“I asked, didn’t I?”
I pinch his shoulder and he grins. “Your parents will be there?”
That has him making a scrunched face. “I’ll get me, you, and Ben a rental. We won’t even stay at the house.”
“What exactly would you tell your parents about my reasoning being there?” I ask, mostly prying for my own knowledge.
“That you’re our friend?” he says it more as a question and I wonder why.
The magical moment feels gone as lead sinks in my stomach. “Right. Can I think about it?”
“Of course you can think about it,” he says, and he almost looks remorseful.
“Let’s shower and maybe you can take me home before you have to go to work?” I ask.
I need breathing room, time to think. Can I keep doing this knowing that my feelings are only going to grow stronger when Gavin still just sees me as a friend? There’s no Ben without Gavin, and I wouldn’t want there to be. I can’t simply make myself stop feeling this connection between both of them, but I’m also greedy and want every moment I can get.
“Yeah. I’ll take you home,” he says like he’s unhappy about it, lifting me off his lap and leading me to his bathroom.
I try to ignore the fact his cum is dripping down my thigh, almost like I’m ignoring the fact that I’ve fallen hard and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back up.
Being backin my home feels odd. It feels quiet. But it was necessary. I need to figure my shit out, plus the semester starts back up soon.
Luckily, my plans are ready to go with years of teaching under my belt, but somehow this feels different. Usually there’sa mix of mourning that the summer is over along with the excitement of having new students, but this year I find myself pouting more than usual.
This was the best summer of my life, and it was because of Ben and Gavin. I’m not sure why, but it feels like when the summer ends, so does everything we had together. I know how I feel, but have no idea where they stand. Beyond that, what does it even matter when I’m not sure how this translates into the real world?
What would people say? Think?
As much as I wish I didn’t give a shit about the optics, I do. Yet, part of me feels like if they told me this was beyond a friendship, it would be worth getting past.
Ugh, it’s all too much.
So instead of doing anything about it, I head to my art studio and let all these pent-up feelings out on a canvas. Maybe the scent of acrylic paint will help give me some clarity.
At least I felt safe in my home again. The security system Gavin had installed is top-notch, and there haven’t been signs of the SUV in the neighborhood according to Pat. Even though I feel secure, there’s still this lingering notion of how much safer I felt with Ben and Gavin.
I didn’t want a man; I didn’t want a boyfriend, and here I am pining after two.
What the actual fuck?
I start the painting; the thought came to me the other night. It’s a reflection of the one I made of Ben and Gavin, except it’s me. The two sides that make the woman, the two sides they made me see.
Surprisingly, as my brush strokes get smaller, I see the composition coming together before my eyes, hoping that some clarity will flow through me. Yet, the longer I paint the moreconfused I get wondering what the hell I’m doing and if I’m strong enough to withstand our friends with benefits situation.
30
THE FINE ART OF FALLING FOR YOUR FRIEND
I feela yearning I’ve never had before when it comes to Kate. I’m not sure exactly when it happened, or why it’s so deep, but this need to be around her is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before.
The night I spent at her house was a game changer for me. I’d never let a woman dig that deep, and she seemed to like the fact that I was letting her in.
She says she’s our friend, that she isn’t sleeping with anyone else, well neither are we.
“Should we just tell her we canceled our Avalon membership?” Ben asks.
“No, she doesn’t need to know that,” I say and he rolls his eyes as we wait at the museum entrance.
