Ifeel like I’m fueled by coffee, my need to be productive, and the chocolate chip muffin I ate this morning. This is my thirteenth day in a row working, and I wonder when it’s going to feel like I belong in this surgical program.
I’m exhausted as I observe the anterior cervical discectomy. The other residents look on in awe, and I can’t help the lingering feeling that this isn’t where my skill set lies. I swallow that disturbing thought down. The years of my life I’ve dedicated to being here can’t be for nothing. I’ve worked endlessly to stand in this operating room and observe, and that’s what I’m doing, learning.
“Dr. Blake, can you tell me why we do this from the front of the neck and not the back?” Dr. Marsh, the attending surgeon asks.
“It reduces risk to the spinal cord, nerves, and neck muscle” He hums approval but there are no kudos. You don’t get a sticker for knowing the right answer. But you do get belittled if you’re incorrect.
“Dr. Hoft, what is the top risk?”
“Damage to the carotid or vertebral artery,” Shuana says next to me. Archnemesis might be a little intense for what we are to each other, but the sentiment stands. I can’t help but compete against the other female Alpha in my program.
“Other complications?” Dr. Marsh asks.
“Damage to the laryngeal nerve, hematoma, injury to the esophagus.” He hums again and decides that’s the end of our lesson as he continues the surgery. Shuana is on suction while I observe the surgery from above, waiting to be called on.
Surgery wasn’t a path I chose for myself, not really. My father, Doctor Peter Blake, basically told me this was my path. I’m his only child and, to his satisfaction, also an Alpha. It’s been ingrained in me that I needed to take on a profession that is competitive with a high salary. He would have accepted me being a lawyer, but this is the path he set out for me, and I don’t see me stepping off the ride anytime soon. Of course I had to make it more difficult by selecting one of the longest residencies and most competitive fields with neurosurgery.
I shift on my feet, making sure I don’t doze off. I can’t wait to pee and get another coffee once the surgery is over, I’m on hour twenty-two of a twenty-four hour shift. At least I have Charlotte’s baby shower to look forward to tomorrow. I smile behind my mask just thinking about it. It’s why I’ve worked so many days in a row, to have this one day off, to celebrate my best friend, something I wouldn’t miss for the world.
The surgery goes off without a hitch, and immediately after, I’m handed a tablet and a to-do list of patients that I need to check on—post-op and pre-op patients.
This is the part of the job I don’t mind, interacting with patients and reassuring them that everything is going to be fine.
I’m headed to Gill Florence’s room when Shuana bumps into my shoulder. “Broken spine is mine,” she says in her shitty little tone. Shuana is just as tall as me but with reddish blonde hair that she always wears in a high ponytail. We’re both the only female Alphas in Neurosurgery, even if we weren’t competing head to head, I’d probably still hate her.
“His name is Mr. Florence, and Dr. Paulson thinks she can possibly help him gain some movement with surgery.”
“She’s wasting her time, he’s never going to walk again. But if she wants to do a kyphoplasty I call dibs.”
That’s when my competitive side kicks in. It’s not about cutting for me, it’s making sure that Shuana knows I’m better than her in every way. Also, that she needs to stop being such an unfeeling bitch to our patients.
I beat her to the room, but just barely.
“How’s your pain today, Mr. Florence?” I ask before Shuana has the chance.
“I told you to call me Gill.”
“How’s your pain today, Gill?” I reask the question. He grimaces, and his wife Pam touches his shoulder.
“It’s intense, especially on my side.” He pulls back his blanket, and I do a quick examination before nodding and giving him a reassuring smile. His skin is purple and blue from where he fell, but the fact that he can feel that part of his body is a good sign. The fact that he still hasn’t been able to move his toes, is not.
“I’ll talk to Dr. Paulson about increasing your pain management. She should be in before five to speak to you about your options.”
“Dr. Blake, is he going to be able to walk again? He’s a handyman, so he needs to be able to get around.”
“The trauma from your fall is severe, but Dr. Paulson will go over your options when she’s in this evening.” It’s hard speaking around the truth and not making promises to patients. It’s one of the first things you learn; you can’t make any guarantees or promises. Thinking about Gill’s future has me saddened, and as much as I hate Shuana, I know she’s right. The chances of him walking ever again are small but Dr. Paulson is talented. I give Pam and Gill a small smile before noting his chart and updating the nurse about his pain level.
“Told you, I wonder if she’ll let me do the injections,” Shuana says before walking away. I roll my eyes and head to the next patient.
It feels like the day will never end, and I’m dead on my feet. But I persevere—it’s what a Blake does, my dad’s voice echoes in my head. The day consists of two more iced coffees, a Dr Pepper, and a mirage of snacks I shouldn’t be eating until the day is finally over.
But it’s not truly over. As much as I want to go back to my townhouse and pass out on the bed, that’s not an option. My first stop is the dollar store where I buy all the pink and blue shit I can find, streamers, plates, balloons, and I find a bag of creepy miniature babies that I purchase. The next stop is the grocery store where I grab the fruit and cheese tray as well as the baby shower cake. I grab to-go sushi for my own dinner, and only then can I call it a night.
I might be busy, but there’s no fucking way I’m going to fall behind on my best friend or aunt duties. That is something I will not slip, unlike many other facets of my life—like dating.
Who has time for dating anyway? I can do without the dinners, the courting process of the dating, but the sex… well, I’m really missing getting laid right now. The fact that I don’t have energy for a good fuck is concerning.
I don’t let it phase me though. This is all part of the process. Giving up a decade of your life for a very significant accomplishment… right?
