“But you would stay in this one and suffer in the meantime?” I ask, being direct with her. Piper doesn’t seem responsive to bullshit.
She spears her pancake like it personally offended her and puts it in her mouth while she chews and contemplates my words.
Once she’s done eating, she sits back in the creaky booth and crosses her arms over her chest. “I haven’t made a decision yet.”
It seems obvious to me what she needs to do, but it’s her career, not mine.
“Can I say something without you stabbing me like that poor pancake?”
“Fine,” she says. The waitress refills her coffee, and she thanks her and holds the warm liquid close to her face, hiding her mouth.
“Life’s too short to live for other people. You don’t want to spend more time doing something that doesn’t make you happy. If your dad wasn’t a factor, if money wasn’t an issue and it was only you that you had to think about, what would you do?”
Her eyes scan mine, and she puts the coffee back down on the table.
“I’d switch programs,” she says plain as day, and I watch as everything starts clicking in her own head. I wonder if she’s imagining how much better life would be if she made this adjustment. It’s easy from the outside looking in, but I just want her to be happy.
“I’m here if you ever want to talk about it or need help with the rest.”
“Why?” she says suspiciously at me.
“You know why, and when you’re ready for that conversation, I’m here too.” I put three twenties on the counter and stand up, looking down at her while she’s still seated. “I’m always here for you, Piper.”
Her mouth gapes open, and I leave the diner, feeling like my situation just got even more complicated than before. But at the same time, I can’t help thinking I’m just one step closer to building this pack, and fuck it feels good. Now, I just need Piper to put aside this front that she doesn’t need anyone and for Owen to realize he’s attracted to me and I can keep his secret.
I have my work cut out for me, but I know they are worth waiting for.
CHAPTER13
Fucking Alexi Bandnin and his sweet words. I’m not sure why I felt comfortable spewing all my problems to the hot-ass Alpha. It sucks even more because I know he’s right. Having not said anything out loud has made things easier, and not voicing how miserable I am in my residency made it easier to put on the backburner.
Now that I’ve said it and the words came out of my mouth, I know Alexi is right, but I have no fucking clue how to act on it, or if I even can. Part of me feels like I just need to keep pushing through, that it’s just a rough patch.
What’s even worse? I liked talking to Alexi about my problems. It felt nice to have someone not judge me and wanting to help me. And I didn’t feel like a burden expressing myself.
This is all just so completely fucked.
He could have tried to bang me in the locker room again, and I would have welcomed it. But somehow he tricked me into going on a date with him. He’s a sneaky Alpha, and as much as I want to tell myself I need to stay away from him, the bigger part of me is hoping he stalks me at the gym again.
I need simple.
I would call Charlotte, but I know she has music class for Katie tonight. It’s my one day off, and I don’t know what it says about me that I can’t be alone. I’m not sure what time Foxes’ practice is, but against my better judgment, I text Owen. While Alexi is intense and makes me put my feelings under a microscope, being around Owen is like a calming force to the chaos.
Hey, you still want to hang out?
Owen: Yeah, I get off at four. Want to come to my place?
Sure, I’ll see you at five.
Owen texts me his address, and I might dress nicer than usual. I mean, the man has only seen me in scrubs, workout clothes, and looking like a ho-ho-ho for Christmas. My brain, of course, is rattling about how I’m running to Owen the moment I feel insecure. That I keep saying I can’t do anything serious, but there’s something about this Beta that keeps pulling me in. Meanwhile, I’m running from my connection to Alexi. They are just so different in intensity. Deep down, I feel it, like the opposite side of a magnet, and no matter what I do, I can’t fully escape.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve by going to Owen’s tonight. All I know is I feel like I’m floating into the abyss and I need to be centered. I’m not sure why Owen seems to be that person, but I’m so sick of floundering alone.
I’m scared, but more than anything, I’m lonely.
I sit on my bedroom floor and let that feeling sink in, let it all sink in, and it breaks me. I’m surrounded by people every day, and yet I feel so alone. I have the bestest friend anyone could ask for, a career most people dream of, and yet it feels like none of it is enough. That I’m not enough. That these good things just happen to me and I don’t deserve them. When will anything I do feel like enough? Will I ever feel deserving of what I have or who I surround myself with?
I’ve never felt so alone with my thoughts as I do now.
