Her smile is hesitant. “I thought we were doing that.”
“Yeah, but… It’s not an itch for me now.”
“What is it?”
“It’s a mission.”
Her features tilt up in shock, surprise, a bit of a smile, too. “O-kaaay. What’s going on? What changed?”
“I want to give you a baby. I want you to have that. And also…” That thing in my ribcage clenches, twists. I lift a hand and rub it. “I want to give…youto some baby.” I drop my head in my hands. “Christ.”
“You want to give me to a baby?”
“I…I’m not good at this. I only talk to guys, usually.”
“Oh. I’m your first woman? Is this a weird conversational virginity thing ’cause I am not a proponent of virginity nonsense talk.”
I elbow her playfully and she elbows me back. “No. I’m good with women. Iknowwomen. Ilikewomen. I just don’t usually…care.”
There’s a pause. Quiet. Her thinking things I wish she wouldn’t and me fighting this tightening vise around my middle. If it gets any worse, I’m calling 911.
“You care,” she whispers, looking me dead in the eye.
I sigh.
My head flops back and thunks against the wall.
Dammit. I do. I really fucking do.
33
Kit
He cares. Oh, god. Oh, god, I do, too. That’s why this is so hard, isn’t it?
If I care and he cares, then… “This isn’t a relationship,” I spit out, like I’m fifteen years old and Sven Larsson just told me he loves me. But just saying the words hurts.
Especially when what I really want to say is,Stay. Please stay. Stay and see where this goes.
His face goes hard and blank. “No?”
I shake my head, unable to face that look. He doesn’t want to stay here, working in a kitchen. He’s a world traveler, an adventurer. I’m a distraction for him, that’s all. An itch that needs scratching. “Relationships are…”
“Too much work?”
“They don’t end well,” I offer. It’s a tiny piece of me, though there’s no way he’ll know that. It also happens to be nothing but the truth.
He nods, eyes focused somewhere in the middle distance. “Like I said, I’ve never really had one.”
“Not one?Ever?”
“Geez. Make me feel weird about it. I mean, I’ve…” When he looks my way and flicks his eyes down toward my bottom half, I know exactly what he means. “I’ve fucked around. I guess I’m not exactly relationship material.”
For some incomprehensible reason, this gets my back up. “Why not?”
Are you kidding me?his expression says. “Look at me, Kit. Does this face really give you the wild urge to put a ring on it?”
I pause, the question flickering through me like surprise, shock.
