His stomach rolled. “I… what?”
Tosun’s voice was quiet and grave when he explained, “She blamed herself for everything that happened. Not a day went by when she didn’t punish herself for it by thinking of you living happily without her.” His grandparents shared a stark look. “We went against her wishes when we asked you to come stay with us. We knew it would be hard on you, but we thought— gods, if it was her final days, shouldn’t she havesomehappiness?”
“Your mother was proud of you.” Frances swallowed hard and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “She loved you. She just couldn’t let go of the blame, no matter how wrong it was.” Dropping her hand, she suddenly turned a hard, furious look on her grandson and spat, “So don’t let meeverhear you talk like that again. You didn’t do shit! You were born. You were loved. That’s all the fuck you need to know about it, understand? Don’t you take on your mother’s burden. Don’t youdare.”
One breath. Two. Then, with a great shudder, the dam broke. Hot tears splashed down his cheeks.
I was born. I am loved. That’s all I need to know.
Soft arms wrapped around him from behind. Sensing his need, she’d come down the hill to join them in the grass. His mate’s hands came together over his heart. Tosun released the nape of his neck so Atria could rest her forehead there. Her breath was warm against his chilled skin.
Her love bathed him in waves, washing out the wreckage that this revelation left behind. The wind whistled around them as the sun finally began to set, streaking the sky in the colors of a healing bruise.
Kaz covered Atria’s hands with his own and thought again, with more conviction,I am loved.
ChapterForty-One
“Doyou want to take my grandma up on her offer?”
Atria watched Kaz’s expression closely as they pulled into the driveway of the homestead. It was dark, and when she glanced out of the windshield, she noticed that the sky was a deep navy streaked with blooms of violet and speckled with stars.
The homestead was a beautiful place. It had all the parts of the Sanctuary that she missed — the nature, the isolation — and she would be sad to leave it.
“Do you really think it could work?”
Kaz hit the ignition switch and leaned back in the driver’s seat. One big hand came up to scrub his face.
My poor guy,she thought, feeling his emotional exhaustion like it was her own.
Emotional catharsis was good, but he’d expressed things he’d been burying for decades all in one afternoon. By the time they left the Rione homestead, everyone was happier but worn down to their emotional core — no one moreso than Kaz. That great emotional ocean she loved so much felt sluggish, almost stagnant in the wake of such a massive release.
“It could,” he answered, sighing heavily. “But there are so many risks that I’m struggling to accept it as an option.”
“Talk to me. Walk me through what you’re thinking.” She said it gently, not wanting to push but knowing he would brood unless they got it out in the open.
Kaz leaned his head back against the headrest and shot her a pained, brows-drawn look. “The fact that we got here unharmed is a miracle. Let’s say we pushed our luck and drove to the New Zone now in a caravan. Odds are we won’t be even half as lucky now that word of the bounty has had this long to spread. Would we make it to Washington? I don’t know.
“All right, let’s say we got another miracle. We make it there. Great, except for the fact that this is the one spot and one time that everyone hunting you knows you’resupposedto be.” He shook his head. “I know the point is to make you a target too big to hit, but what if we get there and we don’t make it as far as the stage, Atria? I only have me to defend you. In a conference hall or whatever the fuck, I can’t have eyes and ears everywhere. I can’t be the security detail you need.”
Guilt squeezed her. “I’m sorry. I know how much you’ve done for me. I don’t want to—”
“Atria.” Kaz turned his head to look at her, his expression suddenly fierce. “Listen. I don’t give a fuck what it costsmeto get you there. I’d give up anything to make you happy. You would do the same for me.” He said it with the utmost confidence, as if it was a foregone conclusion.
You would do the same for me.
“I would,” she answered, throat tightening. “Anything.”That’s why I already decided we can’t go.
Kaz reached over to brush a strand of hair off of her cheek, his expression cut in lines of aching tenderness. Speaking softly, he said, “What I can’t stand is that I might be walking you into danger.Knowingly.”
“Is this worse than running from the motel?”
“Yes. Before, I hadn’t seen a man point a gun at you. I didn’t have this— this horrible awareness of exactly what my world would look like without you in it. I could havelostyou, Atria. While I don’t regret choosing to leave with you, I also don’t know if I can stomach putting you that close to danger again, princess.”
A great upswell of cold, prickly terror filled the cab of the vehicle. It rushed over her, choking the warmth and the affection that hummed steadily between them. Kaz’s fear threatened to drown them both.
In a ragged voice, he finished, “I can’t lose you, Atria.”
Atria clung to his hand as cold sweat broke out across her body. Although it was deeply uncomfortable, she didn’t try to soothe away the fear. Kaz was trying to tell her something, both verbally and with his emotions. There was nothing to fix. All she needed to do waslisten.
