I was changing.
When we first met this would have horrified me. I wouldn’t have been able to stomach the thought of what he’d done. Sure, I didn’t know the details, but I could imagine a few of my own.
And I still wanted to make him feel good, touch him, love him—let him fuck me.
All I saw when I stared into Cillian’s strong face was one of the men I loved.
“I’m lost,” I whispered to him, and he clutched at my shoulders.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t care that you killed that man. At all. That’s what’s wrong. It’s wrong, Cillian. And I don’t care.” As I spoke, I found the bottle of shampoo and picked it up. His throat worked as I dumped a huge dollop of citrus-scented gel in my hand, then worked it into his short hair.
“Oh, firebug,” he said, with warmth in his tone, then dragged me against his hard muscles. He made me feel safe and loved, and I honestly didn’t care that he’d murdered tonight, especially since it was for me.
“God help me, I think it’s sweet. What you did. With the—” I mimed using a knife in the air, and he shushed me and shoved my hand down.
“It’s going to be all right.”
I wasn’t sure I believed him, but I nodded and helped him to finish washing his hair. He got out of the shower first and brought me a towel, and we spent a few minutes drying off. This time alone together was rare and we were dragging it out. As I stared at him in the bathroom mirror a dark expression crossed his face. I whirled around and pointed at him.
He jumped and held up both hands as if I’d caught him up to no good.
“Bug?” He wrapped the towel around his waist and his brows furrowed.
“You’re still upset. Are you upset with me?”
He let out a growl. “What ye did today? It was suicidal. When ye snuck yer arse out of the panic room? I was angrythen. Today I was scared. I don’t do scared,” he said and shoved me against the bathroom counter. It wasn’t a hard push, but I still caught myself with my hands, and he used the moment to crowd close to my body.
“Everyone does sometimes. Get scared, I mean.”
“I don’t.” Cillian slammed his lips against mine, and I let out a whine and kissed him back, sinking into the pain he caused. He turned me and ripped my towel away.
Cillian collapsed against my back, his chest pressed tight to me. He clutched my pecs, and I covered his hands with mine.
“Look at us. What do ye see?” he asked in my ear, and I got the feeling he wanted a very specific answer but wasn’t sure what it could be.
“Two men. Lovers?”
“If I’d’ve been five minutes later it would have been a dead man,” he said, nipping my ear.
“I knew you’d come for me.”
In the mirror I watched two lonely tears trek down his face, but that was it. No more fell. He wiped them off on my shoulder.
“I knew you would keep me alive. Safe.”
He turned and sucked a hard kiss to my neck, the type that would bruise, and I trembled in his arms. “Promise me, Vail.” His breath tickled my skin. “Ye will promise now.” His voice dropped and raised the hair on the back of my arms. “Ye will not take a risk like this again.”
“I promise,” I whispered.
His smile did a bit to offset the chill that swept me, but not much. I felt like I was giving up the last of the world I’d known. My father was gone. I hadn’t spoken to my mother since the funeral, though that wasn’t unusual. She hadn’t lived in the city in years, and when we’d met up to see each other, she’d had a man with her, grasping her hand. I wasn’t stupid. He was probably her boyfriend, and now that there wasn’t a husband to keep her coming back once in a while, I was on my own.
That was fine. My parents had always been overprotective, and I was an adult, but my life had been something I knew inside and out. Although, I needed someone to help me keep things organized, always. I hadn’t even seen my ADHD coach in months.
Everything was different now. As I stared at Cillian the coldness seeped away and warmth settled into my chest and slid down to my belly. This life here with my men was different and scary and dangerous, but I felt truly alive. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I could’ve died in an avalanche of books, the rate I’d been going, and no one would have found me until Lor missed me for a class.
“I’m putting my faith in you.”
