"Why are you apologizing?" I signed roughly.
Ashe blinked. "Sorry, can you repeat that?"
I did it again in slower, deliberate motions but Ashe still looked confused.
Could it be that the content of my statement that tripped him up, not the fact that I was signing it? No, I doubted that.
"Wait, why would I not apologize?" Ashe asked. "I said something insensitive. I'm not a douchebag who won't admit when I'm being offensive."
The world slowed down. I stopped moving, the tension releasing from my shoulders and my jaw falling open slightly. I stared at Ashe in disbelief.
Against my will, I was sucked into an old, bitter memory. I was just a cub and my parents were having an argument in the next chamber of the cave. Worried and afraid, I snuck into the entryway and stood there, listening. I tried to find out what was wrong and how I could help, as if a child could solve their adult problems.
I don't remember what they were arguing about. It didn't matter. All I heard were terse voices, thundering words, and an uncomfortable charge in the air. But at one point, I must've been so scared that I whimpered too loudly. It drew my da's attention.
He wasn't happy.
"How many times have I told you not to eavesdrop on your parents?" he roared.
I don't think I could've answered him even if I could speak. I was frozen in terror.
"Answer me!"
I couldn't.
So my da raised his paw and struck me.
As rough and cold as my parents were, the action seemed wrong. Not that I retaliated. I just let it happen, and when it was over, I stood there frozen in shock and sadness.
It never once crossed my mind that he should apologize—that people evencouldapologize to me. After all, why should they? I wasn't worth the wasted breath. I was the one with the problem. Not anyone else.
So to hear Ashe openly and freely apologize to me right now made my chest feel weird. I wrung my hands, suddenly feeling as unsure of myself as I did back when I was a cub.
"Um... Bear?" Ashe said. "You good?"
I let out a small noncommittal sound. A non-answer. I didn't know if I was good or not. My mind was clouded, making it difficult to gather my thoughts. They avoided me, floating away like wisps of cloud between my fingers.
Without realizing I was doing it, I'd lowered myself to the ground with my back to the wall. My eyes were unfocused, staring at nothing.
The back of my neck tingled. Ashe's hand was pressed there, soft and warm.
His touch jerked me back to reality. I blinked at him, as if making sure he was really there, a physical presence and not a figment of my imagination.
Worry was plastered all over his face. "Bear?" he asked again. "You're starting to freak me out. Is everything okay?"
I wanted to nod but my body betrayed me and I shook my head instead.
Ashe's eyes softened. "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?"
What are you saying?I thought.Why are you acting like this?
His gentleness was so pure it was almost appalling. I didn't know another person could be this tender.
My hands wouldn't move. I was too frazzled to reply. Instead I stopped thinking and did what felt natural. I leaned my head against Ashe's chest.
Ashe stopped, then put his hands on my broad back. His hands smoothed loose circles over my skin. It felt so good that tears sprang to my eyes.
My own reaction confused me. Why was I crying? I wasn't supposed to cry anymore. I'd promised myself that after the cave in. After I lost the only people in my life who were supposed to care about me.
