“I am not.” I pouted at him and reached down to touch my belly, wishing more than anything I could go home and slip on the silicone baby bump that was hidden in my room.
“Talk to me about Serge.”
“What about him?” I muttered, taking a sip of my drink, which was hot on my tongue. Wincing, I grabbed a napkin and dabbed at some coffee I’d spilled onto the table.
Logan brought our food and placed it down with a smile. I opened my mouth to ask him for his husband’s autograph, but Dare gave methatlook, the one that told me to stop changing the topic and focus on him. When Logan cocked his head at me, I merely said, “Thank you.” He nodded and left again.
“I thought we could talk here and now,” Dare said, his voice full of confidence. He’d always been the type of man who took the bull by the horns. I was jealous of his attitude. Women flocked to him, though he never seemed to notice, and I didn’t blame them. If I’d been a woman, I would have told him my feelings, told him that each man I’d dated and slept with was nothing compared to him. Some of my exes had known I wasn’t committed and could parse that I was hung up on Dare, and I didn’t need to tell them about my weird obsession before they rushed out the front door. I was in love with my straight best friend. It was a tragic story where I continually got my heart broken.
I stared down at my chocolate chip muffin, the only flavor I ate. I picked a piece off the top and popped it into my mouth, chewing it idly. “Before I have a breakdown about it?”
Dare smiled sadly because he couldn’t deny his motivation. A few hours after a breakup, I would realize I was once again alone in the world and cry. Dare was always there, though. He always hugged me against his warm, snuggly body. He didn’t have abs for days like Serge, or any of my other boyfriends, but I loved him exactly how he was. His hugs were the second-best comfort I could ask for. The first was my baby belly.
I stuck another piece of muffin in my mouth and sighed. “What do you want me to say? Another one bites the dust?” I rubbed my forehead. “Do I have a sign on me that says loser or something? They like fucking me, but they don’t stick around for long.”
He winced, and I opened my mouth to apologize, but he gave me a hard look, one that told me not to say sorry. Dare always told me I said sorry too often, that it gave people a reason to walk all over me. “Do you want me to kick Serge’s ass? I will if you do.”
I laughed because I didn’t doubt him for a second. “No, it’s fine. He was a cheater anyway. I always end up dating the two-timers.” But I didn’t know what it was like to be truly alone. If I didn’t have a boyfriend, I let my thoughts wander to Dare, and I fantasized about a day when he would look at me and see more than a friend. He would declare his love for me, we would kiss, and then he would take me into my room and make sweet love to me while I had my baby belly on. Dare was the Daddy I deserved—he just didn’t know it.
“Maybe that dating app isn’t any good. Aren’t there gay clubs around here?” He grabbed his toasted panini and took a big bite of it, moaning as a string of melted cheese stretched between the food and his mouth. He broke it with his finger and tilted his head back, dropping the string into his mouth. I watched, enthralled, as he licked the delicious fattiness off his lips.Yum. Forget the panini.I want to taste him. Bad.
“There are kink clubs, apparently? I suppose there are some clubs that could be considered gay clubs. Now that people feel comfortable going everywhere, the gay clubs are dying.” But I hated clubbing. I didn’t enjoy the loud, thumping music and all the perfect bodies that gyrated against one another. That wasn’t me. I didn’t have abs like Serge, either. My stomach was soft, supple, ready to be implanted with the right seed so it grew with a baby. I rubbed a hand over my belly again and sighed.
My deadbeat father would have laughed if he could see me now. He’d always called me strange, but the most poignant moment had been when I was around six. Mom bought me a Baby Born doll. Father had been furious when he’d seen it, demanded to know why Mom had thought that had been a good idea. I’d never been so happy in my life as the instant I received the doll, and I’d told Father it was my baby, that I’d given birth to it. Lost to his anger, he’d slapped me so hard I saw stars. He’d taken the doll from me and ripped off the baby’s head, leaving me irreparably traumatized. That was when Mom packed our things and we left him behind. We moved to New Gothenburg. Mom married my stepfather Michael—mydad. He was what a dad should be. He’d supported me from the start. And after that move was when I met Dare and my life changed.
“Want me to come with you?” He smiled and my entire body went warm.
“Why would you do that? Any guys I met would think you were my boyfriend.” I fought hard to keep my blush at bay and took a big bite from my muffin, hoping it would keep me preoccupied from what he was suggesting.
“I can be your wingman.” He held out his food to me, and I internally sighed, because he knew I was a sucker when it came to a ham-and-cheese panini, so I grabbed it, finishing off the muffin in my mouth. I nibbled a tasty looking part and passed it back to him. Dare shared everything with me, always had, and it was adorable.
I finished chewing and shook my head. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“Why not?” He grabbed his coffee and blew on it before taking a sip. “God, that’s nice. I love this place.”
I laughed in agreement. We’d met the owner a few times, a rough lady named Red who had the most vibrant crimson hair I’d ever seen. She was lovely, as long as you didn’t mess with her staff. I’d seen her throw customers out for not using their manners.
“Anyway, I’m not going to freak out if a few guys hit on me, Z.” He rolled his eyes. “My masculinity isn’t that weak. I’ll just tell them I’m straight.”
That wasn’t the problem. Some part of me imagined him seeing a man he actually did think was beautiful, and he’d take him home and I’d have to live with the fact I wasn’t the man to sway Dare’s mind. That was stupid, though. Dare wasn’t gay. You couldn’t justturninto the opposite sexuality, even if I did believe our desires were fluid. Human beings were primal creatures with a strong drive to fuck.
I ducked my head. “I don’t want to go out. I prefer to find dates on an app.”
He let out a long breath and reached over to touch my hand, entwining our fingers. He’d always been a touchy kind of guy and I liked it. No, I loved it. “Okay, if that’s what you want. I think you deserve better than these creeps.”
He didn’t know the truth—how strange my kinks were. He might not be saying the same thing if he knew my secret.
I stole my hand back from him and cradled my mug again, letting the warmth seep into the skin of my palms. “Nicky says he has this guy he wants to introduce me to. He plays in the kickball league.”
Dare groaned. “Nicky introduced you to Tad, too. Look how that went.”
“He apologized for that.” I felt the need to defend my friend. He’d never do anything to hurt me, and Dare was being overprotective as usual.
“Why don’t you go on a date with Nicky? He seems nice.” Dare raised his eyebrows.
I laughed so loud I nearly fell off my seat. A man in a leather jacket swung an incredulous look at me, and I gave him an apologetic smile. “Because we’re both bottoms, if you know what I mean. From what Nicky has said, every now and then he switches it up and tops, but not often enough that we’d work out.”
“Oh. So, you both… take it?”
