Her awareness is improved, but her continued silence towards me is cause for concern. I don’t know how much damage my initial rejection has done to her, to our relationship. Do we even have enough of a relationship to salvage at this point?
The woods stretch on seemingly forever. Mile after mile of trees and brush, with no sign of civilization. We travel for days on end, always on the move, sleeping in shifts, ever watchful for the soldiers on our tail. Our food comes in tiny portions of squirrel, rabbit, and other small animals we’re able to catch and flash-cook on the run. We’re all tired and worn and in no small need of a bath. Once Sable’s regained enough of her faculties, she heals the worst of the injured first, expending her power in spurts so as not to exhaust herself. She helps the smallest escapees, the few children that the Elders’ men were cruel enough to capture, overcome their fear and anxiety, even earning herself a few new friends along the way. The children swarm around her, laughing and giggling and acting as though she wasn’t a panther at all—just another wolf. Even some of the older wolves ease around her, and I marvel at how she manages to make friends among so many enemies.
When even Sym offers his coat to Sable, I feel like a fool for ever doubting her.
Before we come upon the southernmost settlement for the wolves, we cross a large river. The strongest of us take the children across first, then help with the older escapees. I still can’t bring myself to approach or assist a male, and this new development frustrates me. I’m supposed to be a leader, a commander; how can I lead anyone when I shy away from even simple contact?
The passage across the river is the closest any of us have gotten to a bath in a solid week. By the end of it, we all breathe a little easier around each other.
That night, on the far side of the river, we risk a fire to keep the littles warm. I notice that the evidence of our pursuers has all but vanished, with no more than a few scattered footprints noted by rear scouts—not nearly enough for the force that initially chased us into the woods. Something about this needles at the back of my brain, but I don’t have time to sit and focus those thoughts into logical, coherent pieces of information. The point is there are still soldiers after us, and we can’t stop for long until we’re out of wolven territory.
We break camp before dawn, and Sable takes a surprising initiative, relaying orders in a soft but firm voice to the wolves around her.
“There’s one more settlement to make it past before we’re out of your territories. Beyond that, it’s unofficial panther lands. They willnotbe friendly. If caught before we get where we’re going, we’ll all be at risk, so please pay attention and follow my directions.
“Once we pass the outpost and make it to the base of the mountains, every person you see is suspect. They might be an unshifted panther, or they might be a wolf scout sent ahead of us. Don’t trust anyone, no matter how friendly they seem on the outside. Do you understand?” She gives a pointed look to some of the children who have chosen to play a game of tag while we wait to set out. “We still have several days’ journey ahead of us. Food is scarce, and shelter even scarcer. Beyond the mountain range, on the other side, is a large stone compound. A convent. This is our destination.
“Donotattempt to approach the convent without me. I am known there, but none of you are. They are very untrusting of strangers, and you all reek of wolf. We’ll be lucky if I can convince them to take you all in, but once we’re in, no one can leave until we get things sorted. Be mindful of your manners in the convent, and exercise caution. The nuns of Igni are kind enough, but the priests do not trust worshippers of Solari.”
No few pairs of eyes turn to me.
Sable raises a hand before anyone can pipe up. “I will vouch for Cara, and for the rest of you. Still, you will be guests. Don’t forget that. Kindness will house you, but kindness is not without its limits. Be polite.”
With that, Sable starts down the hill towards the outskirts of the wolf village, and we all file behind. Tree cover is thinner here, but the tall grasses of the southlands help to conceal us.
I want to talk to Sable. I haven’t had a moment alone with her since we were captured, and I can only imagine what’s going through her head when she looks at me. Does she hate me? Does the sight of me cause her pain? Not knowing is torture, but without any time alone to talk, I can’t know.
My chance finally comes after we pass the village. The children who had been swarming around her grow tired and opt to be carried by their parents, so I finally have a moment alone with Sable.
Nervous has never been a word used to describe me, but my nerves vibrate and itch as I approach her. I shorten my long strides to match hers, and we walk side by side in silence for a bit before I work up the courage to speak.
“Are you doing okay?”
It’s a stupid question, given the situation we’re all in, but it’s all I can think of.
To my surprise, she answers.
“I’m … I’m as well as can be exptected, I suppose. Exposed and captured, beaten, almost raped—Things could be much worse.”
I note that she doesn’t mention “rejected.” That’s a start. “That’s … good.”
I never have trouble finding words. What is wrong with me?
Much to my relief, Sable manages to move the conversation forward while I flounder. “I know I have a lot to apologize for, Cara. I know I was wrong to hide who I am, and I know you have no reason to trust me ever again. I just hope someday I can prove to you that my feelings are genuine, and I hope we can restore your nation to the proper order before too much permanent damage is done.”
My heart aches. She thinkssheis in the wrong? “My nation’s proper order might not be worth restoring. Perhaps there’s a happy medium between the Elders’ oppression and my foolish pride.”
Sable shakes her head. “It wasn’t foolish to want better for your people. Maybe a tad foolish to go about it the way you did, but you didn’t have many options. It was either seize your birthright or continue to watch the Elders run things into the ground.” She doesn’t look at me, but her hand seeks mine out, and I close my fingers around hers. “You made the most of an impossible situation. Don’t blame yourself for doing what you had to do.”
“I didn’t have to reject you.”
My words are barely a whisper, and a flash of pain crosses her face. “Yes, you did. I as much as barefaced lied to you.”
The truth of her statement stings, but it does nothing to assuage my guilt. “And I brought you into a dangerous situation. I set you up for a world of pain and risk, with no thought to your wants or needs. I have been wholly selfish, and while I can’t undo what has been done to us, I can at least promise to do my best to mend what’s mendable.”
Sable’s fingers squeeze mine. “Perhaps it’s not a matter of mending. Perhaps it’s a matter of building something new from the rubble.”
There’s a wisdom to her words, and we continue in silence as I let them sink in. Behind us, cutting whispers about our joined hands drift on the wind, and I know that while she is tolerated for now, her acceptance is still out of reach.
