She nods her head, still holding out her palm under the spray. We don’t speak, a million words hanging between us waiting to come out. Once the water meets her requirements, she takes my hand and pulls me into the shower.
She likes the water hot. She would do well in Hell. The thought churns in my stomach over the fact that I could never take her there. That this can only last for so long. I can’t think about this, about everything I’ll lose because of what I am.
The warm water hits my chest and the back of Blair’s head as she presses the side of her face against my chest. I wrap my arms around her. One on her lower back and the other wrapped in her wet hair.
“I killed my mom,” Blair whispers.
“Are you okay?” I ask her, because I’m not sure what else I could say.
“I feel like I should be feeling more. It’s like how is my first emotion relief? My soul should be tarnished, I should be in physical pain from using that spell. I killed my mom, came home, went to sleep, and then had sex with you. That’s not normal.”
“Were you protecting yourself?”
She places her head against my chest again and nods her head. “She hurt Stevie, and I’m pretty sure she was summoning Mara to the cabin.”
“You did what you had to do. Not being human means we feel things differently. Even though we’re surrounded by them, our expectations of our emotions shouldn’t be the same.”
“I wish I could be human sometimes,” she says.
“Me too,” I say, surprising her. Her face pulls back from my chest so she can look at me.
“Why?”
I sigh loudly. She just told me something that she did, and what I have to say has been weighing on me. “I have a son,” I say. She looks a little perturbed. “He’s grown, probably around your age. Lucifer had this whole idea that he could create more demons, and sent us to this realm to impregnate humans. So now I have a son, who is biologically half demon, but really isn’t. He’s just plainly human.”
“So, why would you want to be human?” she asks, eyebrows furrowed.
“I’ve been a shitty dad. I see him now and then, but I always keep my distance. The idea of outliving my son by multiple thousands of years made me sick. How could I let myself care about someone I knew was going to die? And in a timeframe that is in a blink of an eye to me?”
“You care about him?”
“The most I’ve allowed myself. I’m supposed to meet him for dinner tonight.”
“Why don’t you tell him what you are? Tell him what you just told me?”
“I’ve always worried that having a demon for a father would have been worse than having an absent one.”
She places her head back on my chest, breathing softly. “Tell him what you are, Dax. I think you’ll be surprised how he would act if he knew the truth.”
“The truth is really difficult sometimes.”
“Yeah, it really is.” She holds me around my waist tightly. Neither of us have washed, but I’m content holding her here. It’s nice to have someone like this, someone you can be open and honest with. When it comes to other demons, I always hold my cards close to my chest, never wanting to express vulnerable emotions. With Blair it’s different, like I can be more than what I’ve been conditioned to be.
The warm spray continues to hit us, and I plan on taking her advice and telling Ryan as much as I can.
Chapter 27
Dax,StevieandIall sit quietly around the table eating the breakfast Stevie has made. I know it’s wrong, but I really enjoy when Stevie is stressed because she makes a ton of baked goods. I have a chocolate croissant, bacon, and waffles on my plate. All three drizzled in syrup. The only thing breaking the silence is Clover’s crying in the basement.
“Maybe we should let her go?” Stevie says.
“I mean my mom’s dead, so the coven isn’t really whole any more. I don’t think they could do anything.” Stevie looks at me like I grew five heads as I brazenly discuss my mother’s death, and the fact that I killed her.
“Oh-kay. So you want to let her go?”
“Yeah, we can talk about it later.”
Dax’s hand is on my thigh, the touch always comforts and grounds me.
