“Thanks. Would you like to come in?”
“Come… in?” River stared hard at the sitting porch, which was lit up from the front light I’d left on. I supposed he had a much nicer house, or maybe an apartment. Lawyers like him had money, especially if this car said anything about him. To my surprise, he nodded and opened his door, stepping out of the car. I did the same and stumbled to the front door, then twisted my key in the lock even as my hands started shaking again.
Leading him inside, I locked the door behind him before I guided him through the short hallway. While it looked small outside, the house was a lot bigger inside. It had three bedrooms, a family room, a dining room, and an office. The floorboards were polished oak, gleaming like new. The first room as we entered was the family room, and it was easiest to direct him into there.
Inside was an L-shaped maroon fabric couch, and on a cabinet in front of it sat a wide flatscreen TV. I had my PlayStation set up there because that screen was a lot bigger than the one in our bedroom. Across the room on the mantle over the fireplace was a display of photos, including one of me and Alex at our wedding, another with our friends in the marines, and one of me and Hayden as teenagers. Beside them sat other prized possessions, like Alex’s grandmother’s cabinet clock she’d given to him before she died. What was I meant to do with that now? Would his family want it back? They didn’t even know he was dead yet. I had to call them.
“Take a seat. Would you like a beer?”
River gave me a long look that made me want to back out of the room. “Haven’t you drank enough?”
“I…. Yeah, probably.” I shook my head. “What about a pop, then? I got Coke.”
River seemed to wince at that but nodded. “Coke will be fine.”
I headed in the direction of my kitchen and opened the fridge, pulling out two cans and then making my way back to him. He’d taken a seat at one end of the couch, his legs crossed at his knees and his eyes half closed, as though deep in thought or sleepy. He nodded his thanks when I passed him a can, then opened it, the hiss of the fizz filling the quiet room.
I sat two seats away from him. Not too close, but not too far. “I’m sorry if it was rude of me to ask about your lifestyle.”
River snorted. “I’m not ashamed. Rather… I have a reputation to uphold. People judge far too quickly when it comes to kinks. I don’t need a jury to vote against my client because they’ve heard all about the lawyer who’s a sub.”
“So, you are a sub?” I cocked a grin in his direction.
He glared at me, an expression I was quickly getting used to. “Yes.”
I took a sip of my drink and moaned at the sugary taste. Alex hated pop in the house—he was a health freak—but he’d always allowed me to have them. I limited myself to one a day. I hadn’t wanted to spend forever in the gym working off the sugar. Tonight was as good as any to splurge, though. “Thank you. For helping me see Alex.”
River ran his thumb around the rim of the can in his hand as he stared at me. “I’m sorry about your loss.”
“Yeah.” I gripped the Coke a little too tight and it crumpled slightly in my hand. I released the pressure again. “We were lucky, we never lost men in our squad. I’ve never really dealt with death before. A few blokes died in our regiment, but not really anyone we knew personally. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel. Right now, it’s numb.”
River moved across a cushion so that our thighs touched. He patted me on the shoulder, albeit awkwardly. He didn’t seem the type of guy who did emotions. “I’m sure it’s normal. It hasn’t sunk in yet.”
I snorted and glanced at him, at his high cheekbones and strong brow. He had delectable lips, plump, the kind I imagined would look good wrapped around a cock. “Is it normal to want to kiss you right now?”
River’s eyes widened and he stood abruptly, nearly knocking the Coke out of my hands in the process. “Okay, I believe it’s time to go.”
I stood as well, guilt gnawing low in my gut. Why did I have to put my foot in it? I’d just lost my husband. There was something seriously wrong with me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”
“No, of course you didn’t. You’re grieving.” He passed me his drink and I took it, not sure what else to do. He wanted out, and I didn’t blame him. I could feel the awkward tension in the air.
My chest heaved in a strangled attempt to breathe and I glanced away in a mixture of guilt and shame. When my gaze landed on that wedding photo, and Alex’s happy face, my gut churned and I thought I’d be sick.
“Yeah, you should go.”
River nodded and was already halfway across the room before I could gather the courage to make my legs move. I followed him to the door, but he turned when he reached it. “The detectives shouldn’t give you any more trouble. Call me if they do, I’ll handle them.” He hesitated and it looked wrong on a confident man like him. “You take care, Mr. Paxton. There are… plenty of good psychologists around New Gothenburg if you want to talk to someone. Call my office if you can’t do it yourself. I—we’ll get you an appointment somewhere.”
I shook my head. The last thing I needed was another shrink. “We already have one at work. No doubt she’ll want to talk.”
He swallowed again and tugged at his suit jacket. “Have a good night.” Then he turned and had a mad scramble with the lock before he bolted out the door, nearly running to his car.
Bloody hell, I just had to go and open my mouth. Slamming the door shut, I cursed myself and my desire to feelsomething—fucking anything. The numbness took me as far as asking to kiss my lawyer the day I verified my husband was dead. He probably thought I was guilty now.
I stumbled back into the family room and stared at our wedding photo, at Alex’s wide smile and his beautiful, tussled red hair. We’d both been so happy that day. I’d finally put a ring on the finger of the man I loved.
“Alex, what’s wrong with me?” I whispered to thin air, and for the first time since he went missing, a tear slid down my cheek. “I’m sorry.”
River
