“Your personal whore,” she spits, and I sigh, scrubbing at the back of my neck.
“It was to protect you.”
“Well, it was for nothing because I’m nothing to you. I’ll never be anything to you. I fucking hate you.” The lie is small but there nonetheless. She’s angry with me, but she doesn’t fully hate me like she’s proclaiming right now. “All I wanted was to say goodbye. To tell her I loved her, and you didn’t let me say anything. You treated me like I was worthless.”
“Lilith,” I go to grab her wrist, but she tugs it away.
“Just shut the fuck up. You and your secrets and your precious Lily can go fuck yourself.” She pushes me in the chest one more time before storming out of the office and back to her room.
I thought there was potential for things to go bad today, but this was far worse than I could’ve imagined. There’s this nagging in my head telling me that she deserves more and that by protecting her, by withholding the truth from her, all I’m doing is hurting her further. Lily knew the truth and she still didn’t care about me, even though we were fated. As much as I doubt my actions, the only way I can move forward with Lilith is if she chooses me. Nothing less than Lilith wanting me with a clear conscience is acceptable. If she doesn’t want me—the thought burns in my chest—I can’t and won’t force her to be mine. I just need this to be her choice or I’ll always wonder if what we have is genuine or fate fucking with me again.
Sleep evades me all night. I just replay the evening’s events in my head. How she looked at me when I treated her like I didn’t give a fuck about her. How she shouted at me and told me that she hated me. I’m not sure I can possibly fuck this up any further.
Chapter fifteen
IfeelsickasI lie on my side and stare at the deep emerald wallpaper of my wall. The way Diana looked at me. The pity, the sadness, the hatred. I wasn’t sure what to expect—but it wasn’t that. I can’t decide what I feel, devastated that she hates me or angry that she could treat me that way after everything I’ve done for her. I put Diana above myself all of the time, and she just treated me like a piece of shit. She looked disgusted at the way Lucifer spoke to me and touched me.
The way Lucifer spoke about me in front of them was clearly a show, one I’m not sure the angels bought. Lucifer isn’t a man who does things without reason. But why did he have to do that? He knows how much my sister means to me, and he didn’t even let me speak to her. If I’m being completely honest, I didn’t mind the way he handled me, but I feel like he’s lying to me, and I don’t know why. He keeps trying to appease me by giving me half-truths.
He keeps saying how much I mean to him with no explanations. Half of the time his actions are tender, and there’s a look of devotion in his eyes, the other half, I can’t help but to feel like he knows something that I don’t. None of it makes any sense.
It would have been better if I didn’t go. I could just keep wondering what’s going on in Diana’s life, and maybe act like that last night didn’t happen altogether.
It wasn’t the closure I wanted, it was worse. Diana has completely disowned me; she told me I wasn’t her sister anymore. I shake my head, not believing the lie. She might not like who I am, what I’ve become, but we will always be sisters, even if we’re realms apart.
Somehow I find myself caring less about her acceptance, with the realization that I’ll never get it. There’s no going back to Earth, to sharing our apartment, or watching movies and staying up all night together. She’ll never look at me like I’m that special person in her life. She’s chosen the angels, and now I need to choose me, no matter how much it hurts. Even though all I wanted was to have hugged one last time and cleared the air, maybe I didn’t deserve that closure. Everything has just gotten so much worse. Twins in opposing realms, I suppose it’s something that would be written in a fucked-up tragedy.
I’m a demon. I’m everything she said I am, and I’m done fighting it. Done being sad and feeling less than because of what others think. I’m in Hell, and I’m ready to start living like it. I might not have my sister anymore, and maybe when I feel less numb, I’ll grieve the loss of that relationship, but right now, all I want to do is indulge and forget.
I rip off the conservative tea dress and opt for something that shows off my back and thighs. If I’m so fucking horrible, the villain, a monster?Then it’s about time I started acting like it.
Heavy metal blasts throughout Minx as soon as I portal here. Immediately, I grab whatever shots are on the closest tray to me and swing three back consecutively. Scanning the club, there’s a new addition I notice. A throne in the front, it’s gold with red velvet, and Lucifer sits on it boredly, his thumb on his temple as his elbow rests on the arm of the chair.
Lisa, Autumn, and Tina sit at the bottom of the throne like fucking carp fish begging for snacks. I’m sure they are, just begging for any little crumb Lucifer will give them, negative or positive. I roll my eyes and take another shot. Spotting Judd and Asmodeus on a deep red velvet couch, I walk over to them. I can feel Lucifer’s eyes on me, but he doesn’t move, not a single inch. It’s like his gaze is penetrating through me.
“Hey,” I say to the two demons. Asmodeus is giggling, and Judd is looking off into the distance.
“Oh hey, Barbie,” Asmodeus greets.
“Judd?” He breaks away from what he was staring at to look at me. “I think I want to try,” I say, trying not to ring my fingers in my dress and look like an idiot.
Judd doesn’t say anything, just takes a baggy of powder and starts making lines with a card of some sort.
I clear my throat as I take the rolled-up bill. “What do I do?”
“You know, you’re sweeter than you seem, Barbie. Just inhale it through your nose,” Asmodeus instructs. I nod my head, leaning forward and snorting the powdery line. My nose stings and the feeling hits immediately.
It’s like all my thoughts from earlier stop; it’s easier to just not think and enjoy the night. Euphoria fills me, not these worries about what anyone thinks of me or questions of my morality. It’s nice to just let loose. I stand there for a few minutes as my nerve endings fire off as the beat travels through me. Glancing over my shoulder, I see Lucifer sitting straighter than he was before, still watching.Well, let’s let him fucking watch, shall we?
“Let’s dance!” I shout, grabbing Asmodeus and Judd’s hands and tugging them onto the dance floor.
Asmodeus laughs against my ear, dancing behind me but not touching me. “Barbie, if my soul gets fucking ripped out because of this, I’m going to be pissed.”
“I’m hoping for it,” Judd says, and I can hear Asmodeus laugh.
I close my eyes, just feeling the beat and moving my body accordingly. One of the demons touches my arm, and it feels nice. Nice to be touched. They should do it again.
“Do you think if I kiss her, he’ll kill me?” Judd asks Asmodeus.
