and it wasn’t as uncomfortable as I had imagined. Sometimes I still talked to Mr. Jericho, but he and Daddy agreed I should see someone who wasn’t as close to us because Mr. Jericho said he couldn’t be objective now that I was sleeping with Daddy, since they were such good friends.
Dr. Hollier asked lots of questions and didn’t force me to give answers. Sometimes he asked me to think about things while he sat there in silence with me. Once he’d learned I had trouble remembering large chunks of my past, he’d asked easy stuff.
What color was your bedroom while you were growing up?
What were your favorite foods your mother cooked?
What television shows did you watch with your friend Jesse?
It was actually nice to remember those things. I suspected he would start asking harder questions eventually, but for now I walked out of his office feeling better than I went in.
The only complaint I had about so many appointments was that they ate into my time with Daddy in the evenings throughout the week, but he swore it would be worth it in the end. So far, he was right, and I trusted his opinion. I felt like a completely different person compared to where I’d been last year at this time. I went to my appointments with Dr. Hollier alone, and that wasn’t something I would’ve thought of doing a year ago, either. I would’ve been too terrified.
