Yeah, well,she thought, forcing her legs to go faster, to push through the snow again and again,turns out shitty neighbors make pretty good mates. Figured you’d know a little something about that.
Her sister’s laugh rang through her mind, soft and sweet and amazed.Yeah, I do. And yes, I got a picture.
ChapterFifteen
Clark had been staringout of his kitchen window long enough to feel an ache in his joints. It wasn’t enough to make him move, though. Nothing was.
Nothing except the decision to walk out of the house, grab one of his family’s work trucks, and drive back to his mate’s house as fast as he could. Which he couldn’t do.
Which Ishouldn’tdo, asshole.
The mug of hot chocolate in his hand had long since gone cold. He hadn’t taken a sip of it. In fact, he hadn’t sipped anything, let alone eaten a meal since he left his mate that morning to walk home in the snow.
Every step felt worse than the last, and not just because it was a pain in the ass to trudge through deep snow. It wasn’t just instinct that made their separation awful, either. It wasn’t until he was alone that he realized how much sunshine she brought to his life, nor how much he looked forward to seeing her, chasing her down, and checking on her every day.
He’d been infatuated with her for so long that he didn’t quite know who he was when they weren’t together.
No, that’s not true,he thought, numb fingers clenching around the mug’s handle.I know who I am. I’m the town’s damn golden boy.
It was with a jolt of shock that he realized he might actuallyresentthat. Just a little. Just enough.
Nelly never asked me to do things for her. Nelly never made me feel like my presence was conditional, or like she wouldn’t miss me if I left. Nelly wanted me to stay just because shelikesme.
He’d scrambled to think of something todofor her to show his worth, and that old insecurity had been pricked by her conversation with her parents, but he knew that urge had nothing to do with her. Not really. It washim.Nelly had very vocallyneverwanted him to earn his place at her side. When she opened up to him, it was because he gave her…himself.Nothing more. Nothing less.
An odd feeling took up residence in his chest — like something small and hard had rattled loose inside of him.
Of course he’d known for a long time that he had some insecurities. Everyone did. He wasn’t joking when he said as much to his mate. They played a large role in why he needed to be liked so badly, but he’d never considered the fact that he might actually have some hurt squirreled away. It wasn’t until he was around someone who didn’t expect anything from him at all that he sensed it there, like a bruise he didn’t know he had.
His gaze listlessly tracked the light flurries of snow swirling outside his window as he admitted to himself,All right, maybe I am a little sore my folks didn’t ask if I wanted to go roaming in the caravan or visit for the holiday. Maybe it would have been nice for Seamus or Harrison to invite me over. Maybe I don’t always like being the only one who thinks of others.
His family had just assumed that he wanted to stay to look after things on the ranch. They took his smiles and his driving desire for friendship at face value. They always assumed he was happy to help, happy to take on the extra work, happy to accommodatetheirneeds because hewas. The problem was that Clark didn’t know how to get the love he craved any other way.
You need something done? I’m your man. Need a shoulder to cry on? I’ve got you. Want some help? Sure thing.
Good ol’ Clark, everyone’s favorite neighbor! He never asks for anything in return for his help ‘cept a smile.
But when the chores were done, the drinks finished, the chairs put away, did anyone reallywanthim around? Sure, they cared about him, but how much of that was based on a carefully crafted role he’d engineered by being useful? No one, not even his family, bothered to look pastgood, helpful Clark.
No one but Nelly.
Nelly didn’t want him to be anything but himself. She didn’t make him feel like his presence in her life was dependent on how much he could do for her. His mate only ever asked him for patience.
It made him feel like the worst kind of trash to know that the only way he could give her that was to put a little space between them.
It tore at him to think of her all alone in her cozy little cottage. He couldn’t stop remembering the look on her face when he said he needed to leave. She’d looked so shocked, like she hadn’t even considered that he would go, and it was simultaneously the best and worst moment of his life.
She wanted him to stay. Sheexpectedhim to stay. He was needed not because he knew how to lift heavy shit or groom a horse or watch kids for an evening, but because she’d chosenhim,even if she didn’t quite understand that yet.
And I left her all alone.
Clark stared at the strip of night sky he could see in the far distance, just below a heavy layer of dark clouds, and worked his jaw back and forth. He thought of her making dinner for one. He thought of her sitting by the fire all by herself. He thought of her climbing into her nest without him, her little feet cold and her blankets drawn up tight and—
“Fuck.”
Figuring out how to give her the time she needed would just have to start tomorrow. He couldn’t handle knowing he’d left her alone for one more moment.
Whirling around, he dropped his full mug on his handmade kitchen table before stomping down the steps that led to the underground tunnel that connected the different areas of his house.
