“Good,” she sighs, holding out her hand, which I take and portal us back to Hell.
Chapter20
Amurderous, seething feeling rattles my soul as Toth portals us back to Hell. He takes us to the banquet hall but doesn’t let go of my arm.
“What the fuck is going on, Mara?” he demands. I should like him saying my name. But now it all feels like a lie. It’s why I made him forget.
He didn’t sleep with me because he liked me. Every time I told him to do something, he did it. He doesn’t really want me, neither does Judd, Elvor, or really anyone else for that fucking matter.
My biggest fear is now my reality. The crippling paranoia that I’ve felt my whole life has just been validated.
No one really likes me for who I am, and they never will.
So why bother acting palatable for anyone besides myself. If it doesn’t matter what I say or do, and I can compel anyone I want, why not just be a complete fucking nightmare to everyone? I might as well just live this existence as someone who uses people, right? What’s the point in trying to be decent to people?
My head hurts, and it’s been a long time since I ever felt this hopeless. I might not be as confused as I was as a wayward soul, but I still can’t seem to string my emotions together. All I can compute is rage, and I use it to my advantage.
I turn around and look at Toth. “Get off of me,” I yell, pushing my power out of me like it’s effortless. He drops my arm as if I’ve wounded him and stands there as I storm through the hall.
I only have one destination in mind, and no one is going to get in my way. I need to be able to sit down and have a conversation to truly understand what my powers are and what this means for my everyday life. I want to scream, kill somebody, and cry in my bed. It’s honestly disgusting.
Of course, of-fucking-course, this dumb cunt, Lisa, intercepts me at this moment.
“Oh, there you are, I was wondering—” Just hearing her voice triggers something inside of me. I hated her from the moment I met her, and I just want her to be quiet—permanently.
I grab her hair by the roots and shove the dagger through her neck. When she crumples to the floor, I realize that it was the magical one and not the plain old dagger. That was actually an accident, but when I don’t hear her grating voice, it soothes me just a little. She wasn’t particularly well-liked or useful, so I don’t think she’ll be greatly missed.
“Whoops,” I say as I grab her by the hair and easily drag her through the halls. There are demons all around me, blinking at me in shock like we all don’t live in fucking Hell together. A trail of blood drags along the floor with her behind us. For a second, I almost feel bad that someone will have to clean it up, but then I remember the worst of the worst work at the manor. There are muffled whispers around me, and I groan in frustration, dropping Lisa’s body. Her head hits the floor with a thud. “Does anyone else have anything they would like to talk about right now?” I ask.
When I look back at Toth, his jaw is nearly on the floor. He should know by now that I’m fucked up. He’s said it himself. He doesn’t really want me; he wants the part of me that was designed to attract him and drag him down to the depths, making his soul mine.
The rest of me, he loathes. He likes my pretty packaging and my consuming voice. The rest of me, though, he doesn’t like, but that’s the true me. The realization is like pouring peroxide in a wound, and I’m just forced to sulk in it.
Maybe I should just lean into it and fully accept that I’m an unlikable monster. I don’t care about ending a few lives here and there, but the manipulation of people I care about makes me want to crack.
I’ve never cared this deeply about people before. I never let myself. I didn’t deserve it, and now that I know why, I want to disappear.
I grab Lisa by the hair again before portalling us to the pit. I shove her body in the nearest closet and make a mental note to deal with that later. I’m sure there’s a crematorium in this place somewhere.
Lorelei, more than likely, has already been sorted and is down here. It seems like a lot of supernatural beings who still have somewhat of a soul get sent down here almost automatically. I’m about three levels down into the pit in a hallway with rows of doors down each side, and I assume this is where most of the souls are kept.
Each room has a window, and I go door by door, peeking into each one. Most of the souls are in the same position, tied to a chair. Others are upside down, tied to a bed, or worse.
I’m starting to feel distraught as I get to the end of the hallway. It’s darker down here. You wouldn’t notice the last door unless you were looking for it. I have to cup my hands over my eyes and squint against the glass.
It’s not my mother, it’s worse. It’s Beelzebub.
I almost forgot about how I thought Lucifer was lying to me. I just had this deep-seated feeling he was still alive. I might not be able to trust myself, but my gut? That bitch always knows what’s up.
Everything feels like a lie. I can’t keep any of my feelings straight, and I just want to explode.
With more force than needed, I swing the door open and grab the closest chair, sitting on it backwards as I look at Beelzebub’s sleeping form. He’s a bloody mess. I can tell his skin has been carved into and that his fingers have been removed and sewn back on multiple times.
I snap my fingers, and he comes to, blinking wildly at me. He squints at me, possibly seeing some resemblance to the child I once was.
“Mara? I knew you’d come,” he says.
I tilt my head at him and really look him over.Why keep him alive? Why lie to me?
