The door—which was solid steel and reminded me of everything else in the prison meant to make us submit to authority—was locked from the outside, but that didn’t keep me safe. No, it kept me trapped. I took a deep breath, and the funky scent of the ointment the doctor had smeared on some of my cuts battered my nose and reminded me of all the times I’d been patched up after fights. It almost felt good to have the old war aches rack my body again, something more than slipping and falling in the fucking bathroom would give me: real pain earned from a real punch.
It washonestpain.
In my fist, I balled a section of the thin white blanket someone had put over me while I was passed out and curled forward. My knees didn’t want to inch toward my chest, but I forced them, and my back muscles burned like a forest fire under my skin. I didn’t feel safe until my knees touched my chest.
My mind raced. Why the fuck had that guard, Greene, come to find me anyway? What did he care if I was half dead in this place? Wasn’t it supposed to kill me? That was the real sentence, surviving prison, and I wasn’t cut out for it. I let out a long breath. Maybe once upon a time I would have been fine in here, ruled this place, but not now. There had been something in the way Greene looked at me—pitying and soft. He’d have been dead twice over in the AS.
My stomach wobbled. Now that I hadn’t been drinking my bad moods away… or augmenting them—whatever—I was thinking about all of that old bullshit a lot. As soon as the tremors from the alcohol shakes had stopped in the hospital—they’dstartedmainly because the janitor who had been sneaking me vodka got caught, and I had to detox for real—old pain that had nothing to do with my body had swamped my mind.
The horror of it all.
I could barely get the endless nights with Tatum Black out of my mind.
The look on Angel’s face in the courtroom was burned into my brain, too, a quieter, frightful story in sharp relief. That day in court when I was arraigned was maybe one of the worst catastrophes I’d ever caused. I couldn’t believe I’d screamed at him. I didn’t know why it always came down to yelling at him. I loved my son, I really did. I didn’t want him to have my problems. Part of me wanted to drive him away forever to keep him safe, stop him from dealing with me.
It was only right that he not be near me. I’d end up getting him killed eventually.
No matter what Angel thought, I’d always wanted a good life for him, and I couldn’t give it to him. Much as I hated that prick Uhlig who was fucking him now, as far as I knew, he was a regular guy without any real skeletons in his closet. Even back in high school, except for the occasional fight, he’d been squeaky-clean.
He wasn’t like me.
He’d keep Angel safe… I hoped.
I sighed and punched the bed. I didn’t want to be alone, but I deserved it for how I’d treated Angel, and for my weaknesses. I trailed my fingers over my bruised face. Today had not gone as fucking planned, but I couldn’t really say I was surprised by what had happened.
Two boys from the AS bashing my face was just about right, far as my luck went. My heart pounded faster, and I wanted to get up and pace. How long had it been since it had even occurred to me to wish I could walk around? I’d been too fucked-up for too long. A drink or ten would be nice. The room felt far too real right now, and I wanted to dampen it and make it fade to a fuzzy dream. My hand shook as I rubbed it over my face.
The first punch I’d taken had almost been fun because it had been so long since anyone hit me. But the next one and the one after that had scared me because I was in no shape to defend myself against the soldiers.
That’s what my attackers had been, too, AS soldiers. I’d thought most of the awful organization had withered and died when Tatum Black went to jail, yet here they were today, wailing on me. Was the AS active again? Arctic cold seeped into my middle and spread through my body.
Please, no.
Tatum had been furious with me when I’d gotten seriously hurt in the fight with Uhlig. Livid that I’d been so careless and weak, he’d put out the word to get rid of me, and he’d let me know in no uncertain terms I was too disgusting to fuck if I was a gimp. My time was marked.
I’d been so terrified. Angie had been pregnant. I’d liked her, and she’d known about the AS but hadn’t really understood the danger I’d placed her in by being with her. Tatum had been insistent I have a girl at my side to keep the rumors at bay, and she fit the bill.
I’d had to lay low.
Turns out, hiding had become a permanent way of life. After the AS crumbled, every time I got a job, I would see the wrong person and run the risk of getting a bullet in the head. I quit job after job. Angie would fume and fuss at me. I’d liked her as well as I did anyone, but she’d talked me into marrying her when her belly was big. The relationship hadn’t been good for either of us, but then again, I’d never known when to cut and run from a bad situation. Plus, by then there’d been Angel to consider, and he’d been such a sweet boy. I loved him so much.
I dragged my blanket over my head, but then the itch of not being able to stare at the door got to me and I lowered it again.
The door opened with a creak and I just about jumped out of my skin, but it was only the doctor. He was too thin and helpful to be any of the nightmares living in my head, and while he didn’t smile, he’d treated me like a human being earlier, so I didn’t hate him yet. His long white coat fluttered around him like wings as he rushed in with a tablet in his hand that glowed brightly in the dim room, not even looking up at me. His hair hung in his eyes and he brushed at the strands absently as he typed.
“I want pills. I’m in pain.” It was an old demand, and I wasn’t even sure how much I wanted them, but I gave it a try.
The doctor sent me an infuriating, sympathetic smile. “You’ve been given as much pain management as necessary.”
I glared. “Can’t fucking move. I’ve had to piss for an hour.” My bladder twinged at the reminder.
The doc went out, then came back with a piss bottle. I grumbled but used it while he flitted around the room checking on the blood-pressure cuff that was strapped to my arm and went off at intervals, scaring the fuck out of me every time it happened. He took the piss back out again, and I thought maybe he was done, but he returned to check my face over. I didn’t even have anything much to complain about because he was unexpectedly gentle. Over the years I’d grown to hate doctors, but I wasn’t sure I could pinpoint the last time I’d seen one sober.
The small smile he flashed made me grumpy. “I’m going to check on your back. It might hurt, but I need to roll you.”
Bastard.I wanted to cuss him out but nodded instead, and we got on with it. Moving did fucking hurt, and his poking ached like fire and nails as he prodded and palpated. “Fuck, stop, now!”
He pulled my hospital gown down and hauled the blankets back up my body. I held my pillow tight between my hands and wasn’t sure when I’d grabbed it to abuse it. The last time I’d been to a regular doctor’s appointment, Angel had gone with me. I hadn’t realized how much I’d come to rely on my boy. I clutched the pillow to my chest and wished I hadn’t said all those awful things to him in the courtroom, but then again, he shouldn’t have been there.
