“Seriously, I can’t—wait. What?”
“Being here is more important. As long as you handle the major planning, I don’t see why you would have any issues.”
“Did you have a lobotomy?”
“Just tell me what I need to know,” I grate out and she smiles, a deep set dimple forming against her light brown complexion.
“Let’s start with accommodations.”
I spentabout an hour with Krystal finalizing the details and budget for Vegas. I considered going to Aiden’s place and forcing him to hang out with me, but I decided to go home.
It’s quiet in my apartment, something I treasured just the other day.
But as I sit on my couch in complete silence I wonder if there’s more to life than just surviving, and if there’s anything that might save me.
8
SILENT DEGRADATION
I’m daydreamingat my desk again. It’s been a problem all week. I’m fantasizing about a faceless man who wears suits and what he’s going to do to me tonight.
I’ll be exposed, completely at his will, and the thrill of it all makes it hard to concentrate.
The point of this all was exploration, giving myself something that I’ve wanted for a long time. Yet, I find myself falling into old habits.
Wayne, my stranger, consumes too much of my thoughts, just like every man I’ve fallen for way too quickly.
Part of me thinks I should stop. Actually, no, the rational side of me absolutely knows I should stop. The more I meet up with him, the more I’m going to wonder, daydream, and contemplate the kind of man he is.
I should have just stuck to masturbation, or maybe I should switch up partners at Key Club.
But the idea of choosing someone else seems like more of a risk than anything. Wayne could be meeting other people, but part of me doesn’t think so, at least not yet. God, I’m truly fucking pathetic. Am I seriously getting jealous over the idea ofa man I gave anonymous head to doing the same with other women?
I rub my forehead, willing the thoughts to dissipate as a grating voice interrupts my wayward spiral.
“Penny, I need these copied and ready to go for my meeting with the county athletic board,” Tabitha says, dropping a stack of papers on my desk.
I give her a smile and breathe through my nose before heading over to the scanner to do the wench’s bidding.
It’s not like it’s rocket science to stick the stack of papers on one side of the machine and wait for the others to come out. I really should stick up for myself, tell her to fuck herself and make her own copies. But despite how much I hate Tabitha, there’s part of me that doesn’t want her to hate me back.
I need to find a new job and possibly a spine.
What would I be good at? I like kids, but I can’t imagine being around them all day. Even though the idea of being a nanny has some appeal, at least when little kids boss you around, it’s not out of malice. Maybe I’ll make a pros and cons list about what I like doing at Kemper’s to see if I can find something else suitable that doesn’t require a higher education.
If only I could go back in time and shake myself for ditching second semester to go on tour with my boyfriend at the time.
I need to schedule an appointment with my therapist sooner than later. There’s too much going on to filter through this all on my own. My need for love and affection from men has led me to have no close friends, so I really only have my mom, Sharon, and my therapist to rely on.
Christ, things are looking bleak.
“Everything okay, Pen?” Aiden says behind me and I nod my head. “You really should tell her to do that herself.”
“It’s alright.”
“I’m going to head to the hospital. Things aren’t looking so great,” he says.
I squeeze his arm, and he looks down.
