“Then why are you frantically pacing all over the place?”
“Do you remember a woman named Kate? She came to the bar a couple of months ago?”
I sit up on the edge of the couch, looking at my brother, the clear as day guilt written all over his face. I can nearly feel it radiating off of him.
“What did you do?” I ask with an arched brow, instead of answering his question.
Of course I remember Kate. The way she melted against my touch and listened so sweetly. The way I wanted to do more, go further, but didn’t because it wasn’t appropriate. I also know she hasn’t been back to the bar since that night.
“She was at Avalon tonight.”
“Okay?” I say, holding out my hands in confusion.
“Do you remember back in school when we used to switch places? How funny we thought it was that people couldn’t tell us a part. Like that one time you went and took my AP Spanish test for me and I took your AP Bio test for you?” He licks his lips and shoves his hands in his pockets.
“Ben. What did you do?” I scold him, but do my best to not raise my voice. Ben is pacing back and forth
“I maybe, sort of, possibly didn’t correct her when she assumed I was the man she hooked up with at the bar a few months ago,” he says and I blink at him.
“You did what?”
“She was just so pretty. You’ve seen her, you know what she looks like. Both of our fucking types,” he says, pacing again. “She mentioned the fact that we—well, you—hooked up a few months ago, and I didn’t correct her. I was going to and then she took out this list of all the things she wants to do.”
I rub the meat of my palms against my eyes, my vision going splotchy.
My brows furrow, my brain trying to catch up with everything that Ben is saying. “She likes what you like?” I question.
I’m not sure why that’s the first question I ask after he’s basically admitted to lying to this woman and using my experience with her in the process.
Ben clears his throat. “Yeah, and she was fucking good at it, Gav. Like, fuck. I can’t remember the last time it was that good, like we were in sync with what we both wanted from the night. She wasn’t trying to degrade me or make me small. I know I shouldn’t have done it. I know that it’s fucked up and I’m sorry for not setting the record straight, but it happened fast and thenI was caught up in everything and she was so happy at the end of the night and so was I, and I just…I fucked up.”
I take a deep breath, looking at my brother while he’s spiraling. It’s harder for him than it is for me.
Finding women who want to be submissive, who are willing to do what I tell them, is fairly easy. Ben has a harder time finding what he’s looking for. When we have sex with women together, it’s easier because I call the shots. I can direct the situation so that we both enjoy ourselves.
It’s stupid, really. I’m only two minutes older than Ben, but it’s always felt like it’s my job to protect him. I would never say it out loud to anyone in my family, but he’s the person I love more than anyone in the world. I know you’re supposed to say you love your siblings equally. But Ben and I? We shared a womb. We are our parents’ worst monozygotic nightmare, the same genetic material tying us together for life. Every stage of life we’ve had, we’ve walked it together. Our brothers were also always so much older than us, it’s really only been the last decade that we’ve gotten really close.
Ben is my person beyond anyone else, and as irritated as I may be about him not telling Kate the truth, I’m more worried about him.
“She wants to see you at Avalon again?” I ask.
He nods, his face that’s an exact mirror of mine, looking to me for answers.
“What about when she asks you to take control, Ben? What if she wants to do other things on her list that aren’t what you’re into?”
His Adam’s apple bobs, and it’s clear he hadn’t thought that far, only considered how I was going to react to his deception.
“You know how I am. You have some idea of what happened that night. There’s a good chance she’s going to want that side of you—us—whatever the fuck, at some point.”
“Fuck,” he hisses, coming to sit next to me on the couch. “Do you remember her?”
I contemplate my answer, and in an effort to protect my brother, I do something we never do between one another; I lie.
“Maybe? Only because it wasn’t at Avalon,” I say, right through my teeth.
I remember her well. Unpracticed, eager to try new things, excited to please me while still asking for what she wanted. Maybe I could see her being with my brother after all. Maybe these months since her divorce she’s been able to find her voice. Good for her.
“This isn’t like when we were in school, Ben. You’ve gotta come clean or else this is going to eat you up, and it isn’t fair to her, either.”
