When I get home, there’s a disheveled Hayes sitting on the floor next to my front door.
My brows furrow as I push his leg with the end of my foot, and he stirs. He clears his throat and stands, dusting himself off and handing me a massive arrangement of flowers.
He looks like he’s already been properly scolded as he looks down at me sheepishly.
“I’m going to start off this apology by saying that I didn’t think tonight through. I thought Nate would see you on stage and realize he needed to stop being such a good guy for once and take what he wants. I also thought that when you saw us you would realize how much we all want you. I never—ever—meant to make you cry or think that you were being made fun of. Ever, Hailey.”
I look him up and down, my eyes heavy, it’s late as hell as I unlock my door, bypassing Hayes.
“Are you coming in?” I ask as Smokey greets me with a chirp and I pick him up in my arms and rub my face against the top of his head.
Hayes shuts the door behind him as I grab a glass of water. He looks around my space looking semi-pathetic and it makes me take pity on him. I grab a vase from under the sink and place it on the counter. He eyes me cautiously, like I might scream at him or fall apart.
“Can you put those in the vase? I’m going to shower. Are you staying?” I ask.
“If you’re okay with me staying.”
I just nod before walking back to my bathroom. I feel it’s only appropriate that he panics just a little longer.
I take my time in the shower, washing away all the glitter, scents, and emotions of the night. I’m not proud of the fact that my first reaction to them showing up was a negative one, that I’m that conditioned to believe I’m unimportant or a joke. It takes time to unlearn behaviors and learn new ones, and I wonder if I’m truly ready.
Am I ready to date and not dismiss them immediately? Am I ready to not nitpick, find one flaw, and then bail? It’s easier to act like Alphas aren’t shit and the world is out to get me. It’s how I protect myself.
But what if? What if I let them in?
My immediate reaction is fear and I try to shove it down. What I learned tonight is that my instincts are kind of shit. I need to push out of my comfort zone if I want something real, if I want to know what real love looks like.
I want to cry, but I’m just too tired, too overwhelmed to dig into the fact I don’t know what unconventional love looks like. The idea of giving and receiving love from someone and the thought of it being ripped away fills me with so much panic I have to disassociate or I’ll just break down.
Instead of dealing or analyzing my childhood trauma, fuck, my adulthood trauma, I get out of the shower and dry off.
When I look in the mirror, I think about who I want to be, what I want for my life. I want more than casual or transactional feelings that I get from Lavender Moon. It’s been a shield for me, I realize. A place where I’ve learned how to be the Omega I want.
It’s time to use those skills to become who I want to be and take what I want.
What I deserve.
When I come out into the hallway, Hayes has Smokey in his arms, scratching under his chin.
“Let me get changed and let’s get some sleep,” I tell him.
The poor man seems like he has an explosive strapped to him and he’s just waiting for it to detonate, but he nods. I change in my room and crack the door for him to come in, a simple invitation.
Hayes turns out all the lights in my apartment before entering my room. He’s quiet with his movements, getting down to his underwear before getting into bed with me. He’s respectful, not touching.
It’s then I decide I can release him from his guilt.
“I forgive you,” I tell him, wrapping a hand around his waist and resting my head on his chest.
The breath that whooshes out of him is palpable as he cradles me in his arms. I snuggle in close, loving the way he feels, loving the intimacy of sleeping in the same bed together.
“Nothing like that will happen again. You have my word.”
“Mmm.” I rub my face against his chest. “What kind of date are you taking me on?”
“Do you have a dream date?” Hayes asks into the dark.
Smokey is kneading biscuits between us, before he curls up between our legs and I think about it. I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve watched a lot of Omega dating shows and dramas and the over-the-top dates always got to me. I wanted someone to care that much, to go out of their way to do something extravagant for me. Does it make me sound spoiled or stuck-up to ask for something like that? Didn’t I tell him he didn’t have to spend money on me for me to want to hang out with him?
