I grab a towel, take it outside with me, and lay it down before taking a seat. The beach is gorgeous and the white noise of the waves is serene as I finally let myself break.
Something I haven’t afforded myself in a long time. I always knew grief was something you carry with you until you die and pass that grief onto others. A few weeks ago, I thought my grief would end with me, that no one would be sad if I died. But being here, the way Aiden’s mom held me, the way that Aiden treats me, I know that isn’t true anymore.
But it doesn’t change this lingering feeling of being left behind. The tears stream down my face as I think about the way my mom would hug me, and how Collin never even had the chance to give me that parental comfort. I know Aiden thinks his family is a lot, but there isn’t much I wouldn’t trade to have what he has.
A presence next to me startles me, and I start wiping my tears when I see Aiden’s horrified face.
“Oh my fucking God, what happened?” I sniffle and shake my head as he joins me on the towel. “Which one of my family members do I need to yell at?”
“None,” I say softly.
“What happened?” he asks, wrapping an arm around me and holding me at the waist.
“Nothing.”
“Baby, you’re crying, that’s not nothing.”
“I was just thinking about my parents.”
“Do you want to talk more about it?” he says, and usually I would say no, not wanting to burden someone else with my feelings. But I know I can be vulnerable with Aiden, that he will be that support I haven’t had and so desperately need.
I sigh and rest my head against his shoulder. “Your mom hugged me today and bought me a bunny.”
I don’t have to see his face to know he’s confused. “A bunny? Like an animal?”
A small laugh escapes me. “No, it was a crystal bunny. It’s what my mom called me. I know I’ve told you a little about her. She had her problems, her own monsters that eventually took her. But I loved her, and there were times when she was so shiny and bright. In those moments, I was the center of her world. Most of the other times she was just more absent. She wasn’t mean or abusive. She would just disappear. But when she was present, even if she was high on something, she was so fun and told me how much she loved me.”
“Of course she did,” he says softly, and I rub under my eyes.
“I think when she first died I was so angry, you know? That I wasn’t enough for her to sober up. That she left me and that she never tried harder. And in the past couple of years, I’ve just avoided truly thinking about her. Even with her problems, I still wish she was here. I’m just so sick of being mad at my parents.” A bout of fresh tears pour down my face, and I feel so fucking stupid for crying in paradise. Aiden scoops me up in his arms, placing me on his lap.
“Hey,” he says, using his thumbs to wipe away my tears. “You can feel however you need to, baby. I got you.”
That just makes me cry harder as I wrap my arms around him and hold on for dear life.
“I don’t want to be mad anymore. I want to love and grieve them for who they were,” I say, and Aiden holds me tighter.
“Okay, just tell me how I can help.”
I look up at him. I’m sure I look a mess. But the way he looks at me is like I’m precious, it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I stroke his face. “Just being you, that’s all I need.”
His lips meet mine, my tears transferring to his cheeks, and I think it’s the first time I’ve truly been seen in my entire life.
26
KISSING IN THE RAIN
The long weekendappears to be bringing out more for Jessa than I anticipated, but it seems like something she needed. At least my family has been extremely welcoming and loves her, which isn’t a surprise to me at all. I’m just happy we have the whole day together. I’m definitely feeling guilty for leaving her with my mom yesterday. Even if she did need to let those feelings out, I never want to see her crying sad tears.
The first part of the day is with my siblings and Penny, going jet skiing. Gavin was in charge of booking this and of course he fucked it up.
“We only have three available for today. We could get some paddleboards out,” the owner says, and Gavin shakes his head.
“Penny can share with Linc, and Ben and I will take turns,” Gavin says and no one else seems to have any problems with this arrangement. I thought Linc might complain, but the grumpy bastard just zips up his life jacket and hops onto his jet ski before holding out a hand for Penny to hop on the back.
I spin around and look at Jessa, who looks insanely fucking good in her black bikini and sunglasses right now. She puts the pink life jacket on, I zip it for her, and she gives me a smile before we get on our own jet ski. Her grip is tight on my waist as I start the engine and we start riding over the water. She laughs, and I can’t help but smile at the sound, and it makes me get more creative with our movements and how fast we’re going. At a certain point, I lull the engine and have to turn slightly to speak with her.
“Do you want to drive?”
